Life, Girls and Giant Robots
by Minky2013
Summary: An ordinary walk home from school turns into a terror filled, and at times, embarassing game of cat and mouse for Shinji and Rei. Good trashy fun.
1. Chapter 1

**The white city**

Hello one and all, I've finally decided to start an NGE fic. It focuses on the Action/comedy/romance side of the story rather then the boring miserable, depressing inexplicable jargon that (In my opinion) ruined the series in the final few episodes. Some of you may have liked the whole mental deconstruction thing, but I don't. So, basically this fic is an AU of the original, needless to say it will be crammed with plenty of swearing, comedy, some embarrassing moments and the occasional juicy bit of romance. Enjoy and give me loads of reviews!

Shinji leaned his head against the train cabin window; it had been quiet a long journey and the roar of the train combined with the musical derge of his crappy walkman added to his weariness. His destination was Tokyo-3, an artificial city designed for some super secret reason. The theories of its purpose ranged from being sensible to totally outrageous, some believed it was a colossal military installation, built by the Japanese government to use as a staging point to invade Australia for it's resources, others believed it was an extra terrestrial base built here on earth, but most simply believed it was nothing more then what it seemed, a city. Whatever the reason it was built for was irrelevant to Shinji; it never even crossed his mind. He was far to busy ogling the Polaroid of the purpled haired beauty he was going to live with, that is of course if he decided to do the job his father had summoned him for.

"Wow…I wonder if she's as nice as she looks, knowing my luck she'll turn out to be a fifty stone fatsoand sending me this picture was her sick idea of a joke!" he thought. "Whoever she is, she looks hot!"

Shinji sighed and let his eyes wander across the bright green countryside that was rushing past, he was trying to think of some cool shit to say when he met her, but failed. When it came to girls, Shinji was about as popular as a bad case of Chlamydia, they were ever a mystery to him; after all he was raised solely by his total dick of a father, and lacked any real insight into the workings of a woman's mind. The only experience he had with girls was acquired at school, and most of the time they totally ignored him, but on occasion they laughed at him for acting like a total spaz, like the time he called his basketball coach "Daddy" in front of an entire gymnasium full of his fellow students.

"I wonder what her house is like?" thought Shinji, trying to banish the embarrassing memories. Suddenly, the thought of meeting his dad after three years overrode his thoughts. Shinji was still angry about his dad leaving him, after his Mom 'Yui' had died, he needed his father more then ever, but parents are all like that, they give birth to you, love you, take care of you, that is until after a while they decide your not their child anymore, instead you become a financial burden that holds them back from there own professional success, and personal romances; at least Gendo was being straight when he said he no longer wanted to take care of him, better that then delude himself, and Shinji.

"Whatever that prick wants, he can shove it up his ass and go to hell." thought Shinji in a strop.

_At the train station…_

"YAAAAAAAAAWN! Oh come on man, I'm so sick of this waiting." Droned Misato; checking her watch as she lazily slumped up against her stylish blue sports car. She suddenly shrieked and jumped forward as her ass touched the scorching hot metal.

"CHRIST! This stupid weather is driving me nuts!" She was wearing a stupidly short brown mini-dress, it was usually accompanied by her red hat and jacket but the weather was particularly fierce that day.

"And these bastard things are coming off as well!" she said out loud as she awkwardly removed her shoes. Misato opened the passenger door and frustratedly threw her white stilettos into the foot compartment and sat half in and half out. A light breeze swirled around her legs and feet; calming her nerves "Oh well, I suppose my tan could use a touch up, plus I'm being paid by the hour to wait for this kid, so it's not all bad." She thought with a smile. Misato looked over towards the driving seat at the A4 dossier that contained all of Shinji's personal info, and wondered what he'd be like. And just like Shinji, she was worried. She never really had any experience with kids, especially randy fourteen year old adolescent boys. Misato sunk into the leather seat and thought back to her briefing with Commander Fuyutsuki concerning the boy's welfare.

"_WHAT! You want him to live with me?! What's wrong with Commander Ikari he is the boy's dad after all?!"_

"_Captain Katsuragi, if you had bothered to read the report I forwarded to you then you would be aware that the boy and his father haven't been in contact for three years, and the word is that they never really had much of a relationship before that. Any love the boy had for his father will surely be dead by now, the poor child has been shipped around from care homes to foster families ever since his father left him, god knows the boy needs some anchor of domesticity in his life." Fuyutsuki tediously explained._

"_Yeah but… what the hell do I know about kids?!" Katsuragi protested._

"_Youre a woman aren't you?"_

"_What the hell is that suppose to mean! THAT IS SO SEXIST I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START!" _

"_Look, we've checked our personnel files and you're the perfect candidate, you've got no family commitments, and a nice big empty apartment. I mean come on, don't you get just a little bit lonely there sometimes? Also we don't expect you to keep the boy out of your own pocket, you'll be given a monthly subsidisation for his upkeep plus a little extra for your trouble." smiled Fuyutsuki. There was a long silence while Misato considered the offer. _

"_We can't command you to accept, but if you do refuse then the boy will be allocated a __government owned residence and forced to live alone, and considering the things this boy is going to face that might not be the best decision. The stress could quite literally break him._

_Misato had a caring nature and didn't like the idea of the poor lad living by himself, she knew what it was like to be alone in a strange place, and also the idea of some extra cash was making the idea __rapidly grow on her._

"_You're right, besides, I couldn't sleep if I knew I had the chance to help a child, plus I could use the extra money, and I suppose it is for the good of mankind and all!" smiled Misato._

"_Excellent, all you need to know about him is in here, if you have any further questions then you know where __to reach me. Dismissed." said Fuyutsuki, as he threw Misato a thick folder. Just as she was leaving the office she stopped in the doorway and sniggered._

"_Oh one thing Commander, do I get extra if he goes rooting through my underwear drawer?" _

_Fiyutski just looked back, blankly._

"_What?...It was a joke!..."_

"_DISMISSED Katsuragi.__ Oh and captain, I don't need to remind you how important this child is to us, so remember, be nice."_

"Err….Mis-Misato Katsuragi?" Shinji asked; observing the dozing woman in her car, comparing it with his photo. Misato was to busy flashing back to notice the train had pulled up and disembarked its passengers.

"OH SHIT!" screamed Misato, trying to cover her exposed panties. She stood bolt upright and tried to make herself look presentable. "Heh heh sorry about the underwear thing kid, you know how it is with the weather and all? Anyway never mind about that, let me introduce myself, my name is Captain Misato Katsuragi, and you must be Shinji Ikari right?!" beamed Misato.

"Errr y-yeah that's me….err Miss Katsuragi, Ma'am, what happened to your shoes?" Shinji asked meekly.

"Oh right sorry, I took those damn things off, you wouldn't believe the pain us women go through to try and look nice for you guys!" smiled Misato as she begun to retrieve her shoes, Shinji awkwardly watched while she was bending over; her dress rode up and showed the tops of her shapely thighs. Shinji quickly looked at the ground as she turned around and begun squeezing her feet back into the wretchedly uncomfortable things.

"Hey, are you ok Shinji?" she asked concerned, observing the uncomfortable look on his face.

"Yeah, I'm fine!" chirped Shinji, trying to hide his embarrassment. Misato leaned in real close and stared directly into his eyes. "Let me look at you, Hmmmmmm, you're a real cutie I bet you've had tons of girl friends huh?!" she asked playfully.

"W-well a couple…" lied Shinji.

"You're a nice kid Shinji, hey are you hungry? I know a wicked drive-thru, we can discuss your job and all the other boring bits and bobs over some fries, does that sound good?" suggested Misato, flaring her bambi brown eyes. Shinji wasn't really hungry, he just wanted to see his dad and clear up a few questions, but he didn't want to refuse Misato's hospitality, she was the type of person you couldn't say no to. Shinji had only been around her for five minutes and he felt like he had known her for years!

"Sure Misato that sounds great!" beamed Shinji with a goofy smile.

"Well okey dokey then! Stick your bag in the back and let's hit the road!"

Shinji stared with awe as they cruised down the vast twelve lane freeway, it was a beautiful day and the whole city was a dazzling white, cast against the dark green of the forested mountains and the pale blue summer sky.

"What the, hey HEY MISATO LOOK!" gasped Shinji, in the distance several huge skyscrapers of glass and steel began to slowly rise from the ground.

"Oh yeah, pretty cool huh!" chuckled Misato

"W-What are they, I mean I know what they are, but, why are they coming out of the ground?!"

"All will be revealed soon!" she said in a childish way. After a mile or so Shinji and Misato approached some traffic lights, Misato saw the lights were changing to red and changed lanes quickly with out indicating, and halted at the intersection.

"Ah here we are, it's just over there on the left; Jesus Christ I'm starving!" moaned Misato as she observed the drive-thru sign through the windscreen.

"I wouldn't have thought that you would be into burgers and fries Misato, you look like you're into salad and all that healthy stuff." Shinji commented.

"OOOOOOOOoooooooo are you complimenting my figure Shinji?!" swooned Misato.

"NO! I-I was just saying, you look n…..that is to say you look g…..in shape…sort of." stammered Shinji, turning bright red. Misato smiled.

"Silly boy, I know what you meant I was just teasing you! You should try to loosen up your always tense and on edge."

Suddenly the lights switched to green and a car pulled up next to Misato's, an angry looking man in a baseball cap rolled down his window. "LEARN HOW TO DRIVE YOU FAT STUPID BITCH!" he yelled.

Misato instantly stuck her head, and her arm out of the window with her middle finger raised, and replied. "BITE ME! BITE ME YOU ASSHOLE!!"

The angry driver instantly tore away into the distance, honking his horn wildly.

"Tch…jerk! Fgg'n calling me fat… " she said under her breath. Shinji tried desperately to stifle his laughter at the sudden confrontation.

"Can you believe that guy Shinji!? What a friggin moron, Just you remember not everyone in this city is as nice as me!" Misato warned as they pulled into the Drive-thru.

"_This __town might be more fun then I thought…"_ Shinji thought to himself with a smile.

"Check it out Shinji, I can order whatever I want from here right, and Nerv picks up the bill! It's just one of many perks when you work for Nerv." smirked Misato.

"Nerv? Is that the agency my father works for??"

"What, you don't know about Nerv? Are you seriously saying no one told you where your father was working?" asked Misato, quite confused.

"Well, no. All I was told was that he worked for the government, that's about it."

"Well I'll be damned!"

Misato pulled up to the drive-thru speaker, and perused the menu.

"Hi, can I take you're order please?!" the greasy teenager asked; his voice crackling through the speaker.

"Hmmmmm, choices choices, I guess I'll have a triple decker cheese tower burger meal, super size, And errr what do you want Shinji?"

"Are you sure it's ok, your not paying out of your own money are you because I'm more then happy to pay for myself!" Shinji asked in an incredibly distressed tone, as he fumbled for his wallet.

"Nah nah nah Shinji don't worry about that! Like I said; have what ever you want I can just whack it on my expenses form." Misato explained.

"…Ok if you're sure, Just a small cheese burger for me please." Shinji said meekly.

"And a large cheese burger meal for the handsome young man here!" Misato yelled through the speaker. After picking up their food, Misato and Shinji parked up in the parking lot and begun to discussed Shinji's new job.

"Nerv is an international defence agency controlled by the UN; we work closely with many other governments around the world, in particular the United states, and Germany, and to a lesser extent Great Britain, Russia and most of the other European powers." explained Misato, passing Shinji a pile of leaflets and literature on the secretive organisation in question.

"So why do you guys want me to work for you? I'm just a kid, plus I'm still in school!" Shinji asked, totally confused.

"We can't tell you much, for security reasons. But this I can tell you, you are special Shinji, I'm talking one in a million special! And I'm not saying that because I like you. I mean it." Misato explained. Shinji still looked hopelessly confused.

"Ok let me put it like this, everyone is born with a skill they are really great at, right? Well you don't know it yet but you are gifted at a profession that is very unique." Misato struggled to explain.

"Is it like an office clerk or something? Because I'm not too good with computers and stuff." asked Shinji. Misato rolled her eyes with amusement.

"No Shinji, we wouldn't have brought you half-way across the country just so you can work in an office, god this is harder then I thought, I wish Nerv would cut me some slack…" said Misato, trying to think. "Oh to hell with it, if I tell you why you must promise to keep it secret, agreed?!" Misato asked seriously. Shinji nodded in acceptance.

"Look at me Shinji, promise me you will keep this secret…" she said in a very serious tone.

"Sure, I promise Misato…" said Shinji, plagued with curiosity.

"I'm probably risking my job by telling you this but…We need you to operate a certain military vehicle, so to speak…"

"What?! A military vehicle?!? But I can't do that, I can't even use the photocopiers at school without screwing up!" wailed Shinji, trying to catch his breath. "Surely you could get someone else?! There must be like a million army guys who'd be much better at doing that then me!?"

"That's the thing Shinji, there isn't. Like I said you're one in a million, to be truthful adults can't pilot it at all, otherwise like you said we would have got someone from the armed forces to do it" Misato explained further, with a big bite of her burger.

"This is so unreal, what type of vehicle is it?" asked Shinji.

"All I can tell you is, oh how can I explain it?...it's unconventional, nothing anyone has ever seen before. But don't worry you'll be given the best possible instruction and you won't be the only pilot, we have two other children just like you working for us." Misato said reassuringly.

"…W-Would I have to kill people?" Shinji trembled.

"No, you won't have to kill people…" said Misato with a trace of uncertainty in her voice. Shinji sighed and looked down at his food.

"If I say no, I won't get to see my dad will I?" Even though he was angry with him, Shinji missed his dad intensely; there was even a small hope at the back of his mind that his dad would want to take him back so they could live like a normal family again.

"I'm afraid not, we can't even tell you where he lives…Like I said before, security reasons." Misato said sullenly. "Don't worry Shinji, this is a really cool job! It's certainly better then the shitty job I had at you're age!" she said running a caring hand through his hair.

"What job was that then?" smiled Shinji.

"I had the longest, boring-ist, miserable-ist, crappy payingist paper route the world had ever seen! Man it sucked ass!" Misato sighed. Shinji giggled slightly.

"My dad arranged it for me, he thought it would take my mind off missing him when he went off on an expedition, but all it did was wear me out, seriously I had to get up at five in the morning and bike eight miles in all weathers, and I was expected to go to school afterwards, I was sweating like hell! The kids at school ripped on me like there was no tomorrow, they used to call me B.O Bitch!" explained Misato. Shinji laughed out loud at the funny story.

"I know it's a bit daunting, but trust me it will be totally worth it, you never know you might really like it!" smiled Misato, knowing full well how frightening and dangerous the job really was. She was specifically instructed to make the job seem as attractive as possible to rope him in to Nerv's employ.

"So what do ya say Shinji, you fancy taking a chance on Nerv?" she asked. Shinji thought to himself for a full minute, on one hand, he would get to see his father again and possibly be able to rebuild his relationship with him, plus he'd get to live with Misato whom he liked very much, she was sweet and pretty and really fun to be around. Living with her would certainly beat the orphanage. But on the other hand he would be committing to a job he knew very little about, a very scary, serious job. If he accepted, it would mean the end of his childhood, he would be working for the government and the pressure would be enormous. But he just couldn't shake the longing to confront his father.

"…S-sure, I guess?..."

"You made the right choice Shinji, excuse me I just have to make a phone call to confirm your on board." said Misato; pulling out her cell phone.

"_What have I got myself into?__ "_ thought Shinji.

"Hi Katsuragi here……Yes he's agreed……ok…….What?...No I cannot pick up a bucket of fried chicken on the way back!...what do I look like to you an effing slave or something?!...Look, just inform Commander Ikari he son is on his way!" yelled Misato, angrily hanging up.

"Who the hell was that?!" Shinji asked, amused.

"Oh just some of my colleagues, unlike me they can be very immature and unprofessional sometimes!" boasted Misato. "Well let's take you to see your dad, he's got some forms and contracts for you to fill in at HQ, god listen to me going on, your probably sick of listening to me yammer on and on in this car all day huh?!" she laughed as the engine roared into life. Shinji frowned and tried to change the subject.

"Err, what shall I do with all this rubbish?" asked Shinji, stuffing a half empty milkshake along with the empty cartons and burger boxes into a carrier bag.

"Oh yeah right, when the coast is clear just throw it outta the window or something?" said Misato as she pulled back onto the freeway, suddenly Misato spotted the angry man that yelled at her earlier in her rear view mirror, he whizzed past them oblivious to their presence.

"Hey isn't that the guy that called you a fat bitch earlier" observed Shinji. Misato narrowed her eyes.

"Actually Shinji, save that trash!" hissed Misato.

"What for?"

"We're gonna pull up next to him and throw it straight through his window! This is going to be so cool, the bastard wont know what hit him! Pass me that milkshake!!"

"And you call yourself a mature professional…" sighed Shinji.

"Well I am, when I'm on duty that is!" smiled Misato, flooring the accelerator.

And so Shinji and Misato went to meet his father, and his past


	2. The Quiet Girl

**The Quiet Girl**

Gendo removed his glasses and rubbed the deep red grooves left on the bridge of his nose, he sat silently in his gloomy office; mentally rehearsing what he was going to say upon the arrival of his son. He stared at the bright rays of light slashing through the window blind, casting a caged shadow across the room.

"_What does one say to the child they abandoned__?"_ he thought to himself as he glanced down at his wife's photo, sitting mute on his desk.

"Fuyutski, has there been any report on my son's whereabouts yet?" asked Gendo, behind his interlaced fingers.

"Indeed there has Commander. Katsuragi has picked him up from the station and is on her way here with the boy as we speak." He replied. Fuyutski rarely left Gendo's side; they were always up each others asses. Unbeknownst to the pair, there was a secret pool amongst the staff at Nerv, betting on whether they were gay lovers or not.

"I hope she hasn't discouraged him from coming, you know how immature and childish that woman can be." frowned Gendo.

"I don't think you give her enough credit sir, Katsuragi may act like a big kid herself at times, but when it really counts she's just as reliable and professional as anyone else." answered Fuyutski.

_Meanwhile…_

"AHAAA HA HA HA HA HAHAAAA!"

Misato sped furiously down the freeway laughing with joy, as for Shinji, he was crapping himself!

"WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO! There's nothing like nailing a jerk between the eyes for instant stress relief!" yelled Misato. Shinji turned around in his seat and observed the rude man through the rear windscreen. Misato had managed to smack him square in the head with the milkshake, causing him to pull over and wipe the sticky shit from his eyes!

"…I can't believe you did that, I thought you were only joking?!!" gasped Shinji, he'd never met a grown up quite like Misato before.

"Did you see the look on his face?! Oh man I make myself laugh sometimes!" sighed Misato, wiping a tear from her eye.

"God, remind me never to pee you off Misato!" said Shinji, astonished.

"Just you remember it mister! Because if you do misbehave, I'll have to put you over my knee and spank you silly!" laughed Misato, nudging Shinji with her elbow. Suddenly she noticed Shinji wasn't laughing along with her; he was just sitting there in silence, turning bright red once more.

"Yo Shinji, what's wrong bud?..."

"There's nothing wrong I'm just… not …..very good at …talking with girls" stammered Shinji, he was rendered totally speechless and didn't know how to react when girls made those false risqué comments. Misato smiled and could tell he was uncomfortable with the whole 'playful flirting' thing.

"_Man! I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend__ in his entire life…or any female friend at all for that matter!"_ thought Misato.

"So? Don't sweat it; loads of guys are like that! There's nothing to it, all you need to do is chill out and be a bit more assertive and you'll be roasting the girls in no time!" smirked Misato.

"…Roasting the girls?" Shinji echoed; a bit confused.

"Yeah, unless your into guys that is, if you are I want you to know I'm totally ok with it!"

"NO! I'M NOT GAY I LIKE BOYS!…I MEAN GIRLS! I-I-I just never heard anyone call it …that before!..." blurted Shinji trying not to humiliate himself further. Misato howled with laughter.

"Relax Shinji I'm only messing with ya!" she laughed. "I'm sorry if I've freaked you out a little, I know I can be a bit brash and up front but that's just the way I am, I'm not out to embarrass you or anything." smiled Misato, recovering from her laughing fit.

"No Misato! it's not your fault, you've been great! it's me. I'm too serious, I've only known you for an hour or so and I've had more fun with you then I've had all year! I just…embarrass myself sometimes. I guess I just don't know how to have fun…" explained Shinji. Misato turned her head to face Shinji, and noted the look of anguish on his thin face. She reached out and ruffled his hair playfully.

"Oh your not too serious Shinji, you're just a sensible person. Heh, you wouldn't believe how many oversexed show off's there are in this town! It's refreshing to see there are some guys around that have respect and manners." said Misato trying to build his self esteem.

"Seriously man, I've had every male employee at Nerv HQ pinch my ass at least twice this week! God it's agony for me to sit down, it really is!" moaned Misato. Shinji smiled and giggled slightly.

"They're such losers, you know what else they do? On occasion they'll try the old 'Oh I accidentally bumped into you!' trick, just so they can cop a feel! They must think I have shit for brains!" laughed Misato. Shinji laughed out loud and begun to feel better, he suspected this is what it must feel like to have a mom or a big sister, you know? Someone to bullshit with on occasion and get your problems off your chest, rather then bottling it up and letting it twist inside like he did all these years.

"Thanks for listening Misato… I-I've never told anyone about that before…" smiled Shinji, wondering why he told Misato about his problems.

"No prob kiddo, if you ever need help or advice then I want you to know you can come to me anytime. I am your legal guardian now after all, yes sir! Me and you are gonna be together for a long time, so we got to learn to trust each other."

Shinji and Misato cruised through the busy city centre; the whole place was bustling with military personnel and police officers, not to mention the local populous.

"There sure are a lot of soldiers around?" said Shinji.

"Tell me about it, I wish they'd just piss off!" moaned Misato.

"Why's that?"

"Because, those fat greedy so and so's keep buying up all the beer, it's nearly impossible for me to find a can around here…also they're a bunch of perv's!" frowned Misato as she and Shinji approached a tall skyscraper; it had blacked out windows and the red half leaf insignia of Nerv above the heavily guarded doorway.

"Check it out Shinji, this is Nerv's administrative HQ, this is where Nerv recruits all its staff, handles it's financial and over seas business, and all their other boring paper work stuff etcetera, etcetera…." explained Misato pulling right up to the concrete steps that led up to the front door.

"My dad's in there right?..." said Shinji, his voice sullen.

"Yeah he is, but don't worry I'll be there with you." she said tenderly. Shinji felt a surge of confidence rise within.

"All right, let's go."

Shinji opened the door and stepped out of the car, he looked up at the tall dark building looming high over head. _"Here I am Father"_

Suddenly his train of though was dashed by a torrent of sexual insults.

"WELL HELLO THERE MISS JUICY JUGS! ME, YOU, AND A CAN OF WHIPPED CREAM, NOW IS THAT A DATE OR WHAT!"

While patrolling the streets, a small group of soldiers had noticed Misato (in all her divine summer beauty) from the other side of the road, and you know what men are like in summer after a full day of drinking? Twats.

"OH WELL BOYS, I'M TEMPTED BUT I DON'T LIKE WHIPPED CREAM, I'M MORE OF A RASBERRY JAM GIRL!" yelled Misato, removing her hand bag from the car.

"IS THAT SO, WELL AT LEAST GET YER TITS OUT FOR US BABE!" The soldier crudely replied, getting a huge laugh from his equally randy pals.

"OH GET LOST YOU BUNCH OF GLORIFIED GIRL SCOUTS! WHY DON'T YOU GO PISS OFF AND SELL SOME COOKIES OR SOMETHING?!? Bunch of faggots…" roared Misato. The soldiers laughed and began going about their business.

"Don't they frighten you Misato?" asked Shinji, observing the automatic weapons that were slung over their backs.

"What? Those jokers, Nah it happens all the time, when you're as gorgeous as me you get used to it! God, I wish I had a penny for every time those stick jerking idiots said something, I'd be a zillionaire by now!" smirked Misato, as she removed her red hat and jacket from the back seat of the car.

"Besides, why should I be scared when I've got a nice, lovely strapping young man like you to look after me?!" asked Misato with a wink.

"Err…can we go see my dad now!?" Shinji asked evasively.

Misato and Shinji ascended the staircase and approached the front door. Two large men wearing plain black suits and sunglasses flanked either side of the doorway. Shinji felt a pang of fear from their menacingly formal appearance. Misato instantly sensed Shinji's concern from the tense expression on his face.

"It's ok Shinji, everyone's real nice here!" she whispered.

"Are they gonna search us?" Shinji whispered back.

"Well yeah, its procedure…But don't worry about it, it's not like their gonna get the Vaseline and the one fingered rubber glove out or anything like that! It's just a quick up and down search." said Misato reassuringly. "So if you got any explosives, knives , AK's or cocaine in that bag of yours, you might wanna take it back to the car." Misato sarcastically advised.

"Hey Miss K, having a nice day?" greeted one of the guards.

"Oh, don't get me started! So how's the wife doing?" asked Misato, as the guard began to search her.

"Like you said, don't get me started!" laughed the guard. "You got any spare change or any other kind of metallic object on you?" asked the other guard, standing next to the metal detector that lined the doorway. Misato removed her pistol and the spare change from her jacket pockets.

"Im gonna need the earrings too Miss K…" the guard pointed out.

"Oh right, just make sure you don't lose them they cost a bomb!." warned Misato, as she removed them and handed them over.

"Any other piercings?..." the guard asked with a suggestive smile, as he ran his eyes over the length of Misato's shag-tastic body.

"OOOooo well, none that are visible!" smirked Misato, provoking the laughter of the security guards.

"_Wow, everyone likes __Misato; she's got such a great personality! How does she do it?" _thought Shinji.

"So who's the kid?"

"Oh don't worry guys he's with me, he's got a job interview." said Misato, gesturing for Shinji to come forward.

"Hi" he squeaked quietly, as he handed over his backpack.

"Ah, let me guess…Your Ikari's kid aren't you?" asked the guard.

"Yeah…" mumbled Shinji, as the guard searched him.

"Well good luck in your interview kid, and Misato if you ever do want to show me your piercings then feel free to ring me anytime!" laughed the guard as he opened the door to the inner lobby.

"Oh behave yourself you naughty man! What would your wife say?!" said Misato playing along with the sleazy joke. "See Shinji, see what I have to damn well put up with?" she said under her breath. Shinji smirked and quickly followed her inside. The interior of the building was absolutely immaculate, not one speck of dirt could be found. The lobby had a very modern design with its marble floors and onyx panelled walls. But it's most impressive feature was a large fountain composed of three strange looking humanoid figures, in a fighting pose. Each of the figures must have been twice the size of an adult.

"…_Wow…__what the hell are they"_ thought Shinji admiring the grandeur and intricacy of the stone beings. Shinji's gaze drifted down to look at the podium the three statues were standing on, and noticed a message engraved on granite plaque, over which the water ran.

"_God's In His Heaven, All's Right With The World.__ What is that suppose to mean?" _he thought to himself.

"Hey Shinji, get your bony butt over here!" yelled Misato who was waiting for him at the secretary's desk.

"Yes Ma'am!"

"Here, you need to sign in." said Misato passing him a pen. Shinji quickly signed and followed Misato over to some plush seats that were arranged around a large coffee table in the centre of the room. They weren't the only ones waiting there, several people in business suits and military uniform were dotted around the room, waiting for there various appointments and meetings.

"So what do you think of Nerv so far Shinji, it's pretty rockin huh?" yawned Misato, putting her feet up on the table.

"This place is amazing! How the heck did you end up working for nerv?" asked Shinji as his large blue eyes looked around the colossal room.

"Actually, I never really wanted to work for Nerv, I just sort of stumbled into it. Originally I wanted to be a hairdresser." said Misato as she blew a strand of hair out of her eyes. Shinji cracked a smile and sniggered slightly.

"Yeah yeah! It's lame I know, but when I left school there wasn't many 'glamorous' jobs around, what with the second impact and all…" explained Misato. "I soon realised cutting hair wasn't really a priority in a post 'near' apocalyptic world! So Instead I went to college and got a part time job as an assistant in a genetics lab. Anyway, one day the college announced it was going to hold an employment seminar in the auditorium, so I decided to check it out and surprise surprise, Nerv was there advertising for interns. I was a little smarter and a little quicker then most, so I applied and hey presto, here I am!" smiled Misato.

"So you've only ever had two jobs?" asked Shinji.

"Well, I did make some naughty videos during my late teens that I'm not too proud of, do they count?"

"Yeah sure, whatever Misato..." said Shinji rolling his eyes at yet another one of her racey jokes. Misato laughed and stood to her feet.

"Oh man, I love teasing you Shinji, you're so easy to wind up!" she laughed. "I'm just gonna go get some coffee, you want anything?"

"No thanks!" Shinji said annoyed. Misato giggled and walked over to the vending machines near the main entrance.

"_God cant she go five minutes with out telling a dirty joke !..."_ thought Shinji. Suddenly he noticed that one of the elevator doors that was located on the far wall directly opposite him, opened up and revealed a young girl in a school uniform, she had a pale complexion, short light blue hair and crimson coloured eyes. Shinji was speechless as she slowly made her way across the room; never taking her eyes off of his the whole time, until she passed him.

"And what are you staring at stud boy?!" jested Misato, knowing very well what he was looking at.

"D-Does that girl work here?!" asked Shinji, mesmerized by her youthful, slender looks.

"Why yes Shinji, she does." smirked Misato as she sipped her coffee. Shinji watched in silence as she signed out at the receptionist's desk. Misato smiled and got an idea.

"Her name is Rei Ayanami, here I'll introduce you." said Misato; making her way over to the girl.

"No! Misato don't please! I don't know what to say!!! I'LL LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!!" hissed Shinji racked with nerves.

"Rei! Yoo-hoo Rei! I want you to meet someone." yelled Misato. Rei looked over her shoulder then turned to face Misato.

"Rei Ayanami, meet your new colleague Shinji Ikari!" smiled Misato, pushing Shinji forward. "Well go on Shinji tell her a little about yourself!"

"Hello m-miss Ikari, I mean dad! Oh FFFFFFF… I mean Rei!..." said Shinji eventually managing to say her name correctly. Rei remained motionless, as if she was silently mocking his foolishness.

"…Your fly is unzipped" Rei said abruptly. Shinji winced, and immediately zipped it back up. He had just met the girl and already he made a total tit of himself! Shinji was so upset, he just stood there, looking at the floor with embarrassment.

"Captain Katsuragi, I need to be getting back home now, I have to study…"

"Oh, sure thing Rei" said Misato. Rei was a strange girl, not much was known about her family, or her background, or her hobbies, if any. But something was strangely alluring about her body language, especially to Shinji.

"God that girl freaks me out sometimes; she's always been a quiet one." Misato commented as Rei exited the building. "To be honest, I've known brick walls with more personality…"

Shinji ignored Misato and continued to observe her through the large windows.

"Don't get me wrong, Rei's a nice girl, she just seriously needs a firework up her ass. Still, her tits are pretty big, I guess that compensates for her boring personality, don't you think?...HEY SHINJI are you listening to me?!" yelled Misato, snapping him out of his trance.

"…oh sorry, what were you going on about?" asked Shinji, confused.

"Rei, she's totally stacked for her age don't you think?" Misato asked again.

"WHAT?!"

" She's got a nice can too, It's not fair, when I was her age I was flat as an ironing board, if I were you Shinji I'd ask her out!" advised Misato.

"Jesus, how the hell does your mind work Misato?!"

"You should though!" said Misato.

"Even if I did she'd just say no…" sulked Shinji, thinking about how he embarrassed himself. Misato was going to make fun of him but the receptionist came over and interrupted their conversation.

"Excuse me Captain, but Commander Ikari is ready to see you now" she said. Shinji instantly felt his stomach churn at the mention of his father.

"Well we better not keep him waiting, come on Shinji lets get going." Shinji took one last look at Rei and followed Misato towards the elevators.

The elevator ride was uncomfortably silent.

"Misato?"

"Mmmmm?" mumbled Misato, who was busy reading some paper work.

"How old is Rei?"

"She's fourteen, why? Ooooh I get it, you like her don't you?" mocked Misato.

"For your information, Misato! Just because I'm asking about someone's age doesn't mean I like them!" snapped Shinji.

"OOOooooo My little Shinji Winji woo woo is in love! If you wanna take her out Shinji give me a shout, I'll let you borrow my car, it's real comfy on the back seat!" sniggered Misato.

"Just forget I said anything!" grumbled Shinji.

"_Oh man, if Auska were here she'd tear this kid apart!"_ Misato thought to herself with an amused giggle.

Suddenly the elevator bell dinged, and the doors parted. It was weird; the floor they arrived at was nothing more then a long corridor with a pair of black wooden doors at the end.

"Well here we are Shinji, that's your dad's office over there." said Misato pointing to the dark foreboding doors.

"Well I better go see what he wants…" droned Shinji, full of teenage angst. Misato suddenly knelt down to his eye level and placed her hands on Shinji's shoulders. "Look if you want me to come with you I will, or shall I just keep my big fat nose out of your business and wait outside?" smiled Misato.

"I think I'll be fine, after all if I'm gonna be working here I've got to get used to seeing him around, sooner or later I'll end up being alone with him anyway" explained Shinji. Misato smiled and gave him a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Good luck kid, and try to relax!"

"Thanks Misato."

It was time to confront his dad.


	3. Ooooooh! That's Gotta Hurt!

**OOOOH! That's gotta hurt!**

The office had a warm, heady atmosphere. Shinji closed the door quietly behind him and stood staring at his father, the man who abandoned him and ruined his life was sitting there like his shit didn't stink. The audacity of it was astonishing and enraging at the same time, he was just staring back at Shinji as if he was a mere acquaintance, or a stray dog.

"Shinji" Gendo greeted him flatly. "I'm assuming that you don't really care about the position Nerv has summoned you here for, you came here for answers didn't you?"

"Your damn right I want answers!" yelled Shinji. His dad was slightly taken back by the flare of anger.

"…I understand you're upset but I will warn you once and only once. Never, NEVER! Talk to me in that tone, you will refer to me as 'sir' from hence forth, do you understand?" warned Gendo. Even after three years of total absence, his power to put the shits up Shinji hadn't diminished in the slightest.

"Answer me boy, do you understand!?"

"…y-yes sir…" mumbled Shinji, tears blurring his vision.

"Good" replied Gendo; removing a large sealed envelope from his desk. "Unfortunately I don't have time to discuss our personal issues; both you and I have more important things to worry about. Inside this envelope are your employment contracts and a medical questionnaire, complete them overnight and return them to me in the morning, if you need any help filling in the forms then Katsuragi will assist you. Now leave, my time is valuable." Instructed Gendo; immediately picking up the phone and going about his everyday clerical duties. This was totally unbelievable; the four-eyed prick never showed one scrap of remorse during the whole conversation, not even an apology. He just casually brushed aside the whole messy business of abandoning Shinji as if it never happened.

"Wait a minute, we've got stuff to talk about!" said Shinji astonished at the insultingly brief encounter.

"Your questions can wait." His father barked, ignorantly proceeding with his phone call.

"HEY ASSHOLE, I'M TALKING TO YOU!!" screamed Shinji, infuriated at his dad's lack of attention. Gendo looked up angrily and replaced the receiver; he rose from his chair and slowly walked up to Shinji who was beginning to seriously regret what he said.

"I don't have time to waste on you or your incoherent nonsense so I will tell you again, get out of my office. Now." warned Gendo growing impatient.

"Why did you leave me!" croaked Shinji on the verge of tears.

"You will find out when you learn to speak like a civilized human, but until then, leave." Shinji was boiling with rage, there were so many things he wanted to talk about, his mom, his school life, his achievements, but his stupid fat jerk dad (quite obviously) wasn't interested in anything he had to say. Shinji was half expecting a warm heart felt apology accompanied by a nice big hug with oodles and oodles of love and comfort, but instead he received a big plate of 'I don't give a fuck' with a side of nothing! This was the last straw. Shinji had been pushed to far, without warning he screamed like a demonic chimp and punched his dad in the balls full force, it was such a hard hit Shinji could actually feel his dad's meat and two veg thrust up into his body cavity.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" bellowed Gendo, clutching his wedding tackle as he staggered backwards. The pain was so tremendous; he stumbled into his desk causing his coffee and his other office stationary to scatter to the floor.

"….I….I'm sorry!!!" babbled Shinji, not fully coming to terms with what he had just done. Surely there must have been a more civilized way of conveying the intense frustration he harboured for his negligent father, but when the person that has been dicking you over for the past three years is standing just a couple of inches away, then social etiquette isn't exactly a major priority. Besides, the fucker totally had it coming! Gendo had doubled over in pain, sucking in deep hissing breaths through his tightly clenched teeth.

"….just….just get out of my sight…." He hissed, paralyzed by the horrendously dull ache. Shinji quickly exited and met up with Misato outside the office.

"Jesus that was quick!" Misato commented. "So, how did it go…Shinji?"

"I smacked him in the balls…" replied Shinji, staring into space.

"…What?"

"I smacked him in the balls, I can't believe it." said Shinji looking mortified.

"No seriously, how did it go?" laughed Misato.

"I'm telling the truth, I walked in there, we talked and the next thing I know I punched him in the nads…" reiterated Shinji. Misato stared at Shinji utterly perplexed; she didn't really know what to say. Who would?

"You smacked him in the balls?" Misato confirmed.

"For the millionth time yes!" Shinji replied exasperated.

"….No horse shit Shinji?"

"No horse shit Misato! Go and see for yourself…"

"Oh man I gotta see this!" sniggered Misato, bursting with childish curiosity. She cautiously approached the door and opened it slightly; the urge to laugh was almost unbearable. Gendo was now on the floor moaning in pain, writhing amongst his pencils and pens.

"Oh my god! I can't believe you did that!" Misato whispered loudly as she retreated from the door.

"What am I gonna do now!" asked Shinji, fear now swallowing his already panic stricken mind.

"Firstly I think we should get the hell out of here, and secondly I'm gonna treat you to your first real drink!" laughed Misato, pushing Shinji into the elevator.

"Drink? What the hell for?!"

"Because, ever since I met your dad I've wanted to kick him in the balls, and so do most of the people that work for Nerv, you may not have realised it but you've just fulfilled the life ambition of a lot of people around here, oh god I can't wait to tell everyone. You're gonna be a hero Shinji!" congratulated Misato, bubbling with excitement as she pushed the ground floor button.

"….I've ruined everything, I've fucking ruined everything!" wailed Shinji, finally bursting into tears. He quickly hid his face in his hands in a feeble attempt to hide his shame. Misato instantly stopped laughing and watched with concern; he was intensely upset about what happened. Any chance of reconciling with his dad was in his mind, gone. It was pitiful to watch as Shinji shuddered and convulsed with every whimper and snivel. Misato sighed and put her arm around his shoulders; drawing him in close so her right boob was more or less sitting on top of his head. It was a strange feeling, he wanted to pull away and hug her back at the same time.

"Hey Shinji its ok, we can sort this out no sweat" she said, trying to comfort him.

"No, no we cant, he totally hates me now!" sobbed Shinji, burying his face into her jacket.

"Listen to me Shinji, even though you did hit your dad in his… personal area, it doesn't mean that he hates you!"

"Yes it does!"

"I know this will sound strange but, he will probably respect you for hitting him then hating you." explained Misato.

"That's stupid and it doesn't make any sense!"

"Oh yes it does, it shows him his son isn't a wimp, and it shows him you don't take shit from anyone, not even him. I bet you anything he's proud of you." smiled Misato.

"R-r-r- really?!" asked Shinji wiping his eyes.

"Trust me, what you did took guts, and showing courage always earns respect."

"But what if he fires me, I'll never see him or y…again!" squeaked Shinji.

"If he was going to fire you he would have done it there and then, remember what I told you Shinji you're a very special person, Nerv cant afford to fire you. You need to realise you're own importance more" soothed Misato. Shinji was suddenly conflicted, this whole thing was totally psycho! He was in an elevator crying and hugging a person he didn't really know, but it felt so right. Also the girly scent from her jacket was giving him a hard on, which didn't help the current situation.

"And don't worry about having to speak with him, I'll ring the office and take care of him when we get home."

"Why are you being so nice to me?" asked Shinji, slightly disturbed that he met a woman who didn't want to throw up all over him.

"Maybe I'm a nice person did you ever think of that?" asked Misato with a smirk. But Shinji didn't fully buy it, there was something about her that was a bit odd, obviously Misato Katsuragi was more then she appeared. But for now he was happy to forget his suspicions and let her comfort him, it felt very natural; maternal even.

"God look at me, crying like a little wuss!" smirked Shinji, slightly regaining his calm.

"So what?! We all cry Shinji, even Mr Giggles up there" said Misato darting her eyes up to the ceiling.

"Mr Giggles?" enquired Shinji.

"Yeah, that's what we call you're dad around here, you know because he's so cranky all the time, it's supposed to be ironic." explained Misato.

"Yeah, I sort of guessed that."

"God he's a miserable bastard, I don't think I've ever seen him smile. Get a load of this right, a few months ago it was his birthday, and for a laugh me and some of the other Nerv guys chipped in and got him a happy meal from Mc Donald's as a joke, I sneaked it into his office and left him a card aswell, signed by me and all the other staff, we expected him to at least show some sense of humour on his birthday, but no, he decided to act like a total asshole and made a P.A announcement to the whole building threatening to reduce our salaries for trespassing and gross misconduct! Can you believe that?" recalled Misato.

"Yeah, that sounds like him, I bet if he won the lottery he'd still have a face like a chapped cunt!" smirked Shinji, for a moment he worried that his comment had been to lewd, but his worries soon melted away when Misato burst out laughing.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA NICE ONE SHINJI! I'll have to remember that one!"

_Meanwhile, __Back in Commander Ikari's office…_

Gendo was still on the floor huddled over, you see when a man gets hit in his joy department the pain doesn't just dissipate after a few minutes, oh no! It lingers on and on and radiates through out your entire being in long, slow, excruciating waves.

"_Jesus what a punch, He takes after his mother"_ he thought. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door; Fuyutski entered with a thick stack of invoices and a ton of other assorted paperwork, after a few steps he froze to the spot, trying to fathom what had happened. Gendo stared back at him in silence as the old man observed the peculiar scene.

"Went well did it?"

"Just shut up and get me some pain killers!" hissed Gendo.

Bye now it was the late afternoon, with the west aflame and the cool, looming gloom ever growing in the east. Misato and Shinji had left the building and began to make their way back to her apartment. The city had come shunting to a halt like it did everyday at rush hour; the streets were gridlocked with abusive motorists and belligerent traffic wardens as far as the eye could see.

"So Shinji, are you looking forward to your first day of work tomorrow?" asked Misato, honking her car horn.

"Sort of, I just wish I knew what I'm suppose to be doing, all this classified stuff is getting annoying." said Shinji resting his head on his arm.

"It is pretty annoying isn't it? You can't even take a piss at Nerv without them making you sign a security waver." agreed Misato. "But it will all make sense tomorrow, you'll see"

"Hey Misato, I'm sorry for swearing back there in the elevator, I don't usually say stuff like that…"

"Eh, I'm not really bothered, if you wanna swear then swear." said Misato shrugging her shoulders. "You're basically a grown up anyway."

Shinji smiled and gazed through the windscreen, staring at the hundreds of people littering the sidewalks, suddenly something caught his eye, a head of light blue hair…it was Rei.

"Hey Misato, isn't that Rei?" asked Shinji, pointing to a petite figure in the distance. Misato squinted her eyes and scanned the sidewalk.

"Why yes Casanova I believe it is, you've really got an eye for the ladies haven't you Shinji?"

"No, any idiot can clearly see its Rei!"

"You can't fool me Shinji I've seen the way you look at her." smirked Misato.

"What do you mean 'the way I look at her' demanded Shinji.

"Oh my god Shinji, come on! When I introduced you two back there you almost drowned the whole of Tokyo-3 with your drool!"

"I wasn't drooling!" protested Shinji, but no matter how hard he denied it he couldn't hide the obvious fact that he was attracted to Rei like an obese child to an ice cream van!

"You were so! And don't think I didn't see you're other little problem either." giggled Misato nodding towards his crotch. "Jesus I bet you could have lifted a jumbo can of paint with that beast!!"

"KNOCK IT OFF MISATO I MEAN IT!!!" warned Shinji.

"Ok ok keep your shirt on!" laughed Misato. The car was rapidly approaching Rei, and Misato decided she wanted to play 'matchmaker' a second time.

"Hey Shinji, I'm gonna offer her a ride home is that cool with you?"

"NO! j-just drive on, ok Misato?" begged Shinji, his anger instantly being replaced by anxiety. Misato just smiled and raised her eyebrows suggestively.

"I mean it Misato, if you stop for her then I'm getting out!" warned Shinji.

"Fine, I call your bluff…" smirked Misato, knowing full well he had no intention of leaving the car. Shinji's eyes widened with fear as Misato pulled up level next to Rei, the last thing he wanted was a repeat of earlier, but Shinji couldn't help being a spaz. He was going to have to say something pretty damn cool to eradicate his lame-o doofus image from Rei's mind, but when it came to impressing girls Shinji was about as much use as a condom machine in a convent.

"Please Misato just drive on!" begged Shinji.

"Nope, you're gonna talk to her or I'll talk to her for you." warned Misato. Shinji certainly didn't want Misato and her warped sense of humour anywhere near Rei. There was no choice, he caved in.

"Fine ask her if you must, but don't say anything embarrassing ok"

"…Wha'dya mean embarrassing?!" asked Misato slightly offended.

"You know? Stuff like music, TV, school, movies, periods, body parts and especially anything sex related!" explained Shinji.

"God is it ok if I breathe Shinji?!"

"Just don't ok?" he instructed.

"Well if you think I'm so embarrassing then you can ask her!" said Misato, pressing the window button before he could object.

"No Misato it was your idea!" hissed Shinji, Quickly hushing up as the window swiftly glided down and revealed Rei's slim torso.

"Errr Hey Rei!" greeted Shinji, trying to sound as casual as possible. Rei stopped walking and looked through the window.

"_Go on __then Shinji, ask her for a ride..." _whispered Misato.

"Can I help you Ikari?" greeted Rei. Shinji cleared his throat and ran his hand through his hair with nervousness.

"You wanna ride me?! OH GOD! That came out wrong, I meant do you want a ride as in ride home, not ride as in making l-l-love…with…me … OH MAN!!!" moaned Shinji, thumping the dash with anger; once again he managed to make a complete and utter, prize winning dildo out of himself. Misato exploded with uncontrollable laughter as poor little Shinji cringed and scowled at his own incompetence.

"AND YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT ME!" panted Misato, holding her ribs.

"Yeah that's it Misato, laugh at me, kick me when I'm down..." frowned Shinji. Rei couldn't help but crack a smile also. It took a lot to make her laugh, in fact you'd probably be more likely to see a one legged white man win the Olympics then see her laugh, but this tickled her just right.

"…You mean, do I want a ride home?" she replied, Shinji detected a slight trace of amusement in her voice, and naturally his twisted sense of interpretation blew it out of proportion, and mistook it for contempt.

"Y-yeah, but it wasn't my idea! It was Captain Katsuragi's, and I can assure you I'm not attracted to you in any way shape or form, so don't get the wrong idea!" said Shinji defensively, the latter was a huge load of crap but this was the only way he might be able to retain a shred of his dignity. Rei's slight smile instantly vanished.

"You don't talk to girls much do you?" she asked flatly. Shinji just shook his head. Judging by his intensely solemn expression, she could see it had taken a hell of lot of courage for him to talk to her. Usually Rei wouldn't be interested, but this time she decided to take pity.

"It's too hot to walk anyway…" said Rei, opening the rear passenger door. The warm air permeated the car drowning out its air conditioning in a few seconds; Rei sat down and made herself comfortable; placing her school bag on the seat next to her. Shinji began to think dirty thoughts as the interior of the car filled up with the delicious smell of 'teenage girl' Misato was still howling with laughter, and it was wearing thin on Shinji's nerves.

"You can stop laughing now Misato!" Shinji sarcastically suggested, trying to forget his humiliating mishap.

"I'm sorry I just can't help it Shinji, you make me laugh so damn much!" she replied, still tittering and sniggering. Misato ruffled his hair with amusement; she thought it was adorable the way he kept on screwing up around Rei.

"Awwww isn't he sweet Rei?"

"Darling…" she agreed, making a point to show no emotion.

"So where do you want dropping off Miss Ayanami, Home? Or are you headed somewhere else first?" asked Misato, wiping the final tears from her eyes.

"Home will be fine thanks." said Rei.

"No problemo, me and Shinji were just heading home to."

An uncomfortable silence descended on the car, broken only by Misato who occasionally swore under her breath at the traffic. Shinji wasn't satisfied with the stunningly crap impression he made upon meeting Rei, the whole 'Ride me' pick up line went down as well as a plate of jumbo frankfurters in a synagogue. He wracked his brain for something witty to say, but before he could think of anything Misato decided to speak on his behalf.

"So Rei, you got a boyfriend yet?" she asked whilst winking at Shinji.

"No"

"Ah, so you're looking huh?"

"Misato, don't!" pleaded Shinji, his eyes wide with fear.

"It depends on the guy I suppose" answered Rei, knowing instantly that Misato was trying to set her up with Shinji.

"I see, well don't worry Rei, I'm sure that one day you'll find a lovely young man with a nice big winky and live happily ever after…What's that Shinji? You want to ask Rei a question?" asked Misato, nudging him with her knee and jerking her head in Rei's direction, as if to say 'Here's your chance!'

"OH GOD!..." moaned Shinji, thoroughly humiliated. Despite clearly being told not to, Misato had well and truly destroyed him with her excruciatingly embarrassing innuendo.  
_ "Why me god, WHY ME!? This is what having an interfering mom must feel like!" _thought Shinji.

Twenty painfully embarrassing minutes later, they finally escaped the noisy congestion of the city centre; the suburbs seemed like paradise in comparison. Everything looked new and modern, all the streetlights worked, the roads didn't have any potholes, and there wasn't a pile of dog shit anywhere in sight. It made sense really; Tokyo-3 was more or less a decade old so everything was still brand new, unlike the filthy, crumbling, crudely designed metropolises of the twentieth century. Misato pulled up outside a large grey apartment block.

"And here we are!" beamed Misato, shifting the car into neutral.

"Thank you for the lift Captain" said Rei, exiting the car. "I'll see you tomorrow Shinji"

"Catch ya later Rei!"

"Yeah, bye Rei…" waved Shinji, surprised that she acknowledged him at all. Rei walked to the front doors of the building, she swiped her cardkey and entered into the lobby. As soon as she passed out of view, Shinji turned to face Misato.

"Well done, because of you she thinks I'm a weirdo!"

"Hey man I wasn't the one who asked her to do the mattress mambo!" sniggered Misato.

"THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT! And it was your fault I said that because it was your idea to pick her up in the first place, I just wanted to drive by but nooooooooo!" sneered Shinji.

"You have to admit it was pretty funny." smiled Misato.

"No it wasn't!"

"Then why are you laughing?!" smirked Misato pulling a silly face.

"I'm not laughing…"

"You are so!" chuckled Misato, crossing her eyes.

"…stop it Misato you're not funny…" smirked Shinji, trying to hold back his laughter.

"Then why are you laughing!" she asked again, suddenly she lunged at him like a hungry lioness and started to tickle him all over. Shinji couldn't hold it in anymore and burst out laughing.

"See, you do find it funny!" laughed Misato digging her fingers under his armpits.

"STOP IT!!NO I DON'T!!!"

"YES YOU DO, ADMIT IT AND I'LL STOP!" yelled Misato.

"OK OK I GIVE!! IT WAS FUNNY!!" screamed Shinji unable to take anymore, Misato laughed with triumph and ceased tickling his skinny ribs. Shinji immediately pulled away, gasping for breath.

"Jesus, what the hell's wrong with you Misato?!" asked Shinji; tucking his shirt back in.

"Awwww don't be so grumpy, Rei found it funny too." explained Misato.

"Yeah, but she wasn't laughing with me, she was laughing at me."

"Firstly she never laughed, she smiled. And secondly women like men who can make them laugh" said Misato "And did you notice how she said goodbye? She was all like _'Oh! I can't bear to be with out you Shinji, why don't you come on up and play with mah big lovely titties!'_ she was all over you like a rash!"

"Oh shut up Misato, she's not interested." chuckled Shinji, secretly liking the thought. Even though she embarrassed him all the time he couldn't stay mad at Misato, she was annoying in a sweet funny sort of way.

"What? She's totally gagging for it, trust me! Anyway, we better be heading on home, you're gonna love the room I've set up for you Shinji."

Suddenly, tears came to Shinji's eyes; never in his entire life had he felt more accepted and welcome as he did that day, it was somewhat disorientating, no one had ever gave a shit about him apart from his mom. And despite the day being very embarrassing and awkward, the fact remained that he still managed to make two new friends, find a new home, and give his dad a piece of his mind. Life seemed to be getting better for once.

"Sure let's go home" smiled Shinji.

And so they did…


	4. Be It Ever So Messy

**Be it ever so messy…**

The day was drawing to an end, and the sun was starting to sink behind the distant wooded hills, where it seemed to hover like a giant red sphere. Night would soon chase away the last remnants of light; revealing the first evening stars on Tokyo-3's eastern horizon.

It had been a hell of an afternoon for Shinji, the constant screw ups; combined with Misato's never ending supply of childish "humour" had taken humiliation to staggering new heights. Shinji sighed as he rested his head against the passenger window and gazed up at the moon, which seemed to follow the car as they drove through the sleepy suburbs. Thoughts and suspicions once again clouded his worried little mind; it wasn't hard for Misato to notice the Sad-as-Shit expression on his gaunt face so she decided to interfere once again.

"Shinji?"

"Yeah..."

"Are you pissed at me?" she cautiously asked; assuming that he was mad at her for embarrassing him earlier.

"No Ma'am…" droned Shinji.

"Well I don't mean to dig, but you look like you've got a flea up your ass about something; so what's up?"

"It's just …Are you absolutely sure you want me to live with you?" asked Shinji, unable to shake the feeling that he wasn't really welcome. He knew that Misato would receive extra cash for his upkeep and couldn't help but think that was the only reason why she wanted him to come home with her. After all, people rarely welcome strangers into their homes with open arms, purely out of human compassion. Let's face it even Jesus' parents were told to piss off, so what chance did a dorky little head-job like him have?

Shinji observed the growing look of disbelief on her face as the question sunk in and begun to think that he might have spoken to hastily.

"_Oh shit, maybe she really does want to be my friend?..."_ but he quickly dismissed the ridiculous notion; genuinely good friends are about as common as flying unicorns. I mean come on; have you ever heard of a twenty-nine year old woman befriending a teenage boy?

"What the fff…! Now why in the name of Barney's salty-purple-sack, would you say that?!" asked Misato slightly amused. "Are you scared of seeing your dad again, is that it? Don't let that moron stop you from working at Nerv Shinji; I promise you, he won't lay a god damn finger on you or I'll rip his pecker off!" snarled Misato, full of zeal. In case you couldn't tell, she was very serious about her friends well being.

"No-no-no it's nothing like that I…I just don't want to get under your feet…"

"WHAT?! You won't get under my feet sweetie, me and you get on great!" laughed Misato, failing to see his point.

"Look, I know I'm a chore to be around; so if you're only doing this because you feel you have to then please just don't bother." explained Shinji; full of self pity.

When his dad left him, Shinji was under the impression that there was something fundamentally screwed up with him, something truly awful about his personality that drove his father away. He believed this self hating delusion for so long that he started to think that no one anywhere could ever like him. It didn't take a Sigmund Freud to realise this, for god's sake Misato managed to work it out and she could barely see past the end of her nose.

"Listen Shinji, I know you're upset about your dad walking out on you, but you have to remember it wasn't your fault; you're a great kid! You're bright, respectful, charming and not to mention totally adorable! And it annoys me when you say things like 'oh I'm a boring little shit to be around' or 'Nobody likes me because I'm a weirdo boo hoo hoo!' Trust me; I know an asshole when I see one and you're nowhere near as detestable as you make yourself out to be. If you were, then I would have left you at the station with out a second thought; so in answer to you're question Shinji, yes, I do want you to live with me, guys like us have to stick together" stated Misato, giving Shinji a friendly punch in the arm. Misato was wonderful, she always seemed to know what to say; sort of like that short green dude from Star Wars; but a much sexier version with a killer pair of jugs.

"Yeah, I guess we do, and if you ever want me to do chores or help you out with anything then consider it done!" promised Shinji, feeling a lot better. "By the way Misato, who's Barney?"

"…Before your time kid."

After a few minutes Shinji and Misato began to approach an attractive looking high rise.

"Here we are Shinji; Home at last!" beamed Misato. "I hope you're up for some fun, cuz me and you have got some serious partying to do YEEE HAAAHH!" screamed Misato; beeping the car horn.

"…really, what for?" enquired Shinji.

"Isn't it obvious? To celebrate the first day of your exciting new career duh! You can't start a new job with out a celebration; it's the law! God what planet have you been living on?!" asked Misato, stopping the car at the large iron gates. Shinji stared with marvel at the building he now called home; he half expected it to be your everyday run-of-the-mill Japanese tenement building, like those 12 by 8 foot single roomed shit-holes that were usually built on land reclaimed from the sea, but this was more like one of those trendy western apartment complexes designed for the middle class.

"Wow this place is pretty nice Misato…" admired Shinji.

"Yeah it's not bad; this is like my third apartment. After my old man died I received a nice little inheritance and was able to get out on my own, it's funny really; the son of a bitch was more use to me dead then he was alive!" laughed Misato. "What's even more hilarious is now that he's dead I get to see him more then ever, at least the old geezer can't go hopping countries now he's six feet under!"

Shinji found it quite disturbing how she could joke about her Fathers death, but then again if her dad was anything like his was it any wonder?

"Didn't you two get on very well then?"

"Like matches and dynamite, seriously man, our arguments were so bad Jerry Springer would think twice before inviting us on his show."

Misato rolled down her window and inserted her identification card into a small automated Kiosk, a loud bleep indicated the card was accepted and the gates slowly opened. "Oooh yeah I love that sound…" said Misato in her best phone sex voice; she loved putting Shinji on edge, but quite surprisingly he didn't have a heart attack like he usually did, instead he just looked at her with a look of amused confusion.

"Your really weird you know that Misato?"

They cruised along the smooth tarmac road and descended a slope that led down into an underground car park, directly beneath the building.

"I hate coming down here, especially at night. You never know who's lurking around these things…" commented Misato, scanning the dark columnaded lot for dark figures. "Still, if anyone wants a rumble then bring it on! I'll just blow their freakin heads off!" The comment drew Shinji's eyes to her left breast, where the dim light caught the handle of her holstered pistol. After parking the car and disembarking, Shinji and Misato made there way over to the parking lot elevator.

"Hey Misato, you ever used that gun before?"

"What, you mean have I ever shot someone?" countered Misato.

"Yeah"

"…What do you think?" she smirked.

"No way! You seriously killed someone?!" chuckled Shinji.

"I never said I killed anyone, but I did shoot a guy in the ankle once." she boasted.

"Whoa, how did that happen?" gasped Shinji.

"Well one Saturday evening I went out on a booze cruise with some pals from work, and we all got totally splattered on rum and coke. Anyway, at around about 1:30 in the morning I decided to stagger home, obviously I couldn't drive because I left my car at home, and I was too blitzed to ring up a taxi so a nice evening strole seemed like a good idea. I can't remember much but I think I was singing 'Fly me to the moon' right in the middle of the city square when I heard footsteps from behind, I turned around just in time to see a fist hit me right in the face, next thing I know this creep was dragging me into a shop doorway and had me rammed up against the metal shutters, I had a good idea what filthy shit-head had in mind, so I drew my gun and shot the bastard; I was aiming for his dick but I was too drunk to aim properly, so naturally I missed and ended up getting him in the ankle instead." said Misato looking very proud of herself. Talk about girl power.

"…What, and you just left him there?!" chuckled Shinji.

"Yeah pretty much…"

"…And you got away with it?!"

"Well, I would have done, but just as I came to the top of my street, a police car drove by and I sort of; you know……flashed my tits off to them. I got fined for indecent exposure and spent the rest of the night in a jail cell."

"What! Why the hell did you do that?!" laughed Shinji.

"To be totally honest I've got no idea why I did it?... but then again I was completely smashed, pretty silly huh?…"

"…nice story Misato" sniggered Shinji, with a trace of disbelief.

"I suppose the moral is never get drunk, or is it never mess with the police?...either way, I rule with this thing. In fact I'll have to show you my skills on the range one day." offered Misato, drawing her gun and twirling it on her finger.

"Wow Nerv has a gun range? Could I have a go with it sometime?" asked Shinji.

"Sure, you can have a look at it now if ya like?"

"Wicked!"

Misato skilfully removed the magazine and passed the gun over to him. Shinji's face lit up with child like delight as he inspected the empty weapon. Incidentally, what the fuck is it with teenage boys and guns?!

"Cop a feel of that bad boy, pretty cool ain't it?" smirked Misato.

"Their a lot heavier then they look in the movies, what type of hand gun is it?" asked Shinji admiring its weight as he looked down the sight.

"That my boy is a Heckler and Koch USP, All Nerv's staff are issued with firearms, I've got two others at home, a berretta and a 44 magnum, but the HK is my fav; I think it compliments my image quite well, beautiful and deadly just like me!" said Misato, taking her hat off and shaking her long shiny hair out.

"…More like crazy and unpredictable" joked Shinji.

Suddenly a bright flash of light lit their gloomy surroundings for a nanosecond, and was instantly followed by an ear-splitting "BANG" Shinji screamed like a little girl as the pistol flew out of his hands and tumbled to the floor. The noise was hugely amplified by the low concrete ceiling and seemed to linger as it echoed off the distant walls.

"SSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHIT!!!!" gasped Misato, covering her ears "Jesus H Christ! Are you ok?!"

"Y-Y-Y-yeah I think so…" stuttered Shinji; his ears still ringing from the blast. Misato let out a sigh of relief and picked up the pistol.

"Why did it fire, I thought you took out the bullets?!" asked Shinji, still shook up from the unexpected discharge.

"There must have been one in the chamber…" gasped Misato quite embarrassed that she made such a reckless mistake. "Oh well, at least no one is hurt; heh talk about a blonde moment huh Shinji?!"

In the distance towards the entrance; the head lights of another car flashed around the room.

"Fuckin A! Let's get out of here before someone sees us!" hissed Misato, Shinji nodded and quickly followed.

After escaping into the safety of the elevator, Misato noticed Shinji was laughing to himself.

"What's so funny mister!?"

"Nothing, I've just never met anyone like you before!" giggled Shinji. Misato's overly perky and sometimes reckless outlook on life was a welcome and exhilarating change from the usual sour-faced, saggy, soulless old hags he'd encountered most of his life. True she sucked as a responsible role model, but she was a kick ass friend.

"Oh, Well thanks I guess!" she smiled. "Also Shinji darling, lets just keep this between us ok? If Fuyutski found out I let you play with a loaded weapon he'd bust my cute little butt down to janitor, and you wouldn't want me to get demoted now would ya? heh heh!" Misato had already been formally warned by Nerv for stealing stuff from work, swearing, tardiness, and many other acts of general insubordination. She had a record longer then an orang-utans arm and this shit was the last thing she needed.

"Sure Ma'am, I didn't see anything!"

"Good man!"

After exiting the elevator Misato stopped outside a plain looking door and inserted her house key.

"Well it's been a long ass day, but here we are at last! It's not exactly Buckingham palace, but who gives a crap its home to me."

"Anywhere is better then a children's home …" Shinji said glumly. And it was true, this was just as good as anywhere else to start a new life, at least he'd have his own room and he wouldn't have to share a toilet with like a million other kids. Misato strode over the threshold and turned on the hall light.

"Feel free to have a look around, I'm just gonna get changed out of these god damn clothes" she said, kicking her shoes off.

"…I don't mean to act paranoid Misato but…are you absolutely, positively sure you don't mind me living here?"

"NOW SHINJI!!" yelled Misato, sick of his self pitying crap.

"Yes Ma'am!"

Memories from Shinji's past suddenly came flooding back as he entered the hall, the womany smells of fresh laundry and pot puréehanging in the air was like a big fat shot of nostalgia, it reminded him of his mom when she did the housework; way back when he lived with his parents in there cosy little family home, that was of course before his life got flushed down the shitter.

"You're room is just down the hall Shinji, I'll just be a minute then I'll give you the grand tour!" Misato yelled from her bedroom.

"Ok!" even though she gave him permission, he didn't want to be a cheeky little bastard and just waltz around her house like he owned the joint, so he decided to wait for her.

"AAAAAHHH! that's better, it feels so good to get that skanky bra off!" sighed Misato, emerging from her room wearing a very short pair of denim cut-off's with a low cut yellow tank top, just looking at her was almost enough to make him cream his pants…

"……….I……..I" stammered Shinji; eyes bulging.

"You what? Oh right I get it, sorry Shinji but at the end of the day I like to let my hair down, after all what's the point in having your own pad if you cant be comfortable?! " smirked Misato. "Anyway, let me show you around; this is our lovely living room slash kitchen" said Misato sliding open a slatted wooden door, revealing her dump of a lounge. "As you can see I spend a lot of my time in here…"

"What the hell happened in here?!" asked Shinji observing the extraordinary mess. He was no stranger to untidiness, but what a fucking shit tip! It looked like an N2 mine had exploded in a landfill!

"Oh don't be such a sissy, there's nothing wrong with a bit of mess!" said Misato rolling her eyes.

"…A bit?! LOOK AT IT!!! You could make an entire fleet of battle ships out of all the empty beer cans in here, god I'm surprised you've got a liver left at all!" laughed Shinji.

"…Hmmmmm maybe you're right, it is a bit too messy ain't it?…Don't worry, I'll sort it all out tomorrow, but for now lets just chill out!"

Shinji instantly liked the place, it was humble and warm the way a home should be. Even if it was buried under a ton of crap! Suddenly his gaze was diverted from the mess.

"Wow!" gasped Shinji, staring with wonder at an awesome array of electrical equipment, sitting in the corner of the room. "What is all this stuff?!"

"Ah yes I thought you'd notice that, behold! The greatest entertainment system known to man!" boomed Misato with god like oration. "I've got everything, DVD player, Karaoke machine, a Flat screen TV with hi-def, LCD display, integrated digital tuner, split screen, surround sound and all that other impressive bullshit no one understands! Not bad eh?" Misato asked with a smile.

"No way, this is too cool to be real!" gasped Shinji.

"Oh and Shinji I know you'll like this, it's right up your street; I got satellite TV with all the dirty channels, so if for any reason you can't sleep feel free to come in here and get your freak on!" whispered Misato raising her eyebrows.

"…Err, well I don't really watch that type of stuff, in fact I-I've never watched it in my life…" lied Shinji. "Besides, why have you got all the dirty channels? I thought girls don't like that sort of thing…." asked Shinji.

"I don't, they just came with my channel package, oh I almost forgot let me show you your bedroom!"

"_Oh__ no…" _thought Shinji, sensing another load of sex jokes were on their way. Misato pranced off down the hallway and opened a door; Shinji looked inside and couldn't help but feel impressed.

"What do ya think?" asked Misato.

"Yeah it's….yeah…" said Shinji lost for words. Ever since the social workers came around his house and stuffed him into a kid's home, Shinji was forced to share a pokey little room with four other kids, and if that wasn't bad enough one of the dirty little bastards stank of pee. The concept of having privacy was alien.

"…My own room, awesome" whispered Shinji.

"Yep it's all yours kiddo! And don't worry I wont be spying on you, whatever you get up to in here is your business!" stated Misato.

"What?! I-I don't play with myself if that's what you think?!" yelled Shinji, very defensively.

"I never said you did! But if you decide to then that's up to you, after all it's your room; that's all I'm saying…" smirked Misato, backing off.

"I DON'T TOSS-OFF MISATO!!" snarled Shinji.

"Tee hee hee! Well, whatever you decide to do is up to you, oh and if you ever want to invite Rei around then it's cool with me, I'll just go to the movies or something!" said Misato, clapping him on the shoulder and shooting him a wink "Anyway, enough of this shite, lets get some chow, I'm starving!"

Shinji just looked at her with disbelief; this woman was round the twist! Living with her would be a very…unorthodox experience.

After much debate, Shinji and Misato decided to order a Pizza; since neither of them could be bothered to do any washing up it seemed to be the logical choice.

"Ah now this is what life's all about" smiled Misato as she opened the lid of the pizza box.

"Oh Shinji, get me a six pack from the fridge would ya, and don't forget to have a can for your self while your at it! I owe you a drink remember?!"

"…Sure, I remember Misato." moaned Shinji, recalling the look of agony on his dad's face. He got up from the kitchen table and opened up the fridge, every available space was ram jam packed with beer and cheap junk food.

"Hey Misato, why do you even bother having a fridge? You might as well buy a beer cooler and be done with it." commented Shinji

"…that would be pretty cool actually" agreed Misato, seriously considering the idea. "Anyway, hurry up and sit your butt down, we got stuff to talk about. Right… now that we've got some grub and something to wash it down with, we can start discussing all the little details concerning your new life here in Tokyo-3"

"Thank god, all I've heard so far is secret this and classified that, I thought I'd never find out about this job!" sighed Shinji.

"Hold your horses, first on the agenda is your education." said Misato, removing a slice of pizza from the box. "You start school next Monday with Rei, I checked the place out a few days ago and don't worry, there are loads of hot chicks there so you shouldn't have much trouble getting a girlfriend. You know; just In case it doesn't work out with Rei." smiled Misato, Shinji rolled his eyes impatiently.

"Yeah yeah yeah, that's fine and dandy Misato but what about this job, you said I'd be driving some sort of military vehicle?" asked Shinji cutting to the chase. Misato hesitated for a moment, she wasn't sure he was ready to accept the disturbing secrets Nerv was hiding. It was so frustrating; she wanted to tell him about the Angels and Eva's and all that other freaky stuff regarding the fabricated asteroid conspiracy at the South Pole, but the sheer extent and complexity of the truth could prove to be too intense for his young mind to handle; and besides, what was going to stop him from running out the front door if he got freaked out? The best course of action was to take him to Nerv central and break the unsettling news to him in the subterranean safety of central dogma; at least down there he couldn't run away and leave everyone with their dicks hanging out. Mankind was counting on him, even though he didn't know it yet.

"_Ritsuko would be better at telling him then me…"_ though Misato

"Err… well I'd like to tell you more about it Shinji but I'm not authorized to do so until your contract has been verified by your dad. Sorry…"

"Aww man, not more classified rubbish!?" droned Shinji.

"Try not to worry about it for now; you'll find out soon enough. Anyway Shinji how's your beer!?" smirked Misato, trying to change the subject. Shinji picked up the can and took a small sip; he swilled it around his mouth and swallowed it with a nauseating shudder.

"Eeeeeww tastes like crap!" frowned Shinji.

"What! Everyone loves beer, guys especially…Are you sure you're not gay?" joked Misato. Shinji was about to go ape shit at her when suddenly the living room door slid open and a strange looking creature waddled into the room. It was a Penguin?

Shinji rubbed his eyes and pushed the can of beer away with horror, fearing he had been drugged. He stared with total and utter disbelief as it went to the fridge and removed a brew, opened it, and begun to gargle it down.

"……M-Misato what the hell kind of beer is this?!!" asked Shinji, scared that he was tripping out.

"Huh, why?"

"Oh it's nothing important really, it's just…. I can see a penguin drinking a beer behind you."

Misato looked over her shoulder.

"Please tell me I'm not going nuts and that you see it too?…" asked Shinji.

"Oh him, that's just pen pen" Misato said casually as she finished off her can.

"…pen pen???" repeated Shinji still staring with uncertainty. Pen pen noticed Shinji was staring and decided to stare back as if to say "What the fuck are you looking at!"

"Yeah, cute little shit ain't he?!"

"Pen pen, As in Penguin?!" asked Shinji still totally bamboozled, most normal people have a cat or a dog; even helper monkeys in special cases. But trust Misato to have something ridiculously out of the ordinary.

"Remember when I told you that I used to work in a genetics lab? Well he was the result of a cloning experiment that was initiated after second impact, the experiment was intended to replenish the penguin population, as you know most of the poor little bastards were blown to kingdom come along with the rest of Antarctica." explained Misato.

"I see………well I think I'm gonna turn in, I want to be up early tomorrow for my first day. Oh, and thanks for everything Misato, I had a great time today" smiled Shinji awkwardly getting up from the table, but almost instantly Misato's arm reached out and grabbed his wrist.

"Awww don't be such a killjoy…(Hic!) Stay up and have a few more drinks with me; we're supposed to be celebrating!" slurred Misato, she only had one beer and already she was hammered, that couldn't be a good sign. Shinji could smell the booze on her breath and feared she might do something weird if he refused, so he decided to stay.

"Ok Misato, I'll stay up a little longer."

"That's the spirit, we're twenty four seven party people in this house!" she yelled, draining her can.

As the evening dragged on, Misato became more and more intoxicated. She had drank far too much and began to get very aggressive and noisy. Poor Shinji was trapped; all he could do was sit and listen to her nonsensical drivel, as she continued to drink can after can of high strength beer.

"Do you wanna know something Shhhhhhhhhhhinji?!...(Hic!)"

"Err…ok" he agreed, slightly amused by her disoriented state. Misato took a large swig from her umpteenth can of beer and viciously slammed it on the table.

"MEN ARE SHIT THAT'S WHAT!!!...But you, right…" she pointed "You're the only guy I've ever met who vukking rezpects me…. (Hic!) And I was a girl back in my day but I'm not like a bitch up here like I am now, right….RIGHT?!" she inexplicably demanded.

"_What the fuck is she going on about?!..." _thought Shinji, he couldn't comprehend a word of the drunken shit she was speaking so he did the smart thing and decided to go along with everything she said.

"Err….yes?!?"

"You see!...I knew You'd ffffffakking understand!…" yelled Misato opening yet another can. "Oh my god, what the ell am I thinking?…we need music!"

"Oh no, Misato your too drunk to dance, just sit down" pleaded Shinji, but the silly drunken cow was adamant. Misato (totally out of her head) got up from the table and swayed over to her hi-fi; she pressed a random button and crappy high pitched J-pop came flowing out of the speakers like airborne shit, filling the room with its frustrating electro-melody. Misato spun around and started to dance like a hyperactive retard, she was spilling beer all over the furniture and carpet with every clumsy spin and twirl. Shinji shook his head with embarrassment and felt an irresistible urge to laugh as he saw her left tit pop out over the collar of her tank top as she recklessly swung around, but he soon stopped his snickering when Misato came over and grabbed his arm.

"Come on Shinji baby, let's see your moves!"

"Errr Misato I think you've had a little too much to drink, a-a-and I'm just gonna go to bed now ok?"

But Misato wouldn't take no for an answer, she was pretty strong and decided to pull Shinji out of his seat.

"Come on cutie don't be shy!" yelled Misato; forcing his arms around her waist. "Yeah! We're grooving now!"

"NO! Stop Misato please!" wailed Shinji as her arms draped around his shoulders and drew him in close.

"You wanna know something Sh (Hic!) Shinji? If I was a few million yeerz younger, I would hump your sexy little brains out…" whispered Misato with a sleazy grin. Shinji suddenly felt sick, half from fear half from excitement, the intensely arousing thought of Misato's naked body raced though his mind as he felt the smooth skin on the small of her back. But then reality intervened. What the hell could he possibly do with her!? His testicles had barley descended and he could count all his pubes on one hand! At the end of the day, she was an adult and he was still a child and that was that. Tough shit.

Misato's hands slid down his back and she started to feel his skinny ass cheeks.

"Oh wow, it's like a pert little peach!"

Shinji couldn't take anymore; it was just too weird for words. "Please Misato just get off me!" yelled Shinji, shoving her away in a frantic urge to escape her drunken clutches. Immediately, Shinji knew he had pushed waaaaaay too hard as his dance partner dangerously spun out of control; she was so tanked up that she couldn't regain her balance, and ended up accidentally tripping over the coffee table and crashing face first into the floor.

"….oh fuck…"

Shinji feared the worst as he observed her death like stillness, he instantly ran to the kitchen sink and wrung out a wet wash cloth, and quickly raced back to her side.

"Come on Misato don't do this to me, get up!" begged Shinji laying the cloth on her forehead, but it was useless; she was out like a light. This put Shinji in an ass clenchingly awkward position, what was he supposed to do? He couldn't just leave her on the floor all night and he couldn't ring an ambulance, since she wasn't actually injured.

"Ok…ok just calm down. Think." Shinji told himself, but no ideas came. A surreal feeling of loneliness washed over him, I suppose you could describe it as a form of home sickness, except Shinji didn't have a home as such. Nevertheless the thought of being stranded in a strange place was a common fear amongst kids his age, or anyone for that matter.

For a few moments, he considered running back to the train station and leaving Tokyo-3 and Nerv all together, but that wasn't an option…where would he go? Shinji had grown very fond of Misato's bubbly, fun loving personality and although she meant no harm in her drunken state, he felt deeply unsettled by this loud, irrational, uncontrollable side of her.

"…Oh man this is so creepy!" whined Shinji, almost driven to tears as he knelt amongst the garbage, with nothing but the shrill yapping j-pop to comfort him. The poor little guy was well and truly freaked out by it all.

After a few panic stricken minutes of pacing, he decided to sit down at the kitchen table and wait for Misato to wake up. After an hour or so, he eventually realised that this wasn't going to happen; she had drank enough beer to float the titanic, a god damn earthquake couldn't wake her now!

"_Hmmm, I suppose I could go to sleep… but I can't just leave Misato lying on the floor…"_

Then a thought hit him, the sofa. Shinji could rest easy if she was comfortable and finally get some sleep himself, So far the day had been a bit of a disaster and all he wanted to do was to get some shut-eye. Shinji pulled himself together and carefully made his way over to Misato, he grabbed her ankles and tried to drag her towards the sofa, but he was unaware that her bodyweight was pressing down on her top and was causing it to ride up.

"Shit!" hissed Shinji, quickly pulling her top back down over her exposed tits. Suddenly he got another idea. Shinji tried to drag her by her wrists, but this proved to be just as bad if not worse, due to the drag of the carpet causing Misato's denim shorts (And underwear) to travel down her legs!

"Oh come on just a little help Jesus. Please!" prayed Shinji. No such luck. This was a hell of a lot harder then it first looked. Shinji observed her intensely; he tried to think of a way to successfully move her across the room and onto the sofa, with out any of her girly bits falling out. The solution was simple, judging by her height she couldn't weigh much more then 110 pounds, so he decided to try and pick her up.

"Errr…If you can hear me Misato, then I think you should know that I'm going to try and move you onto the couch ok?...ok then, oh and errrrrrr….I'm sorry" after informing Misato about his plan, Shinji got a secure grip around her shoulders and under her legs. "Here we go 3..2..1"

Shinji lifted with all his might and managed to raise her up to his waist. "Christ, she weighs a ton!" heaved Shinji; his face turning red as he struggled to lift her bloated body. It took a mammoth effort being a skinny little anorexic dweeb, but surprisingly he managed to scoop her up in his scrawny arms and stagger over to the sofa. Just as he thought he was home free, Shinji tripped on an empty can and lost his balance, her weight suddenly shifted and he lost his already weak grip; causing Misato to fall to the ground once more "BANG!" And bash her head off the sharp corner of the coffee table in the process! Shinji gasped with terror as she groaned and slightly opened her eyes, he stayed perfectly still for a whole minute, listening to his heart pounding in his temples.

"…………"

She stared directly at him, her gaze vacant of any thought. Luckily for Shinji, her body was awake but her mind was still out to lunch. A few terrifying moments past and she fell back to sleep, with huge relief Shinji wrenched her up again and flung her down on the soft cushions.

"Finally, mission accomplished!" panted Shinji. After covering 'Sleeping beauty' with her red jacket, Shinji found himself staring at her, it only just hit him how truly pretty Misato was. She looked gorgeous lying there, despite her loud snoring and slobbish appearance, she was the type of babe you could dress in a garbage bag and she'd still look a million bucks; a true drunken angel. Most guys at this point would sell their souls to Satan to be in Shinji's position; he could have got away with doing pretty much anything he wanted to her! But alas, he had neither the guts nor the equipment for the job, to put things in perspective, at his previous school his nick name was 'maggot man' so you get the picture…

"This is so crazy…what the hell am I doing in this place?!" sniggered Shinji struck by a bizarre urge to laugh. He stood in the living room doorway, looking at Misato as she slept "Sleep tight, Misato." whispered Shinji, sliding the door shut.

The warming allure of fresh bed sheets was all he could think about after enduring all that stress earlier, little did he know that paled in comparison to what awaited him in the coming months. If he knew that a certain short fused, domineering, red-headed German girl was going to move in with him in the near future, then he probably would have slit his wrists there and then.

After a quick wash and changing into his PJ's, Shinji turned off his bedroom light and slipped into bed. It was very dark and very quiet, only the occasional sounds of a distant car or the roar of a jet flying over head broke the nocturnal serenity.

Something suddenly crossed Shinji's mind, why was a girl as good looking as Misato living alone? Most women her age were married and had families; or at least had boyfriends…..Then again; she was a gun wielding, beer swilling psycho with a creepy pet penguin.

The hours slowly passed, and Shinji still couldn't sleep; He had that sickly sort of Christmas Eve anticipation fluttering in his stomach, he couldn't stop thinking about his job….and naked girls, but mostly his job. What on earth made it so important that people weren't allowed to talk about it? He kept mentally replaying what Misato said over and over again.

"_A military vehicle?..." _

But he failed to think of any type of vehicle he could operate, that an adult couldn't.

So far, nothing in Tokyo-3 seemed to be making any sense…

Three turbulent hours of rest later, Shinji woke up to the morning's cold blue light.

" 9:00am, oh shit." yawned Shinji, dragging himself out of bed. After taking a massive piss and brushing his teeth, he went to see if Misato was up as well.

_Knock knock knock…_"Misato?" asked Shinji, sliding the living room door open slightly. "Hey Misato? Its morning, are you gonna get up?"

"……What the shit…._'cough! cough!'_…..Dude, its too early… go back to bed…." spluttered Misato; instantly falling back to sleep.

"Ok, sorry…" Shinji was returning to his room when suddenly the phone in the hall began to ring, he felt it wasn't his place to answer Misato's phone, so he decided to leave it be. After five rings or so, the answer machine automatically clicked on.

"_Olah amigo! You've reached the machine of the oh so sexy, and ever intelligent Misato Katsuragi… ME! Unfortunately I'm a little tied up right now, but if you leave me a message__ I'll be sure to get back to you…Unless of course you're collecting for some bogus charity, or peddling some sort of bullshit religion, anyway Have a nice day now kay!..."_ BEEEEEP!

A familiar voice sounded from the speaker, it was commander Ikari.

"Captain Katsuragi, where the hell are you!? You were supposed to bring the boy at 9:00am precisely; it is now 9:05am. If I don't hear from you in the next half hour, consider yourself unemployed!"

"Oh no…"

Shinji ran back into the living room and shook Misato fiercely. "Misato wake up, my dads on the phone and he sounds real pissed!" yelled Shinji, prying her crusty eyelids open.

"….Who's taking a piss?..." asked Misato disoriented.

"MY DAD IS ON THE PHONE, HE WANTS TO SPEAK WITH YOU!" yelled Shinji making sure she heard correctly. Suddenly Misato's eyes opened wide, she quickly sat up and checked her wrist watch.

"…Oh shit with sugar! We were suppose to be at work by nine!...Wait a minute, what the hell am I doing on the sofa?... Ahhh Crap! Why does my head hurt?!" asked Misato, pawing at a rather large lump.

"You got drunk and passed out…So I put you on the sofa…." blushed Shinji.

"Oh……Well never mind that now, we've gotta get dressed, quick! I've just got to ring back your dad and then we're off!"

"Yes Ma'am!"

Misato stood to her feet, her muscles were a protest of agony as she staggered into the hall.

"Oww! Aww man I'm never drinking again!" hissed Misato, automatically keying in Gendo's cell number.

"Ikari here…" he answered instantaneously.

"Good morning sir, I just got you're message and I would like to profusely apologise for…."

"No excuses Katsuragi, just listen" interrupted Gendo. "In all my years at Nerv, you are the most irritating, useless, lazy, detestable employee I have ever encountered do you know that?! Who the hell do you think you are eh? Perhaps you think you're exempt from the rules, or maybe you think you're too indispensable for us to tell you what to do, I really don't know or care for that matter. But one thing I do know is if you can't be bothered to get out of bed in the morning, then you are not fit to work for Nerv!" snarled Gendo.

"I'm sorry sir, it won't ever happen again."

"I'm gratified to her you say that, now get you're slovenly ass down here, you've got twenty-five minutes and if you don't show up, your contract with Nerv will be terminated; effective immediately. And just remember, there are plenty more pretty airheads out there who need jobs, SO GET YOU'RE DAMN ACT TOGETHER!"

"Yes sir…" muttered Misato, slamming the receiver down.

Friendly chap ain't he?

Shinji get your ass in gear we've got to go now!" snarled Misato, squeezing her boots on. She was still feeling rough from her all night drinking session, and getting chewed out by 'Commander Dick hole' had put her in a fowl mood. There was no time for breakfast so after a quick change of clothes, Misato and Shinji raced downstairs to the parking lot, Commander Ikari was all ready super mega pissed off and there wasn't a second to lose. Knowing Misato's luck, that bureaucratic ass-wipe would be using a stopwatch.

"Quick get in!" commanded Misato, sliding over the hood of her car and entering the driving seat, Shinji got in the passenger seat; panting for breath as he fastened his seat belt.

"Hold on to your hat, we're really going to have to floor it if we're ever gonna get there on time!" yelled Misato turning the key, but nothing happened. The car was dead. "WHAT! Oh for god's sake not now!" she turned the key a second time but still, nothing happened.

"Shit! It must be the battery, wait here a minute…" said Misato leaving the drivers seat and circling around the front of the car, she was about to pop the hood and check out the engine, but suddenly she froze to the spot staring with utter disbelief at a bullet hole right in the middle of the hood.

"…….NO…….. FUCKING……. WAAAAAAAAAAY!!!"

Shinji curiously observed Misato through the windshield as she screamed and swore and attacked the car with her bare hands in a frantic show of rage. Cautiously he opened his door and circled around the front of the car, making sure he kept a safe distance from Misato.

"Err Miss Katsuragi, excuse me for asking but…What the hell is going on?..." Shinji asked curiously.

"I don't believe it, I JUST DON'T FFFFFFRIGGIN BELIVE IT!! You know when I gave you my gun yesterday and it went off by accident? Well guess where the bullet ended up!?" ranted Misato.

"…Your kidding right, not the engine?" squeaked Shinji.

"Abso-fucking-lutely correct!"

"….Well maybe we can call a mechanic, or AAA or something?" suggested Shinji.

"Nah man, it's not that simple. I've only got twenty minutes to get you there or else your dad will fire me, so by the time the damn thing's fixed I'll be out of a job." sulked Misato.

"I don't understand, why twenty minutes?" asked Shinji.

"Long story short your dads an asshole and loves to see me suffer, that's why! Now come on! We can still make it if I commandeer a civilian vehicle!" snarled Misato, sprinting towards the exit.

"You mean steal one?!" asked Shinji, following closely behind.

"Oh for Christ's sake tomayto, tomato!"

**Authors note**: Hi, so far this fic has been focused on Misato and Shinji's blossoming relationship, so if it seems a bit lengthy at times be assured it is only because I plan on writing this fic with as much depth and accuracy as possible. But don't be despondent, in the next chapter some familiar faces will be introduced and also the first angel attacks, so please keep reading, this is still only the beginning. If you get bored in between chapters then please feel free to read some of my other fics! And for those of you, who e-mailed me about Asuka, sit tight! Miss Soryu will be making her debut very soon, and then the real fun begins:


	5. The Veil Is Lifted

Eva 5

**The veil is lifted**

Hi, sorry this chapter has been a long time coming but my life is extraordinarily busy right now :) Anyway, there's been a change of plan, the angels shall not be attacking earth yet, otherwise the chapter would be like a million pages long, but don't worry they will soon. Enjoy!

"_9:29am come on Misato where the hell are you…I can just see her now, slobbing around that filthy apartment in her underwear, stupid lazy scatter brains bitch" _thought Dr Ritsuko Akagi as she impatiently paced the pavement outside Nerv central's main entrance with her trade mark cig hanging out of her trap. She was the head scientist at Nerv and an all around miss know it all, not to mention a chain smoker. It's funny really, you would have thought that someone who possessed a PhD in human biology would realise the dangers of such a hazardous habit? It's almost ironic when you think about it, but not quite.

Misato and Ritsuko went way back, they had been best pals since their college days; she had been there for Misato through some tough times and vice versa. They were such good friends they decided to work for the same company, and even ended up living in the same neighbourhood. Over the years they had become quite inseparable... but they weren't Lesbo's or anything!

It was Dr Akagi's task to explain Shinji's purpose in Tokyo-3. She was picked for the task primarily because of her sex. When it comes down to handling kids, women are the natural choice, plus she was the only woman in the whole city that was smart enough to fully understand the harrowing situation mankind was in, the only other candidate was Misato (Bless her heart) and let's face it, Shinji could probably get more sense out of an inebriated retard. Explaining Nerv central's true purpose to a kid was gonna be tricky, most adults couldn't get with the programme, let alone a depressed little geek with daddy issues. When it came to the angels, people cant handle the truth, and that was precisely why Nerv's purpose was unknown to the vast majority of the locals. Granted, a lot of them worked there but most of them had shitty menial jobs like office clerks or toilet cleaners, and therefore didn't know about the Angels, but those who did know were sworn to secrecy under penalty of a lengthy prison sentence and even the possibility of unfortunate 'accidents' befalling there loved ones... scary huh?

"_I wonder if the kid can handle all this …_" thought Ritsuko admiring the fingernails on her spare hand. "Well if he endured a night with Misato then he must be tough!" she thought out loud with a snigger. She was about to give up waiting, when suddenly a motorbike screeched around the street corner and skidded to a halt in front of her. It was Misato with a terrified boy clinging to her waste.

"What's the time!? What's the time!?" demanded Misato her eyes red and watering.

"9.29am…looks like you made it" smirked Ritsuko, taking a drag.

"YEAH! WOOOOOOOO! I totally made it! I can't wait to see Commander Butt wipe when he finds out!"

"I'm sure he'll be over the moon" mused Ritsuko "And this must be Shinji Ikari?"

"It sure is, he's a little shy but he's lovely boy when you get to know him, say hello Shinji…Shinji? You ok bud?!" asked Misato looking over her shoulder. Suddenly the petrified boy came to his senses. "…GET ME OFF THIS THING!" yelled Shinji as he staggered from the bike saddle to the safety of the pavement.

"Jesus! Misato, look at the poor kid he's shaking…what the hell did you do?!" asked Ritsuko, observing him as he bent over at the waste gasping for breath.

"I ain't done anything!" pouted Misato, disembarking the bike with a swing of her lovely long leg.

"Haven't done anything?! Just now she stole this bike at gun point from a 300lb leather clad psycho, I'm not kidding she actually pistol whipped him to the ground!

Then she recklessly tore through the city centre at like a thousand miles per hour, almost running down several dozen pedestrians!" explained Shinji, running out of breath. "I thought I was gonna fly off and die, so don't say you haven't done anything!"

"Ahhh you loved it really, a bit of adrenaline never hurt no one! And besides, the important thing is we got here on time!" smiled Misato, fixing her windswept hair. "Brrrrrrrr my legs have gone all goosepimply, man I'm telling ya don't ever ride one of these things if you've got bare legs, its freezing!"

Ritsuko looked at her wristwatch and sighed with slight annoyance "…Well thanks for that useless bit of advice Misato I'll make a mental note of it, but if its ok with you, that is if you haven't got anymore pointless crap to tell us; then maybe we can start Shinjis' induction sometime this century?!"

"Yeah whatever Ritsuko, I'm way too stoked to get pissed off by you're bitchy digs!" smiled Misato, almost forgetting she had a hangover.

"I'm sorry Shinji I almost forgot to introduce myself, my name is Dr Ritsuko Akagi I'm head scientist here at Nerv."

"Nice to meet you sir I mean ma'am" replied Shinji, accepting her handshake after wiping the sweat from his palm onto his trousers.

"Well let's get started shall we?" Ritsuko handed Shinji a large brown envelope "This is for you, keep it safe it's got your ID and your access cards and all your important paperwork inside"

"…Cool" said Shinji, admiring the shiny holographic symbol on his ID card.

"Right then lets get going, we've got a lot of stuff to do." said Risuko taking one large final puff of her cig then stubbing it out against the wall. She swiped her access card through a keypad next to the heavy blacked out glass doors, it beeped loudly confirming the cards authenticity and the large doors slowly swung inwards. Ritsuko swiftly stepped inside followed by Shinji. "Hey Misato get your fat ass in here!"

"JUST A MINUTE!!" screamed Misato in utter frustration; she was busy inspecting her face in one of the motorcycles' wing mirrors.

"What the hell are you doing?!" asked Ritsuko, growing impatient.

"I'm making sure I don't look too ragged out, you know; just in case Commander Ikari see's me."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want him to think I bust my ass getting here that's why"

"Well unfortunately we don't have several ice ages of spare time and a hundred of the worlds greatest plastic surgeons handy, so if you don't mind HURRY IT UP!" commanded Ritsuko.

"I'm gonna smack you one if ya don't shut up!" yelled Misato.

After stepping inside, Shinji found himself inside a dull looking lobby dimly lit by the artificial fluorescent tubing lining the corners of the ceiling. Like most of Nerv's installations, this one was crawling with armed security guards and CCTV cameras. Ritsuko and Misato led Shinji through the slalom of metal detectors, steel reinforced blast doors and baggage inspection points with relative quickness.

"_This place makes area-51 look like a kindergarten!_" thought Shinji.

The trio followed a long lonely corridor that had empty offices and vacant conference rooms on either side and eventually came to a concrete stairwell that went down, Shinji and his lady friends followed it down to (Yes you've guessed it) another elevator.

"I am so sick of elevators…" droned Shinji, so far it seemed as if he spent most of his time in Tokyo-3 in bloody elevators!

As they got in, Misato read a warning sticker below the panel of buttons. "Max load 3000lbs… Guess that means you won't be getting on with us huh Ritsuko!"

Shinji had observed the digs and jibes the two women had exchanged in the past ten minutes or so and wondered why they were so bitchy to each other.

"Ha, this coming from a woman who is soooooooooo damn fat that she has to abuse her company's expense claiming privileges on fast food!" smirked Ritsuko, who usually got the upper hand in their little arguments.

"Shhhh keep your voice down, this elevator might be bugged!" hissed Misato as she looked around the small interior, searching for hidden microphones.

"HEY SHINJI, DID YOU KNOW MISATO STEALS HAND WASH FROM THE DISPENSERS IN THE LADIES REST ROOM BEACAUSE SHES TOO CHEAP TO BUY IT HERSELF!?" yelled Ritsuko, in an overly loud voice.

"Ok ok I give, I'm sorry and I take back what I said, just shut the hell up!" barked Misato, looking slightly ashamed. Shinji found the silly argument quite amusing and was happy to just sit back and watch the duelling women; the levity was quite welcome considering how tense he was.

After an abnormally long decent, the Elevator bell pinged and the doors opened, revealing what can only be described as a high-tech train station. Shinji watched a few technicians and what he assumed to be scientists going about their business; he also saw that every doorway was flanked by heavily armed guards, metal detectors and a multitude of other space age security equipment. What ever shit was going on down here was extremely heavy!

"…What is this place, a subway?" asked Shinji quite confused.

"This is terminal 005, one of the many gateways to the Geofront, deep below the city." explained Ritsuko as she swiftly walked along the platform. "You are now one of a handful of people to see this place; obviously I don't have to tell you that whatever you see past this point must be kept under your hat."

"Where does the track go?" asked Shinji gesturing to the singular steel rail that disappeared into a pitch black tunnel.

"I told you, The Geofront. Try to pay attention." Ritsuko said firmly. Shinji wanted to ask what exactly the Geofront was, but he didn't want to look like a clueless fuckwit in front of Ritsuko, so he asked Misato instead.

"Hey Misato?"

"What?"

"What's a Geofront?"

"It's basically an underground bunker for the people of Tokyo-3, but we're going to the secret cool part that no one knows about."

Ritsuko suddenly butted in. "I'm just gonna sign us in, I won't be too long….Oh and Shinji?"

"Err yeah?"

"Make sure Misato doesn't get drunk while I'm gone, you only have to take your eyes off her for a sec and she'll get pissed to kingdom come." smirked Ritsuko.

"Blow me, ok Ritsuko? Blow me…" said Misato as she casually raised her middle finger.

Shinji watched as the dish water blonde walked over to a distant kiosk and began signing various forms and tackling the miles of red tape that every visitor had to endure to gain entry to the Geofront, even though she joked with Misato and appeared to be laid back about her job, deep down she was a consummate professional. Misato and Shinji sat down on one of the benches that lined the train platform and had a nice chat to pass the time.

"So how long have you two been work buddies?"

"Oh gosh, let me think errrr…almost ten years give or take, but I've known her since we went to college." answered Misato rubbing her tired eyes. The night of drinking and partying was taking its toll.

"She must have done well at school to become a head scientist?" wondered Shinji.

"No kidding…" yawned Misato "On every single exam she took she got a 100 mark, she's never wrong about anything ever, she's like a robot; it's quite scary actually. Yep, no doubt about it the woman is a damn prodigy, in fact she's probably one of the smartest people on earth, if not the smartest."

"…Whoa" gorked Shinji.

"Speaking of which, you should see her office she has enough certificates and diplomas to decorate the Sistine chapel, inside and out; and still have enough left to fill the T.P. receptacles in the ladies' john twice over! And she's not shy to brag about them either, the big headed cow."

"Has she got any kids?"

"Nah man, but she's got a shit load of cats." Yawned Misato "Anyway, I medically need some coffee to wake me up or else I'm gonna nod off…you want anything or are you cool?"

"Yeah man I'm cool…A-At least I think I am…Maybe?" managed Shinji, trying to play into her retro nineties slang. She reached out and ruffled his hair with a giggle.

"Awwww I still can't get over how sweet you are!" said Misato as she got up and went over to a vending machine in a corner of the terminal. Shinji sat on the bench alone with his thoughts. "_Well done Shinji, Smooth as fucking sandpaper_!_" _

After two coffees and a few minutes of pointless banter with Misato, the train arrived; its electric motor could hardly be heard as it silently glided over the track and pulled into the terminal with a cool rush of air.

"Ah at last, RITSUKO!?...RITSUKO?!" called Misato, her screechy irritating voice echoing around the room, disturbing some of the other patrons.

"Yes yes I'm coming!?" growled the annoyed scientist as she briskly made her way back to the platform. "What the hell do you want now?!"

"I don't want anything!" snarled Misato "I was just trying to tell you the trains' here"

Ritsuko sarcastically looked at the train then back at Misato "Oh really?! And here's me thinking it was a flying giraffe called Dave!"

"Oh ha ha ha! You're so hilarious, you wanna know something, if I didn't have a hangover I would totally waste you!" spat Misato.

Ritsuko sniggered slightly and turned to Shinji "So you ready to see the Geofront, kid?"

"Yes ma'am" replied Shinji.

"I think you'll be impressed, anyway, hop on and take a seat …You too Misato, we don't want you aimlessly wandering around while the train is in motion, you might hurt yourself." said Ritsuko, very condescendingly.

"And that's another thing Ritsuko; stop telling me what to do all the time! You're not my superior officer." warned Misato as the group boarded the train. "I'm perfectly capable of getting on the damn thing with out you're snidey sarcastic advice!"

"Oh is that so!? Well I don't think you are…"

"Really and whys that pray tell!?"

"Because you dopey bimbo, if you sat down like I said, you wouldn't have got you're hair stuck in the door!" smiled Ritsuko.

"Huh…" Misato turned her head sharply and felt searing pain engulf her scalp, obviously she had been to busy arguing to notice that the door abruptly shut behind her, trapping her long purple locks.

"FUCKING HELLFIRE!" roared Misato, enraged that she had unintentionally proved Ritsuko right. "Ow…..Jesus OWWWW! ITS PULLING MY HAIR OUT!"

Shinji laughed as Misato tugged and pulled at her hair, but to no avail, she was going to have to stay like that the entire trip with her head stuck in the fucking door! The whole scary impression of Nerv being some super secret government agency run by boring hard-faced assholes, was slowly being erased from Shinji's mind. Everyone who worked there seemed to be a damn good laugh, working for Nerv was surely going to be a blast…

_Elsewhere…_

Gendo winced as he slowly sunk into his chair, the pain in his nuts wasn't as bad as the previous day but they still hurt like hell, the slightest movement sent thunderbolts of sheer agony rocketing through his lower body. All day he had been putting on an act to try and hide his pain from the staff, if they found out what Shinji did he would look like a complete and total wand.

"So Fuyutski, did that woman make it here on time with my son?" Gendo enquired.

"Yes sir they did"

"Good, go and inform Captain Katsuragi personally that I want to talk with Shinji as soon as Dr Akagi has finished with him. We need to clear the air between us, once and for all."

"May I suggest that you remain seated this time sir? Just to prevent any further crotch related injuries…"

Gendo smiled and shook his head in thought. "I still can't believe he did that to me, I always thought he was a quiet lad…"

"It's the quiet ones you should beware of sir"

"Indeed…Anyway, toss me those tablets over there on you're way out, I can't work in this state; I'm in total agony." asked Gendo motioning at a bookshelf. Fuyutski grabbed the plastic jar of pain killers and casually threw them toward Gendo, unfortunately the pills slipped through his gloved hands and landed on his lap with a loud rattle.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHH!! HOLY FUCKING MARY!!" hissed Gendo, once again clutching his throbbing groin. Needless to say Fuyutski was out of that office quicker then Speedy Gonzales on acid.

_Meanwhile…_

The train rushed out of the pitch black tunnel at high speed, instantaneously revealing the Geofront in all its high-tech splendour. The windows from the train offered a stunning panoramic view of the multi-billion dollar facility as the train followed its track which spiralled down along the rock wall of the massive spherical cavern. Shinji couldn't believe what he was seeing; it was like something out of a sci-fi geek's wet dream.

"Wow! What's that Misato?!" gasped Shinji, pointing at a colossal black pyramid structure that was overlooking an artificial lake.

"I'd like to answer you Shinji, but in case you've forgotten I'm still stuck in this pissing door. Damn thing!"

"Oh right, sorry. Could you tell me Ritsuko?"

"That is Nerv central, the Nerve centre of Nerv, no pun intended."

"Cool, what's that building…oh and that one….and that weird looking thing over there!"

"Jeez calm down kid, you'll get a tour of the whole place so just chill." chuckled Ritsuko.

After pulling into the terminal the doors opened, releasing Misato's trapped hair.

"You great big stinking piece of shit!" she cursed the train. "I have a good mind to sue Nerv for compensation, imagine if that was my arm or foot that got crushed in the door? I'd be off work for weeks!"

"Ha I wish! I could use the peace and quiet." smiled Ritsuko striding on to the deserted platform.

"SHUT YOUR TRAP!!" roared Misato, sick of all the bitchy jokes.

"Ok ok keep your hair on!" laughed Ritsuko, amused by her own impeccably delivered quip. "Ha 'keep you're hair on' you walked right in to that one!"

That was the last straw.

"YOU THINK THAT WAS FUNNY HUH?! WELL BITCH, YOU CAN GO AND EAT SHIT IN HELL!!"

"What on earth is going on here!" boomed Fuyutski. Misato jumped out of her skin and let out a high pitch squeal at the sudden sound of the familiar voice. She quickly turned around to face the stern Commander with her heart pounding like a jack hammer; she just about managed to regain her composure and feebly tried to explain what was going on.

"Well you see sir…we we we….we were just joking around"

"I don't care if you were just joking around, that type of language is completely intolerable, and what's even more deplorable is the fact that it came from the mouth of young lady! I'm warning you Captain, don't ever let me catch you using that foul language again or you shall be suspended without pay, UNDERSTOOD!?"

Misato stood there in silent rage, she felt like a naughty school girl being chewed out by the principle. "…Kay, sorry sir"

Fuyutski switched his gaze to Shinji.

"Shinji Ikari…"

"Yes sir?"

"I am Deputy Commander Kozo Fuyutski; after you're father I am second in command here at Nerv."

"…oh, Hi"

"You don't know this but we've met before" said Fuyutski with a smirk.

"We have?"

"Yes, but that was thirteen years ago when you were a baby, I used to teach your mother at Kyoto university, I remember her quite well, she was a lovely well mannered girl unlike some!" said Fuyutski, directing the latter at Misato.

"You knew her huh?" droned Shinji, looking a bit uncomfortable at the mention of his mom.

"Yes very well" replied Fuyutski in an almost perverted tone. "She was my star pupil and assistant for many years, I still give the occasional lecture at the old University but this is my chief occupation these days."

"…Right, whatever" growled Shinji growing annoyed.

"Anyway, your father wants to see you as soon as Dr Akagi has finished with you" He immediately saw the fear in Shinji's eyes. "Don't worry son, he's not going to be angry, he just wants to discuss a few unresolved issues, that's all."

"Why can't he talk to me now?" asked Shinji, totally pissed off with this pervy, old grey haired bastard delving into his family's business.

"Because it is essential that you hear what Dr Akagi has to say first, or you will not understand what he wants to tell you." explained Fuyutski. "Well that's all the time I can spare I'm afraid, I have an appointment to get to so I shall bid you farewell. Good day ladies, Shinji." said the old man as he turned his back and left the terminal. As soon as the grey haired old codger was out of sight Misato angrily turned to Ritsuko.

"Well done Ritsuko you made me look like a right jackass!"

Ritsuko just rolled her eyes with amusement. "I'm sorry Misato; I didn't mean to piss you off ok?"

Misato snorted and furrowed her eyes with annoyance "Yeah you better be…"

"What the hell was he going on about?" Shinji said out loud.

"Follow me and find out…" replied Ritsuko.

The trio rode the automated walkways and staircases, passing many technicians and other various staff until they came to the foot of the pyramid (Nerv central) Shinji flinched as he noticed two large observation towers that over looked the entrance with teams of snipers watching every move they made...More accurately, every move Misato's ass made. She waved up to them and got a few wolf whistles. "You ok Shinji?" asked Misato, making sure he was ok. Shinji nodded and managed to pull a smile.

"Don't worry about those guys, they're not tough, they just think they are because they wear sunglasses indoors. Stupid losers."

Upon entering the strange structure, Shinji and the gang was confronted by an entire squad of armed personnel complete with guard dogs and automatic weapons. Nerv had to be the most heavily guarded place on earth. Ritsuko had a quiet chat with the guards and the group moved on with out hassle. After a few minutes of following some rather bland looking corridors, Ritsuko halted them outside a single door.

"Here we are my office at last." She announced. "Now before we go in I have a few ground rules, don't touch anything without permission and no food or drink, I just got the place re-carpeted."

While Ritsuko was digging through her pockets, looking for her key, a group of three people began to approach Shinji and co. They were joking loudly and discussing various TV shows as they sipped their coffee.

"Who are these guys Misato?" asked Shinji.

"Who? Oh them, they're some of your new co-workers. The girl who looks like she's suffering with anorexia is Maya Ibuki; she's Ritsuko's number one fan, what a saddo huh?"

"I heard that" said Ritsuko slightly annoyed.

"That stupid greasy lank haired prick that looks like Jon bon jovi is Shigeru Aoba, he likes guitars and all that heavy metal type of stuff, and that geeky looking nerd with the glasses and the spiky brown hair is Makoto Hyuga, ever since he started work here he's had a crush on me, and its only got worse since Ritsuko sent him a prank email from my pc, saying that I wanted to bounce up and down on his…ahem, well you get the idea."

"Oh yeah I remember that" sniggered Ritsuko, still looking for her keys "That was a doozy of a prank!"

"Yeah hilarious…NOT!" Misato noticed Hyuga was looking in her direction and quickly diverted her gaze to the ceiling with a fake yawn and a stretch "…oh for cry'in out loud I just made eye contact, just pretend you didn't see him!" she said under her breath.

"Hey Misato, you're looking fantastic today!" beamed Hyuga, trying not to drool.

"_Oh for fuck's sake_…Eh, heh heh thanks Hyuga…" said Misato turning to face him.

"Say Misato, how's about me and you eat lunch together, don't worry I'll pay for everything!?" begged Hyuga.

"Oh well I'd love to man, love to! But I'm totally swamped with work so maybe some other time…" said Misato smiling sweetly. Ritsuko who had been listening decided to have a little fun.

"No it's ok Misato, you have the rest of the afternoon off after we're done with Shinji remember?" said Ritsuko, who knew for a damn fact Misato was purposely trying to blow him off.

"…Errrrr no actually Ritsuko, that's next week if you remember correctly!" sneered Misato winking at her furiously.

"No it's today I'm positive, and don't worry about Shinji, I could show him around while you two grab some lunch" said Ritsuko, smiling at Shinji who was convulsing with hidden laughter.

"No no Ritsuko, I wouldn't hear of it, he is my responsibility after all!" said Misato with an agitated chuckle.

"Nonsense! It's no trouble at all!"

"…_fuck off Ritsuko!"_ Misato quietly spat through her false smile.

"Awsome!! I'll meet around about one o' clock!" said Hyuga, delighted that he was finally going to get the chance to spend some time with his main squeeze. "You wont regret this I promise!"

"_Oh you stupid dweeb!" _thought Misato with a huge sigh. "Ok then Hyuga, see you at one…Oh gosh look at the time errrr….we must be going now kay, bye bye now!" beamed Misato, she could tell the fucking geek was fishing for a kiss so she quickly ushered Shinji and Ritsuko into the office before the ugly bastard got a chance. As soon as the door closed her smile turned into a scowl.

"One night when you are sleeping, I will break into your apartment and do terrible things to you Ritsuko…" warned Misato, her voice a deadly hiss.

"Oh come on, you like him really…"

"Believe it or not, but the smell of cheap hair gel and endless discussions about computer parts doesn't exactly turn me on."

"…You are sooooo lying! I can just see you two now, smooching up in his bedroom while his mommy brings you lemonade and sandwiches!" teased Ritsuko. Misato was boiling with murderous rage.

"I'm warning you Ritsuko, I've got a gun, so pack it in or else!"

Like most so called best friends, Ritsuko decided to push further despite clearly being warned not to. "I'll tell you what, play you're cards right this afternoon Misato and with a bit of luck, he may just upload his files into you're hard drive with his 3 inch floppy…get my drift?!"

"ENOUGH!!" screamed Misato, pounding the desk "He's a sweaty little dork and I can't stand him, now shut the hell up!"

Shinji had tears of laughter rolling down his cheeks; secretly he was happy to see Misato getting a taste of her own medicine after she mercilessly embarrassed him in front of Rei.

"He's such a fag, I wish he'd stop pestering me, I'm soooooo not interested!"

"Why not, he seems like a nice guy to me?..." said Shinji, wiping his eyes.

"…You're kidding right?! He looks like the type of guy that sits naked in front of his laptop for hours on end, jerking off over badly drawn cartoon porn…Plus he's in his mid twenties and he's still living with his parents Ewwwww! One of these days I'm just gonna smack those glasses clean off his stupid four-eyed face and tell him to piss off, maybe then he'll get the damn message?!"

"Ok ok you two calm down now, that's enough horsing around for one day" interrupted Ritsuko. "Its time to be quite and talk like grown ups. Feel free to take a seat you guys; I just have to get something"

Misato and Shinji sat next to each other while Ritsuko quickly went over to a filing cabinet and rummaged through one of the drawers. Shinji stared with astonishment at the disgustingly large mound of cigarette butts in an ashtray sitting on the desk, the woman most likely had a hole in the ozone named after her.

"I'm assuming that so far you've been kept in the dark as to why you are here, yes?" asked Ritsuko as she sat down in her leather swivel chair.

"Pretty much, oh wait, Misato did tell me I'd be driving some sort of military vehicle?"

"Did she now? Well Before I tell you what you will really be doing, you must understand that what I'm about to tell you is quite distressing, it will most likely change your life for ever, maybe for the worse…So I will ask you this question for the first and final time. Are you absolutely sure you want to know what Nerv's purpose is?" Ritsuko's jokey demeanour vanished in an instant and was replaced with a look of total seriousness. Shinji was plagued by curiosity, plus he didn't come all this way for nothing!

"I'm sure…"

Ritsuko smiled and opened the envelope she fetched from the filing cabinet.

"So be it. The 'vehicle' as Misato put it, isn't a vehicle at all Shinji. I could describe precisely what it is to you, but that would take far too long and also I doubt you would understand."

Shinji looked slightly offended. "I'm not dumb you know…"

"Please don't take offence, it's not that I think you're dumb, I know you're bright but this is simply beyond you. So a picture could probably tell you much more clearly then Me." explained Ritsuko; laying a few photographs on the table "….It is known as Evangelion; or Eva for short."

Shinji observed the first picture and felt the hairs rise on the back of his neck; it depicted a terrifyingly huge, yet grotesquely slender being wearing jagged, brightly coloured armour with a large cable emanating from its spine.

"What the hell…" suddenly a smile slowly broke out across Shinji's face. "AHHHHHhhhhh! I get it, nice one Misato but you can't trick me! This is some sort of shit for brains joke you play on the new guys!" smirked Shinji.

Misato just shook her head, slowly. "I'm afraid this as real as it gets"

Shinji's smile slowly melted away, he half expected her to erupt into laughter and yell "Syke!" or make some sort of jokey remark but she just sat there, motionless. Suddenly, like a bolt of lightening, Shinji remembered the statues he saw in the fountain at Nerv's administrative HQ, they were identical to the monster in the photograph.

"…Y-You're serious??"

"Like a heart attack" answered Misato.

"I…I d-don't understand…what is it for?" asked Shinji, his voice nothing more then a dry whisper. Judging from the size of the rifle the strange machine was wielding, its purpose was obvious…killing. It was death incarnate.

"……I think you know what it's for Shinji." Misato said firmly.

In a blink of an eye all the fun and games had vanished, Shinji was faced with a surrealistic terror the likes of which he had never seen. Suddenly, like a frightened animal Shinji jumped out of his chair, knocking it to the ground in a frantic panic.

"No way, No fucking way man! You promised me I wouldn't have to kill anyone Misato!"

"Ok just calm down, try to breath!" instructed Misato. "It's not designed for killing humans, I can promise you that!" she explained. Shinji looked desperately confused, what other possible use could it have, making cookies!?

"THEN WHAT THE HELL IS IT FOR! That thing could scare the shit out of Godzilla!" Shinji yelled hysterically.

"In all Actuality, that isn't too far from the truth" mused Misato, but quite obviously this wasn't the time for jokes so she didn't even try to be funny. "Look just try and take it easy, If you calm down I'll tell you what it's for, but I can't explain anything while you're acting hysterical!!" said Misato, trying to calm him.

Once again, His frightened eyes glanced down at the photos. "….Nah! In fact I don't wanna know what it's for, just forget everything! ….I'm out of here!" despaired Shinji as he bolted for the door.

"Whoa whoa whoa! Just wait a minute Shinji, PLEASE!" yelled Misato wrapping her arms around his waist. He tried to struggle free but his skinny arms were no match for her womanly strength.

"No one is gonna force you to do anything Shinji, all we want you to do is hear us out before you make any decisions ok?" pleaded Misato.

"…Yeah?! And what if I don't like what I hear, can I still leave?" asked Shinji, his voice quavering.

"Of course, you don't have to do anything you don't want to"

Shinji regained his composure and reluctantly sat back down; he ran his trembling hands through his hair and exhaled in apprehension. He felt so messed up; just looking at a photo of that fucking thing shocked the shit out of him. It was one of those infamous moments in life that upsets you so much it ends up getting permanently burned into you're memory…like accidentally seeing you're dad naked…or catching you're Nan taking a piss in a bucket.

"Ok, no more secrets, no more jokes and no more screwing around. Just tell me what the hell is going on…" demanded Shinji.

It was time to spill the beans…


	6. Questions

Questions

**Questions**

The office seemed darker then when Shinji first entered, the fact that he would have to operate a thing that looked like Optimus primes' demented granny, combined with the passively ingested nicotine from the thick blue cigarette smoke, made his over stressed brain feel like it was going to explode. He felt really sick, like he just gulped down a couple of litres of Mexican tap water. Joining Nerv was by far the biggest pile of dog shit he ever stumbled into…

"Well….Tell me what's going on!" demanded Shinji, sick to his back teeth with all the needless bureaucracy.

"There's no need for hostility, I'll gladly tell you what's going on, but in order to understand I need to give you a little history lesson first." said Ritsuko.

Shinji rolled his eyes and sighed in total exasperation. "Please, I can't take any more of this stupid FBI classified baloney!"

"Don't worry it wont take long and besides it's mandatory, so try to relax." Ritsuko sipped her coffee and cleared her throat in preparation for the long ass lecture. "The Eva's are basically a high tech suit of armour, they were originally designed for construction purposes but they were adapted for military use."

"Oh yeah, and who cooked that idea up huh?" interrupted Shinji.

"It was your father Shinji."

"Oh you do surprise me!" spat Shinji.

"Heh, he probably watched Transformers too much as a kid!" laughed Misato, nudging Shinji with her elbow. Ritsuko looked at her with utter contempt and continued to explain. "Possibly, but the idea of a mechanised suit goes way back, it's what you're dad based his invention on. The Eva's were designed on the concept that a war could be fought by one person, thus keeping human casualties and resources at an absolute minimum, just imagine, an entire war fought by one person alone. It would have been in use much earlier, but the military are far too conservative with their methods, so the Eva's were put on hold. That is until second impact occurred. As you know various wars broke out around the world during the aftermath and since the American military controls our nuclear capability, Japan needed an effective deterrent against any foreign or domestic hostility. The government saw the potential of you're father's idea and immediately authorised the funding for project Genesis."

"Project Genesis? What the hell does that mean?" moaned Shinji.

"It's a codename for the building and incorporation of the Evangelion's into the military, I mean come on man you've seen the pics, who in their right mind is gonna tangle with us when we've got toys like that on our side!?" laughed Misato.

"Who indeed, but that's not the sole reason they were made; national security is only one of the Eva's purposes." added Ritsuko.

"…I'm probably gonna regret asking this but what is their main reason for existing?" moaned Shinji, resting his head in his hands.

"Well, several months after second impact when the dust had settled, investigations as to why it occurred were conducted by most of the first world governments"

"What? But everyone knows how it happened, it was a meteor" said Shinji, very conclusively.

"You're wrong, that was a cover story…"

Shinji looked slightly baffled. "Was it global warming?.."

"No. It was caused by a creature known as an Angel." answered Ritsuko.

"An Angel? As in playing a harp with a pair of wings and a halo…That type of Angel?"

"………Funnily Shinji, No" chuckled the smirking scientist, she was tempted to yes just to see his reaction but decided not to fuck around. She reached into the envelope and removed another photograph showing the beast in question; it looked like something out of Satan's worst nightmare, except much worse. "Angel, as in colossal genocidal being of mass destruction."

Once again Shinji looked at the picture and shuddered with total fear "What the hell?! Are you saying that there was a huge monster at the South Pole bent on destroying mankind?" asked Shinji quite sceptical.

"I don't know if I'd put it quite as crudely as that, but basically yes, that is what I'm saying. Misato can personally vouch for that, after all she was there when it happened…"

Shinji looked at Misato with disbelief.

"It's true Shinji, I was there" she confirmed.

"What the heck were you doing in Antarctica?!" enquired Shinji.

"Well you see, my dad was a Geological Scientist and I spent most of my childhood being dragged around the world with him."

"Oh yeah I remember you saying he used to go on expeditions and stuff…" Shinji recalled.

"Yeah well, during an expedition to the South Pole, my dad and his team stumbled upon…an anomaly." explained Misato.

"You mean the angel?" guessed Shinji.

"Yep, he even named it, for some damn reason he called it Adam?!

"Adam??" echoed Shinji, quite baffled.

"I dunno, maybe he was a closet homo or something, anyway, long story short my dad and his cronies couldn't leave it be and the bastard thing exploded, it was a perfect example of curiosity killed the cat."

"God, how did you escape?" asked Shinji.

"Well my memory is a bit hazy because during the explosion I was injured by a flying icicle, there was ice and rock flying everywhere like shrapnel, unfortunately I got hit and man did it hurt. It felt like someone shot me in the chest with a crossbow, I remember pulling it out and losing a hell of a lot of blood…check it out." smiled Misato, pulling down her collar to reveal a huge scar sitting between the silky cups of her bra. "Heh heh, a little more to the right and I'd be one melon short of a rack."

"Oh god!..." winced Shinji turning red. In a way the scar suited her, something about the way her white crucifix rested on top of the tarnished skin made him go crazy…He'd most likely store the image in his head and whack off over it later.

"Ok ok put them away…" moaned Ritsuko "Nobody wants to see your nasty goods!"

"Hey shut up Grandma, at least I got a pair!" barked Misato, letting the elastic of her collar spring back over her jugs. "Anyway, I remember my dad putting me in some sort of floating capsule thingy and shutting the lid, then I must have blacked out. When I woke up I was totally freaked out, everything was pitch black, I honestly thought I had died and somehow come back to life in my coffin, but I suddenly realized that I wasn't buried because I was being tossed around and could hear the rush of water. I remember levering open the door with my knees and was totally shocked to find I was adrift in the middle of the ocean! About a day and a half later I was practically dead from frostbite and blood loss, but luckily a U.S Navy destroyer found me and picked me up." recalled Misato. Shinji looked at her with a puzzled expression, she seemed to put an inappropriate comedic spin on everything, even death; surely that wasn't healthy. But then again, people cope with trauma in their own way, laughing just happened to be hers.

Shinji remained silent for a whole half minute, trying to fathom this incomprehensible shit that had just been shovelled on him. "_Is this a joke?"_ He kept mentally asking himself, but what was more unbelievable? Skyscraper sized monsters, or a massively complex practical joke, instigated by the government to make an innocent schoolboy think he was the last hope for human kind? Tough decision huh? It's like deciding which would be more believable out of Santa Claus or the fucking Easter bunny!

"I'm sorry guys; I just can not believe this is real"

"Yeah? Well it's real regardless" Ritsuko said blandly.

"….So why do you need me, I can't do anything I'm just a stupid useless kid!" barked Shinji.

"For god's sake Shinji!" yelled Misato. "You are not useless, in fact you are one of the most significant humans in existence, apart from Rei you're the only human in the entire eastern hemisphere who can pilot one of these things!" explained Misato.

"Why, what the hell makes me so special?! TELL ME!!" Shinji yelled back.

"The answer is quite complex, but I think you will understand" Ritsuko said loudly, halting the raucous debate. She removed a fresh cig from the pack in her top pocket and placed it between her lips. "I'm assuming you know about DNA? Well, as you probably know every living thing in existence has DNA, including the Eva's; and everyone and everything's DNA is unique. But some creatures DNA can be very similar, like humans and apes for example, well the same thing applies for humans and Eva's. Anyway, my point is that for an Eva to be operated successfully the pilot must synchronise with it, mentally and physically. The pilot has a much greater chance of doing this if his or hers DNA is as similar as possible to the Eva's, so far we've checked DNA from approximately 85,000,000 children worldwide trying to find the best possible matches and you Shinji, are one of the three lucky winners….So far."

"But how did you get my DNA, I've never even met any of you before?" sobbed Shinji.

"We obtained yours plus all the other children's DNA through a series of vaccinations administered in schools the world over, after you received your shots the used needles were sent to us for analysis, after imputing the information in our database our supercomputers cross-referenced the children's DNA with the Eva's and churned out the best possible matches. It took tens of thousands of scientists and medical personnel working around the clock for the past decade to gather what information we have so far, and we're not even a quarter of the way through, so you most likely wont be the last Eva pilot.

"…..but why do kids have to pilot them in the first place!?" asked Shinji, still shivering with anxiety.

"As I said, in order for the Eva to be piloted you must synchronise with it, this is far easier for a child to do for a number of reasons, one is psychological, you see at your age the brain is still developing, and mentally accepting the angels will be far easier for a child then an adult, the earlier you're exposed to something the easier it is to accept and deal with. For example, we've had guys that have been in the army all their lives applying for jobs here at Nerv, most of them witnessed every barbaric act known to man, but after finding out about the angels the majority were confused and would not accept them as fact."

"…B-but I'm confused as well!" squeaked Shinji.

"Trust me by this time next week, you'll be over It." smiled Ritsuko, who knew a thing or two about child psychology. That's the good thing about teenagers, they are remarkably shallow. It doesn't take long for them to forget their problems, after all at that age they truly think the universe revolves around them. Give a kid a bag of sweets and a new video game and the fucking brat couldn't care less if it's grandparents were just annihilated in a car crash.

"Children cope in the face of adversity much better then adults." smiled Ritsuko. "One other major reason is because children have higher sensory perception and are more alert and quick to react in general then adults, plus kids are more prone to obey orders without to much debate or freedom of thought, but the main reason above all else is because the entry plug is to damn small for adults, it's not too small due to a design flaw, it's due to cost. The bigger the Eva, the bigger the cost. Simple. "

"Why can't you guys just make the entry plug or the cockpit, or what ever the hell it's called bigger so adults can pilot them, surely it wouldn't cost too much?" pleaded Shinji, looking for any excuse not to pilot the dreaded machine.

"Actually it would, the necessary modifications for the Eva's would cost hundreds of billions, like I said it's financially impossible. Anyway that doesn't matter; we would still use children for the reasons I previously mentioned."

Shinji sunk back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling fan slowly rotating over head. It had a hypnotic effect as it sliced through the cigarette smoke, causing it to swirl in a spectral vortex. He remained silent, thinking deeply about the facts, he never thought for one second that this would be the reason his dad summoned him. It was like he was Alice trapped in an even more twisted version of wonderland, except everyone was on crack and it wasn't a dream!

"You can't possibly expect me to deal with all this!?" moaned Shinji, suddenly overwhelmed with the sheer gravity of the piss awful situation.

"Let me answer that question with another question. Two people read a news paper, one is a five year old child, the other is a fully grown man, on the front page it states King-Kong exists and is destroying New York at this very moment, which of the two do you think would be more disturbed by this news?"

"….the kid?" guessed Shinji, sobbing as tears ran down his cheeks.

"No, the child is a blank slate and is completely open minded, where as the adult is set in his ways and has been told all his life that make believe things like this don't exist, basically it undermines everything he has ever known to be true; upsetting him deeply. Whilst the child on the other hand, remains undisturbed and docile." explained Ritsuko, looking into Shinji's eyes. She could tell something besides the angels was on his mind. "It's not the Angel's you're scared of is it Shinji, you're more scared of having to take a human life, am I correct?"

Shinji nodded.

"Like Misato said earlier were not out to kill people, the reason Nerv exists is to protect lives not take them, and we need you're help" Shinji sighed and rested his head in his hands, it's a shit feeling when those that are supposed to be in control look to you for help.

Suddenly Misato butted in "Not to mention Rei… she needs you too, when the shit hits the fan she's gonna need all the help she can get."

He suddenly thought of Rei having to face the onslaught alone, a deep feeling of shame washed over him. If a stupid sissy girl could do this then surely he could!

Shinji wiped his eyes with his forearm and sniffed the snot back up his nose. "You're right; it wouldn't be fair on Rei to do all the work. I'm sorry I went a bit crazy it's just that…I'm not really that brave… I never have been." blushed Shinji, and it was true, the little wimp shat himself every time a wasp flew by his ear, so imagine how he'd cope in combat with hundreds of missiles, shells and bombs exploding all around him!

"Oh sweetie, I don't think you give yourself enough credit, you endured losing your mother at an early age and gutted out years of hardship in that crumby orphanage, not to mention the fact you travelled half way across the country to a strange place to stand up to your negligent father. That in my opinion takes a lot of courage…"commented Misato, helping Shinji wipe away the last traces of moisture from his cheeks.

"For once she's right Shinji, I've had to break this news to many many people and so far I've only seen one other person take the news better then you, and that's Rei. But then again nothing really seems to bother her, she's either very cool or very stupid." said Ritsuko staring directly at him. She could tell he was disturbed by things to come. "This will probably sound corny but, no one ever said life was easy Shinji, at some point we all have to do things we don't want to…"

It's quite funny, even though the woman possessed an infinitely brilliant intellect, when it came to kids she didn't have a bloody clue. Fortunately being a big kid herself this is where Misato excelled.

"Yeah but no one said it has to be hard either!" barked Misato, quite annoyed by Ritsuko's bluntness. "Look Shinji you don't have to be worried, the Eva you will be piloting is pretty much indestructible; a nuclear explosion would barley spill an Eva pilot's coffee inside. Besides you've got me to look out for you and some of the greatest minds on earth backing you up, not to mention most of the planet's armed forces."

A glimmer of reassurance shone in Shinji's eyes.

"Not to mention when all this crap is done you will be famous, I'm talking god like man! Just think about it, people all over the world will wanna meet you, and make movies about you and write books and all kinds of other cool shit! You'd have to be nuts to turn down such a kick ass opportunity! Plus, Rei loves a guy in uniform" said Misato with a wink and a giggle.

Shinji managed to crack a smile that vanished as quickly as it came.

"Enough jokes, it's time to make a choice Shinji…" said Ritsuko, pushing a piece of paper across the desk. "This is your contract of employment, everything has been filled in for you; we have everything set up and ready to go. All we need you to do is sign it to make it official…Or, I could rip it up right now, and you can go back to your normal life. The choice is yours…But be warned this is your final chance, if you accept we expect you to give this everything you have, so don't bother signing if your just going to quit a week down the line. Protecting the lives of millions is not a thing you can do half-assed." The two women watched the poor boy in sympathetic silence as he mulled over the worst decision he'd ever have to make. On the one hand he could do the noble thing and fight the Angels, which would most likely result in a horrific and painful death. Or, he could refuse like a coward, run off and hide somewhere and wait for the monsters to come, also resulting in a horrific and painful death. Either way his fate resembled that of a Dutch girls' in tourist season…totally screwed.

"…Ok…I'll pilot It." whispered Shinji.

"You sure you want to? Because I feel I must warn you that from this point on, to the day we kill the last angel you will belong to Nerv, you won't have much of a social life and we will be monitoring you at all times. Can you live with that kid?" asked Ritsuko. Shinji picked up the pen and reluctantly stared at the piece of paper that could possibly be his death warrant. Suddenly something sprung to mind.

"…C-Can I just ask something?"

"Feel free Shinji." replied Ritsuko.

"…Will I get paid for all this?"

"Yes you will, we don't expect you to do this for nothing."

"How much are we talking here?" asked Shinji. Obviously any asshole with half a brain cell could tell this profession wasn't gonna be your average minimum wage job. Ritsuko and Misato looked at each other with amusement at the question.

"Well, that depends on the duration of your employment, but I think we can safely assume your salary will be in the seven figure region…" smirked Ritsuko, raising her eye brows.

Shinji was dumbstruck. A minute ago he feared for his life, now almost instantaneously he was bubbling with total and utter excitement at all the stuff he could do and buy. It's amazing what money can do to a person.

"You wont make that kind of money scrubbing shitty toilets at burger king huh?!" laughed Misato.

"……..J-just wait a second…s-seven figures, you mean a m-m-mil…" squeaked Shinji.

"Yes Shinji millions, but you won't have access to the money until your eighteen years of age, until then it will be kept in trust. Oh I almost forgot, you also get a stylish Nerv coffee mug with your name on it, plus all the free pens you want." smiled Ritsuko, blowing smoke through her nose. "Now if that won't convince you to join, I dunno what will…"

Shinji was mesmerised by the sheer amount of cash that was up for grabs, he'd be totally set for life…If he didn't get killed of course. Shinji thought hard about his future, he was an average kid with an average brain and couldn't expect much from life when he left school. Like most boys his age he occasionally fantasized of being famous and rich with sex obsessed super models queuing up around the block, just to have the extreme privilege of playing with his joystick, but he never expected it to come true. Shinji scribbled his name on the contract and pushed it back to Ritsuko.

"Welcome aboard Shinji! You now officially work for Nerv." screeched Misato hugging him tightly. Shinji could taste the moisturiser that was on her boobs as she pressed his face deep into her bosom "Oh man, we're gonna have a blast just you see!"

"Jesus Christ Misato, give the poor boy some air!" sniggered Ritsuko, checking that the contract had been signed correctly. "Excellent, everything seems to be in order…Any other questions you wanna ask me while we're here?" asked Ritsuko, putting the contract into a binder.

"…Huh? Y-yeah I got a few more…I'm just a bit messed up" stammered Shinji, still in excited turmoil.

"Like?..."

"About these angel creatures, if I'm gonna work here, then I think I've got right to know what I'm gonna be going up against."

"What about them do you want to know?" smiled Ritsuko, happy to help.

"Well for a start why exactly are they called angels? From the sound of it these things are anything but nice…"

"Propaganda reasons, obviously we can't keep the angels a secret forever, They're just to big, and it's not like we can tell the public they're weather balloons when the damn things are strolling through the city centre now can we? Inevitably they will be exposed and it wouldn't be too wise of us to refer to them as 'murderous rampaging beasts'. It would be very bad for public morale."

"I see, and where exactly do these damn things come from?" asked Shinji.

"In truth, not much is known about their place of origin, but most of the evidence we have gathered points to here on earth" answered Ritsuko

"…What evidence?" asked Shinji.

Ritsuko was impressed by Shinji's quick grasp of the subject; he had an insatiable thirst for knowledge unlike most of the boys his age, who were more interested in wasting their time with violent video games or touring free porn sites on the net. It was refreshing to see a kid with a good brain for once.

"Hmmm well there are many examples but I suppose the easiest to explain would be the eruption of mount Krakatoa on August the 26th 1883"

"What, you mean that huge volcano in Indonesia? Are you trying to tell me that happened because of an angel?!" asked Shinji astonished.

"Ahhh I see you know your history, and yes we believe its eruption was due to an angel" smirked Ritsuko, sparking up "Volcanologists employed by Nerv recently conducted a top secret sonar-graphic scan at the base of the mountain, and the results revealed there was a huge cavern deep beneath the main magma chamber, resembling the cavern the Geofront is built in. It was about half a kilometre in circumference and perfectly round like a sphere. We estimate the angel that caused the eruption was lying there for several thousand years at least, hibernating if you will, then seemingly for no reason it exploded."

Suddenly a thought crossed Shinji's mind…

"Wait a minute, was this cave made by an angel?"

"Precisely, you catch on quick Shinji"

"So if they hibernate….does that mean they are animals or what?" Shinji probed further.

"Short answer is, we don't know. There is only so much that science can explain, for instance they aren't consistent in there physical anatomy"

"…Huh?"

"Take humans for example, we are all made to the same specification i.e. we all have the same basic capabilities and physical appearance, two eyes, a nose, a mouth, arms, legs etcetera, the same applies for other members of the animal kingdom like lions, bears, fish, dogs, lizards, so forth, but the angels are very unique; they come in many shapes and forms, some are made of flesh and bone, some are made of mineral composites, some are even composed entirely of light. As you say they may very well be some sort of species of animal we've yet to properly discover and document, but until we have solid evidence we couldn't commit to such a large assumption. I shouldn't be telling you this but chances are Misato will get drunk and blurt it out to you later so what the hell, back when this cave was first explored we found an angel down here, it wasn't just any old Angel though, it turned out to be the matriarch of there entire race. Alas, we can explain very little with the technology we have, so it shall remain under lock and key until science evolves to such a level where we can properly analyze it." explained Ritsuko.

"There's an angel down here!?" gasped Shinji "How the hell do you keep it under control?!"

"Don't worry about that now, all you need to know is that the Angels are highly dangerous, quite intelligent, and very unpredictable. Hence they must be stopped."

"I'm sorry I just can't get to grips with this, it just doesn't make any sense." pondered Shinji.

"Then I'll make it very simple, the angels must die so humanity can continue living, this is a war of survival."

"Ritsuko, don't be so graphic you'll scare him!" hissed Misato, drawing Shinji in close.

"I'm not scared anymore!" growled Shinji, trying to be brave. "I'm just…concerned"

"Relax cutie, now that there's three Eva pilots we stand a really good chance of winning, those things can kick some serious ass I tell you what!" laughed Misato.

"Indeed… humanity will have a much better chance with three Eva pilots instead of two"

"Three pilots, I thought there was only me and Rei?" enquired Shinji.

"The other pilot's name is Asuka Langley Soryu, female, fourteen years of age, approximately five feet tall, blue eyes, auburn hair, of Germanic-Japanese origin occupation; student. Currently residing in southern Germany" said Ritsuko, very formally.

"Oh…" Shinji felt even more shame of being scared now that he found out there was another girl pilot, he decided to change the subject. "Wait a minute, how do you even know about the angels if no one has ever seen one?"

"I never said no one had ever seen one, quite the contrary, through out human history they have made several appearances. How do you think we got all this info about them otherwise?"

"Really, when did they appear?" enquired Shinji

"Some of the earliest written accounts come from ancient Greece. Philosophers and historians from that period constantly refer to titans 'aka angels' walking the earth and riding the heavens, hmmm but I take it that's a bit too vague for you…I know, I take it you've heard of Jesus? Well, several scholars speculate even he was an angel that had the ability to take a human form; this gives birth to the premise that not all angels are dangerous. Who knows? Some could have benign intentions and thus be beneficial to the human race instead of detrimental to our existence, but unfortunately we can't risk trying to differentiate between the good and the bad, they all must be destroyed. Period."

"NO WAY!" gasped Shinji "You expect me to swallow this nonsense!? There isn't even any real proof that Jesus existed, only writing and that doesn't't really count…Does it?"

"Why not? We know for a fact that great historical figures such as Alexander the great existed mainly from written text, and he existed three hundred and fifty years before Christ, also Jesus is mentioned in every single account, scripture and holy book in the Middle East, and in every one he is depicted as a great healer with supernatural powers."

"….This is incredible!" gasped Shinji, reeling with astonishment. "So does this…does this mean that there is a god?!" asked Shinji his voice trembling.

Ritsuko let out a quiet ripple of laughter. "You sure are an inquisitive little fellow aren't you?!"

"Well does it?!" Shinji asked again, his face very serious.

"That's a matter of debate, although it says in the bible he was the son of god this doesn't necessarily mean it is so, you see back then everyone thought the explanation to most things was down to god, like the weather, child birth, illness, the origin of mankind, earthquakes, comets falling to earth and so forth…" explained Ritsuko.

"Oh yeah, that's a good point …" mumbled Shinji, slightly disappointed that she didn't confirm it.

"While we're on the subject of earthquakes and comets and all that other depressing end of the world stuff, we at Nerv believe that several other well known environmental catastrophes were also caused by angels, like the Black Death in medieval Europe and the extinction of the dinosaurs."

"This is crazy, why do they cause all this destruction, I mean come on what's the point?!" asked Shinji.

"The same reason why bees sting, we are a threat. Up until now, the angel's existence has relied on the ignorance of mankind. But humanity is getting smarter and more advanced with every passing year, and eventually it will come to a point where humans and Angels will collide. It's a simple concept to understand, we're two species, both at the peak of the evolutionary mountain, fighting for first place and there can only be one winner. But then again I could be wrong, in which case who knows why they trash everything? Maybe they do it because destruction is just part of their nature, much like us humans?"

"…Oh man, I think I'm gonna pass out, this is just too much to take in at once…Does Nerv know where these things are right now?" asked Shinji.

"We have a few possible ideas where they are, the ones on earth that is, but we can't investigate too far." answered Ritsuko.

"Why not? If you know where they are then surely you could just blow them up or something?"

"Maybe, if they didn't blow us up first, you see angels have a nasty tendency of exploding when disturbed." Ritsuko nodded towards Misato. "As you know, basket ball tits over there is living testament that the best policy is not to interfere and let the angels come to us, that's why Tokyo-3 was built Shinji, to lure them out."

"Don't call me that you stupid…….nipple head!" sneered Misato, almost unable to conjure up a come back.

Suddenly Shinji understood why there was so many soldiers and military equipment in the city.

"So basically this city is a giant mousetrap?"

"Metaphorically speaking, yes" answered Ritsuko.

"Actually I like to think of this city as that house in that movie 'home alone' but instead of robbers trying to break in its angels" smiled Misato. Ritsuko rolled her eyes and took a large puff of her cigarette. "Misato, the kid is fourteen not four! He understands the situation just fine with out you're over patronising half-assed analogies"

"But why would they want to come here, what exactly is going to lure them out" Shinji butted in.

"The 'Cheese' in the mousetrap believe it or not are the Eva's themselves" said Ritsuko. Shinji looked confused. "Now this is where it gets a bit complicated, but try and follow as best you can. The first Eva's were big bulky things, made mainly of steel; as a result it was extremely slow and heavy. If we put one of those things in to combat with an angel, it would be like a morbidly obese cripple trying to fight Bruce Lee. We needed a design that would be light, strong and fast, much like an Angel. So that's exactly what we did, we used Adams DNA as a template to make our own angel. How did we do it you ask? Well, shortly after second impact, we recovered some charred fragments of Adam's flesh, it was scattered all over the southern hemisphere so it wasn't hard to find a sample, and after nine long years of work and endless failure, Nerv successfully managed to clone an angel."

"So the Eva's are basically Angels?!" asked Shinji.

"Precisely" smiled Ritsuko.

"…I don't mean to sound dumb or nothing but, how exactly are they gonna be lured out again?" asked Shinji failing to see the connection.

"I was getting to that. You see, the one thing angels have is the uncanny ability to sense each others presence."

"Oh no way!" said Shinji, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Way! it's not just Angels that possess that ability you know, it has been proven to be present in some humans also, take identical twins for example, many twins can sense each others pain and feelings, and in some cases can accurately home in on each others location with out any aid, It's like a sixth sense. But I'm beginning to digress from my point; basically we're using the Angels own instincts against them, it's sort of like Aikido when you think about it." explained Ritsuko.

"I think I understand…Your using the Eva's like a candle to draw in the moths, right?…"

"Damn Shinji I am impressed. It took Misato weeks to understand all this!" chuckled Ritsuko, smiling with admiration "Actually I could use a smart kid like you around, maybe in a few years when you've graduated I might give you a shot at being one of my assistants."

"Thanks, but there's one thing I don't get…" said Shinji brushing off the compliment. "You said you already had an Angel under lock and key?"

"Yes, and you're question is?" asked Ritsuko.

"My question is why haven't the angels sensed it and already attacked the earth?"

Ritsuko paused for a moment in total hesitation, she never expected Shinji to ask such a thing. She cleared her throat and answered "Errr simple answer Shinji…the angel we've got is dead"

"Oh right…" mumbled Shinji returning to his thoughts.

Ritsuko didn't like how close Shinji was getting, he was digging too deep, so she decided to bring the conversation to an end. Obviously Nerv had its secretes … "Well I think that about wraps it up, you now know the situation"

"…Yeah, thanks. Appreciate it." said Shinji sarcastically.

"I wonder how they manage to sense each other, its amazing how they just know how to find each other, I mean the earth is like a zillion square miles of land and water, you'd think it would be impossible." commented Misato.

"Actually the surface area of the earth is more like five hundred million square kilometres and besides, the size of the planet is irrelevant, they will still find us; much like how geese know which way to fly south for the winter, its instinct." Ritsuko stubbed out her cig and blew a large plume of smoke into the air. She really did know everything, no wonder everyone wanted her to be on their team at Nervs Christmas party quiz.

"Yeah either that or they can read our minds!" said Misato, in a spooky voice.

"Misato, if you haven't got anything sensible to contribute to this conversation then shut up, there is no such thing as telepathy…" said Ritsuko.

"Yeah there is! I read my horoscope every week in the paper and it comes true every time without fail, explain that!" smirked Misato, looking very cocky.

"Firstly, your confusing astrology with telepathy, they're two separate things you silly ho. Secondly, astrology is a load of anti science cock custard, cooked up by some sad idiot to make money from tard's like you, and thirdly, thoughts are primarily triggered by a series of electro-chemical reactions within the brain, basically reading someone's mind would be like trying to read a book with out opening the cover…Actually, why the hell am I explaining this, I thought you were supposed to be a grown up?" despaired Ritsuko.

"God! Is there anything you don't know Geekarella?!

"Geekarella huh? Well at least I'm not a pestiferous acrimonious ignoramus...unlike some people"

"For Christ sake Ritsuko if your gonna insult me then use laments terms, Jesus you sound like you've swallowed a dictionary."

"It's called professionalism dumb ass, that's why I'm head of scientific research and you're just the leggy bit of T'n A that makes coffee for the guys upstairs, or what ever the hell you're crappy job is…. Actually come to think of it Misato, what the hell is your Job? All you ever seem to do is play Tetris on your pc, and aimlessly wander around the Geofront giving people high fives!" asked Ritsuko.

In a matter of seconds, the highly intellectual and serious conversation had degenerated into another one of their silly arguments; how could they be so carefree? Didn't they care about the end of the world; did it even cross their minds? The thought provoked a burst of laughter from Shinji, who was still unsure whether he was stuck in a very strange dream.

"Don't listen to her Shinji she's full of crap! And F-Y-I Ritsuko I'm in charge of secret projects and operations so up yours!"

"Of course you are in charge, its called affirmative action! The company is obliged to promote you special needs cases just to show they're diverse, even if it does mean the end of mankind as we know it!" sneered Ritsuko laughing out loud.

A thunderous look broke out on Misatos' face. "RIGHT, THAT'S IT! I'm going to file a formal grievance against you and I'm gonna sue your bleach blonde ass for slander and victimization, you're a witness Shinji, you heard everything she called me!" raged Misato.

"Sue me then, I've got f all anyway!" laughed Ritsuko "I tell you what, you can have half of my debts how's that sound?"

"Bullshit, BULLSHIT MAN! I know for a FACT that you earn at least 60k a year!" smiled misato.

Shinji watched in silent amusement at the bickering women, they fought constantly like some estragon fuelled version of Tom and Jerry, but Shinji could tell they were close, almost like sisters.

"Shinji, I don't know how the hell your gonna manage living with her?! Did you know she's got a dirty habit of wearing the same clothes for weeks at a time?!" yelled Ritsuko, interrupting his thoughts.

"NO I DONT!!"

"Oh yes you do! Remember when we shared that apartment back in college; I had to keep lending you change for the fucking Laundromat because you kept spending all your cash on booze, I almost went insane living with you over those three years, not to mention bankrupt with all the loans you never paid back! Seriously Shinji she's a total pig to live with, if you've got any brains you'll get out while you can!" laughed Ritsuko.

"Oh and smoking isn't a filthy habit huh?!" Misato counter attacked.

"What! You smoke as well you ditz! And the reason I smoked so much was to cover up the gym locker smell from your laundry! So if I get lung cancer its down to you're slovenliness, in fact I could sue you for indirectly killing me!"

"Grrrrrrrr come on Shinji lets get the hell out of here!" growled Misato, defeated yet again.

"Goodbye doctor Akagi, I guess I'll see you around?" said Shinji whilst Misato aggressively dragged him out of the room.

"Bye bye Shinji I look forward to working with you, and as for you Misato, the next time I see you I want my money!" yelled Ritsuko "AND IM ADDING INTREST!"

"Oh go and chomp a cigarette you horrible old dragon! And by the way your dye job looks crap!" yelled Misato slamming the door with immense force.

"Stupid fat ugly wench WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS, EINSTEIN OR SOMETHING!?"

"…….Errrr did I miss something or did I hear you say you were pals with Dr Akagi" asked Shinji.

"Yeah, she's my best friend, sort of."

Shinji looked astonished "…She's your best friend!? But you talk to each other like crap!"

"Ahh take no notice it's just a bit of fun, it's what gets us through the day." smiled Misato. "Did you check out the huge mole on her face, it grosses me out sometimes"

"Yeah I saw, she looks like she had a bowl of Cocoa Krispies for breakfast and got one stuck on her face."

Misato erupted into laughter "Oh man where do you get them from Shinji, You make me laugh so much!! Actually, do you mind if I use that against her later!? She gets really self conscious when people mention her mole."

"…Sure I guess" smiled Shinji. He loved it when Misato laughed; she had to be the only girl in the history of his life who laughed with the poor little cunt instead of at him.

"Well we better not keep you're old man waiting, I wonder what he wants?"

"My blood probably…" moaned Shinji, recalling yesterday's hostilities.

"Nah! He won't risk pissing you off; you're far too valuable to Nerv. Unlike me, he goes fucking coo coo bananas at me for the least little thing! If he slipped in a puddle of his own piss in the bathroom he'd find a way to blame me!" Misato sighed with amused despair. "I've given this place ten years of my life and not once has he ever said 'Good job Misato' Not once!"

"Yeah, that's cuz he's a fat ugly asshole from hell!" growled Shinji.

Misato playfully put her arm around his shoulders and burst out laughing once more. "I can tell you'l fit in here just fine Shinji!"


	7. In Bed With Misato

**In Bed with ****Misato**

The trip to commander Ikari's office though the corridors of Nerv Central was long and claustrophobic. There was no fresh air or natural light of any kind. Apart from a couple of potted plants, the whole place was cold and artificial, like the cancer ward at some soulless inner city hospital.

Being a kid in a place full of grown-ups, Shinji stuck out like a dick in a female locker room. Everywhere he went in that place he received weird looks from his new adult co-workers. Still it was to be expected, it was a novelty that a mere child (A child who still got teary eyed when he watched Simba's dad get killed) was supposed to be mankind's ultimate weapon. Plus, as if life wasn't shit enough for him, Shinji was desperate for a piss and there wasn't a restroom in sight. Even if there had been he wouldn't go because Misato thought it was funny to tell him that Nerv had all it's toilets kitted out with high powered cameras, designed to zoom in right on your crack…or winky in this case. Any old pervo could be watching him!

"_What a depressing shit-hole_" thought Shinji, keeping his head down as he followed Misato. Ever had butterflies in your stomach? Well Shinji felt like a bunch of vampire bats were having an acid rave inside his; the sheer stress and anticipation was near to crippling. How on earth could he look his dad in the eye after what happened? It was bad enough he found out the world was under threat from gargantuan monsters, the last thing he needed was this crap.

After a while Shinji found himself staring at Misato's legs. Since he met her yesterday afternoon, the dirty little so and so kept fantasizing about her being completely naked except for her gun holster and red hat. With out warning she looked over her shoulder at him.

"…and what are you looking at young man?!" she smiled, sensing his perverted gaze.

"…nothing! I-I was just admiring the f-floor…" stammered Shinji, tutting at himself with frustration at the lame answer.

"Yeah man, the floors around these parts are really something huh?..." smirked Misato, quite pleased with the effect her looks had on him. Shinji didn't even bother to try and protest; she knew he thought she was hot. The poor boy tried to look away but he couldn't resist, it was like her ass was a magnet or something! After a while he walked along side her just so she wasn't in his eye line; needless to say it would be quite unwise to enter his dad's office with a raging stiffy swinging around in his pants.

"We're here…" said Misato nodding her head towards a pair of large doors next to a small waiting area, with a couple of cheapo chairs and some way out of date gardening magazines. As if anyone in Japan had a back yard. The pair sat down, Shinji felt like he was in a waiting room at the dentist…which was rather fitting because his dad would most likely knock all his teeth out. Shinji frowned at the painful notion.

"Whoa man, déjà vu or what?…you'll probably say no but do you want me to come in with you this time?" Shinji didn't answer right away, he was too deep in thought; staring nervously at the doors of his father's office as if they were the gates of hell. He could just imagine what was going to happen, as soon as he set foot over the threshold his dad would throw him clean across the room and pummel the living crap out of him in a phenomenal show of rage. Deep down he wanted her to accompany him, but he would look like a total puss if she did. If he was gonna die, he would go out with dignity.

"Nah, thanks anyway though" droned Shinji, dreading the impending thrashing.

"Are you sure? Tell ya what, I'll let you borrow my gun if it makes you feel better?" joked Misato.

"Really it's ok…"

"Seriously though, if he tries to hit you just yell out my name, I'll be in that office quicker then you can say headshot…I mean it, I will blast his fat, grumpy over paid butt into oblivion."

Shinji still couldn't fully grasp why she was acting so protective over him, the loony cow had only known him for a day! Maybe she was just the clingy type?

Shinji nodded a silent thanks. With a loud crackle a deep voice sounded from the speaker above the door.

"Come in boy…"

Shinji stood to his feet and made his way over to the door. He turned the handle very cautiously as if it were trip wired to a nuclear bomb and slowly opened the door. His dad was sitting behind his desk, staring directly at him. The terrified boy looked at Misato one last time and entered the office; slowly closing the door behind him. The deathly ticking of the wall clock was the only thing that could be heard; its rhythmic noise punctuating the overwhelmingly awkward silence. It was so strange, sitting there, looking at each other like two complete strangers. Shinji stared into his dad's eyes, darkly sitting behind those gay looking orange sunglasses, waiting for the impending shit storm. Poor Shinji, He was so tense with fear he was on the verge of filling his knickers.

"So now you kn…"

"NOOOO!! DON'T HURT ME!!!" shrieked Shinji flying out of his chair with utter terror at the sudden sound of his dad's voice.

"What on earth?..." commented Gendo, as he observed his pansy-ass son cowering against the wall. Half a second later, the door flung open smacking into Shinji with the force of a freight train; Misato came bursting into the room, looking around with startled curiosity.

"Shinji...where are you?" suddenly she heard a painful groan from behind the door.

"OH TEACAKES!" gasped Misato, taking care not to swear in the presence of her boss.

Gendo looked quizzically at the foolish pair _'What the hell!…'_

"You ok Shinji?..." she asked probing his face for injury.

"…oh god, I thing you brog by dose …." quivered Shinji, feeling like a stupid dick at his babyish outburst.

Sick of her foolish antics, Commander Ikari lost his temper "Captain Katsuragi, get out of my office now!"

"Oh come on man?! I was only checking to see if you guys were ok, after all I did hear a scream!"

Gendo rushed from his chair and grabbed the top of Misato's arm. With great strength he harshly ushered her to the door.

"I SAID OUT! And if you EVER QUESTION ME AGAIN, I WILL PUT YOU THROUGH THAT DOOR HEAD FIRST!!! NOW GET OUT YOU DISOBBEDIANT IDIOT!!!"

"OK OK! I'm going…man, what's up his ass?!" said Misato, whispering the latter to Shinji on her way out.

"YOU F…I swear it woman, you haven't heard the last of this!" yelled Gendo slamming the door behind her. He sat back down and straightened his glasses "Are you ok?"

"…_sniff…_Yeah, I'll be fine_…sniff"_

"Are your certain?"

"…_sniff…_Yes."

"So…now you know the situation…" he resumed, speaking with out emotion "How do you feel about it?"

"Huh? A-about what?" squeaked Shinji, wondering why his dad wasn't kicking his ass.

"About the Angels obviously"

Once again Shinji felt rather foolish for his lack of comprehension, and replied instantly. "Umm…worried I guess?…"

"Arent we all?" smirked Gendo. "Now do you see why I had to leave you, I never wanted to, but I had to. You assumed I walked out on you because I resented you being born, right?"

Shinji didn't answer.

"The truth is, if I didn't leave home and came here to Tokyo-3 then the Eva's would not exist, and human kind would be totally and utterly defenceless, I'm sure Dr Akagi has already told you, but I am responsible for the Eva's Shinji, they are my creations."

"Why couldn't you have taken me with you…" mumbled Shinji, his self pity blinding him to the bigger picture.

"I'll be totally honest; you would have got in the way that's why." said Gendo, being extremely frank.

"You are the worst father on earth!" spat Shinji, making for the door. "I don't even know why I bothered to come here! YOU PILE OF DOG SHIT!!! SCREW YOU!!!"

Gendo sighed with frustration; he never had to deal with stroppy teens before.

"Sit down." He instructed, but Shinji just ignored him and continued to the door. "I TOLD YOU TO SIT DOWN!!!" roared Gendo, thumping the table with immense force. Shinji felt the shockwave clean across the room and froze to the spot with fear, he cautiously turned to face his dad; his bottom lip quivering.

"DO AS I SAY BOY!!!"

Shinji quickly complied and sat back down. His dad leaned across the desk and looked Shinji in the eyes. "I know life has been hard for you but it was for you're own good, and despite what you think I do care for you and your mother, even though she isn't here anymore."

Shinji couldn't believe what he was hearing; did his dad just say he cared about him?...Had hell frozen over recently?!

"Just because I didn't smoother you with hugs and kisses every minute of the day doesn't mean I never loved you. The fact of the matter is I've never been an emotional person, and yes I admit it, my lack of emotion compromised my ability as a father. I was much more suited to being the provider, not a father; your mother was the better parent no question."

"If you cared for me then why did you dump me?!" whined Shinji.

Gendo rested his elbows on the desk and steepled his fingers. "On the day you were born, Yui made me promise to look after you if anything should happen to her in the future, and trust me, I would have done. But tell me Shinji, what would be the point in me devoting my time to raising you, feeding you and clothing you, just so you and everyone else in the world could be killed by the angels a few years later?"

Once again Shinji remained silent; he was finally beginning to understand his dad's reasoning.

"Ever since second impact Nerv has put me on high alert, there was nothing I could do for you, except one thing, and that was making sure you had a chance to grow up in a safe world. But now, the very situation I tried to further you from can only be resolved by you, what are the odds of that?"

Shinji finally broke down into tears. "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND! I couldn't't have cared less about being dragged around and living out of suitcases so long as I was with you!"

"Not possible, I was working eighteen hour days and I was constantly on the move, one minute I'm in Tokyo-3, the next day I'm on the other side of the planet… it just wouldn't have been practical, that's not a suitable life for a child."

"But living in an orphanage is? Yeah Gendo, real suitable…for you." sneered Shinji with an impudent smile.  
"Don't you dare get cocky with me! One more outburst and I swear I will break every bone in your god damn body!" hissed Gendo through clenched teeth. "At least there you had access to a School and three solid meals a day. But most importantly, you got the one thing I couldn't have given you if I dragged you around with me…a childhood."

Deep down Shinji knew his father's actions had been perfectly correct, yet he couldn't shake the resentment he held for him, like most teens he was too pig headed and arrogant to accept logic, but then again being dumped by your dad will have that effect. Suddenly, Gendo softened.

"Look, I'm not made of stone; don't you think I want a normal life? I don't plan on working at Nerv forever, in fact when all this business with the angels is over I'm going to retire early, I've made enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, and if it's alright I would like to get to know my son again, start fresh…That is, if it's ok with you of course?" offered Gendo. "If not, I understand. We can go our separate ways and I wont bother you again...I don't deserve a second chance at being your father."

In an instant, all of Shinji's fear for the angels and hatred for his father had vanished and had been replaced by elation, he had dreamed of hearing those words for so long, it was like winning the lottery ten times over. Evidently the old bastard was lonely, when most adults pass their prime, and death draws ever closer the only thing that matter's is the company of your family…not because they love you or anything, they just want someone to wipe their ass when they become incontinent.

"Yes! Yes I-I would love to do that, I mean I think it would be great if we could-"

"But!"

Gendo held up his hand, instantly halting Shinji's enthusiasm. "Like I said, only when this situation with the angels is over, until then it's best that we carry on as normal, that means you still living with Katsuragi, and me continuing my duties uninterrupted, agreed?"

"…Yeah! Sure…ABSOLUTLY!" said Shinji with a goofy smile.

"Good" said Gendo, reaching over his desk and offering Shinji his hand, Shinji accepted the handshake with out hesitation and shook it as hard as he could, trying to impress his dad. "I am very proud of you son, I'm sorry I wasn't there but all that will change. Now that I've met you and explained myself, I can sleep easy in the knowledge you understand why I did what I did."

Shinji wiped at his eyes and smiled. "Hey dad, I'm sorry for hitting you yesterday, I was out of order, if there's anything you want me to do then just name it…"

"Just don't go spreading it around, the last thing I need is the idiots around here knowing, especially her." said Gendo, referring to Misato.

"Sure I promise!" Little did Shinji know that Misato had already posted the whole incident on her myspace account from her cellphone, but how was he to know?

"Now if you don't mind Shinji I have an extremely busy day ahead of me, and so do you…we won't meet very often from this point on, but when we do we'll catch up properly." said Gendo, gesturing to the door.

"…huh, oh right."

Commander Ikari made a good job of hiding his pain and escorted Shinji to the door.

"Hey Misato Guess what!!!" beamed Shinji as he burst from the office, only to be greeted by her slumped in a chair fast asleep.

"MISATO!" yelled Shinji, instantly waking her from hung-over daze. "Wha???...Wha the fug???" slurred Misato, feeling disorientated.

"Misato guess what!?" Shinji asked again, vigorously shaking her. "Me and my dad have made up and one day when all this stuff with the angels is over him and me are gonna be a family again and it's gonna be awesome!!!" blurted Shinji, running out of breath with sheer jubilation.

"…Really? Wow that's really great news kid!" smiled Misato rubbing her eyes as she stood to her feet. "Maybe he's not such a fat, stupid, ugly, miserable old bastard then huh?"

"…Ahem" grunted Gendo, reminding them he was still there.

Misato froze and saw Gendo's familiar shape on the edge of her vision"…Oh balls! You could have told me he was standing there Shinji?!" moaned Misato turning to face her boss.

"I don't have the time right now but rest assured Katsuragi, you will be punished severely." said Gendo.

"Yeah yeah I know the routine…" moaned Misato.

"And remember what I told you about our little incident the other day Shinji?" added Gendo, making a zipping motion across his mouth.

"Don't worry dad, we wont say nothing! Right Misato!?"

"Absolutely sir not a word!_" _agreed Misato using a tremendous amount of smarm and a big fake smile.

Shinji had never felt so happy in all his life, he had a whole new perspective on life and nothing seemed to be able to bring him down. Shinji turned back to face his dad, his eyes moistening with tears.

"I'm sorry I said all those lousy things about you over the year's dad, I just didn't understand…"

"No Shinji, you've nothing to be sorry for, I purposely kept you in the dark and no matter how necessary it was, it doesn't negate the damage. I'm the one who is sorry." said Gendo, resting a caring hand on his only child's shoulder.

Shinji starred his dad in the eyes and saw genuine remorse; his mental defences were rapidly crumbling under the relentless swell and ebb of affection. No boy over the age of ten should want to hug and kiss his old man, as most of you guys know, dads suck. If you do wanna hug him then I suggest you seek psychiatric help. After all that is quite possibly the gayest thing any guy could ever do, but queer or not, Shinji couldn't't help it.

"Dad I've missed you so much!"

"No, no no NO SHINJI DON'T!" but it was too late. In a clumsy over affectionate display of feelings, the emotionally charged teen hurtled into his father; arms outstretched and eyes burning with tears as his bodyweight slammed into his dad's lower body.

_A few minutes later outside of the main entrance__…_

Shinji felt kind of stupid as the paramedics wheeled his dad in to the back of the ambulance, luckily for him his father was so doped up on anaesthesia that he didn't really notice the huge crowd of co-workers that had gathered.

"Oh man, I can't believe you did it again!" sniggered Misato, delighted with the mayhem it had caused. "POW! Right in the dick!"

"It wasn't like that this time, it was a complete accident!" protested Shinji, fearful that he blew his second chance with his dad. News spread fast when the emergency services were called, Fuyutski tried to convince everyone with some bullshit lie about how Gendo had a mild photosensitive seizure, but just like you're typical high school, Nerv wasn't short of immature idiots to over exaggerate what really happened. People added bits and pieces to the story until it was going around that Commander Ikari was snorting blow in his office and during a euphoric trip, he ended up feeding his cock into a paper shredder. Most of the staff was curious at the flashing blue lights and flocked to see what really happened, plus it had given them a convenient excuse to shirk there work and go outside for a nice afternoon breakin the balmy summer air.

"Dad! DAD!....It was an accident I swear!" yelled Shinji over the amused mob of slackers. He strained to get a good view of his father but the ambulance guys had shut the doors, and began to drive away.

"Well at least nobody but us knows…" said Shinji with slight relief. He caught the awkward look on Misato's face and dreaded the obvious "We are the only ones who know what really happened…aren't we Misato?" growled Shinji. Before she could answer, the guys he saw outside of Ritsuko's office earlier came striding over.

"Shinji dude, I heard about what you did to you're dad, pretty damn cool bro!" beamed Shigeru clapping Shinji on the shoulder.

"Yeah Shinji, you're officially in my cool books." giggled Maya. Shinji stood there, staring into space, absolutely mortified. He couldn't't believe it; Misato was right there when his dad told them to keep quite, but the silly big mouthed bitch still spilled the beans! He unconsciously accepted at least two dozen jubilant handshakes from complete strangers, until he and Misato were the only ones left outside. Misato felt very uneasy at the murderous expression on his face, so she decided to try and break the ice.

"…Fancy a mint Shinji?" asked Misato, offering a small tube of sweets.

"NO I DO NOT WANT A MINT!" exploded Shinji "Do you have any idea what you've done!?"

"I'm sorry Shinji I just couldn't help it, I was born with a big mouth." smiled Misato, backing away. "Besides everyone here thinks you're totally cool now!"

"Never mind cool, what am I gonna do when he finds out?!" worried Shinji, visibly shaking. "We're gonna be in so much trouble!"

"No we won't, he told us to keep quiet about him being socked in the balls yesterday right? Not about being hit in the balls today, so technically we are in the clear! Its called a legal loophole." smiled Misato "Plus I hate the man, he's always horrid to me and I've got a right to get even."

Shinji slumped down on the concrete steps, and rested his head in his hands "Why the FRIG did I try and hug him? I'm fourteen for god's sake what the hell was I thinking, I must have looked like a total idiot!"

Misato couldn't't help but laugh. "I thought it was quite sweet...in a disastrously painful sort of way."

"He's gonna totally disown me, again…" moaned Shinji "…Oh Well! That's another dream flushed down the toilet, I don't know why I'm surprised, everything goes wrong for me…"

"Shinji have a sense of humour, I'm sure he won't be too angry… That is, when he wakes up out of that coma you put him in!" commented Misato, fighting to hold back the laughter. Shinji looked at her and scowled.

"This isn't funny Misato, you can't keep mentioning it or else me and my dad are finished, trust me I know how his mind works…"

"Ahhhh don't worry about it, I wont say anything."

"PROMISE ME!" Shinji grabbed her jacket by the lapels; his big blue bulging eyes shining with fear and concern.

"Ok man relax, I promise I won't spread it around ever again. I know how much it upsets you and all."

"You really mean it, you swear you promise not to mention it anymore?"

"Jesus yes! I totally promise not to tell." laughed Misato.

"Good, if we're lucky everyone might forget by the time he gets back…"

Misato smiled and rolled her eyes at Shinji's naivety, in all actuality there was a better chance of the Jews forgetting the holocaust. People were gonna be talking about this for a long, long time.

"Seriously don't worry about it, no matter how gut splittingly hilarious it was he knows you never did it on purpose. You're dad may be a total penis, but when it comes down to it he's fair."

"I suppose, but what if he doesn't ever talk to me again?..."

"Oh forget that shit for now, lets get something to eat from the canteen, I could eat a horse." said Misato with a big yawn. "I never had any brekkie and I'm starving my ass off, you should get a bite to eat too, a skinny boy like you could use a damn good meal especially after the day you've had."

"…Don't I have to report to Dr Akagi?" asked Shinji.

"Who? Oh, you mean dragon breath, Why?"

"So you and that guy with the thick nerd glasses can have lunch together, you said you'd meet him at1:00pm remember?"

"Oh shit that's right, I said I'd have lunch with him didn't I…Oh well, screw the pair of 'em. We've got to head on home; tell ya what, we'll pick something up on the walk back instead."

"Sure Misato, what do you feel like."

"Hmmm let me think, I don't know about you but for some reason I'm in the mood for spaghetti and meatballs…"

It took a moment for the joke to click.

"….YOUR NOT FUNNY MISATO!!!"

It was a lovely afternoon In Tokyo-3. The sun was high above the skyscrapers, casting down its powerful rays from the bright blue sky; criss-crossed with jet contrails. Misato and Shinji had just set off on the long walk home and already Misato was pissing and moaning.

"Man, this weather is intense, of all the days for my car to get messed up. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have a hang over." groaned Misato, her pounding brain made worse from the fierce sunlight reflecting off the parked cars and windows. "Jesus it's like trekking through the Sahara fucking desert! You don't mind if I hold on to you do you Shinji?"

"…errrr ok" replied Shinji, scared shitless.

"Thanks, I feel like I'm gonna die." Misato linked arms with him, her forearm slid through his;

Shinji felt ever so cool walking out in public with such a shit hot babe on his arm. Passing men looked at him with puzzled astonishment, how could this dickless little goofball get a girl like that?

Hot dry air blew up from the sidewalk with every passing vehicle. Misato had taken her jacket off and swung it over her shoulder; the passers by looked frightened at the sight of her gun; Misato had to keep reassuring people that she worked for Nerv and everything was ok, it was a total pain in the ass but it was just too hot. She looked un-shaging-believable! Her boots and sunglasses gave her a dangerous yet sexy, mercenary kind of motif...she looked to bloody good to be a legit nerv agent, she looked as if she was a stripper imitating one. Needless to say, she got honks from every single truck that went by, she even posed for a passing bus, full of randy school boys eager to take snaps of her with their cell phones. Thinking he was receiving admiration, Shinji smiled and waved also, but he just received several raised middle fingers and mimed insults in return.

"_Whatever, they're just jealous!" _thought Shinji, starting to believe that Misato really was his girlfriend.

"I should walk home more often; my butts' getting fat from driving around all the time. You know what I wish? I wish all the fat I ate went straight into my boobs instead, that way I wont have to get a tit job when I'm forty." sighed Misato, adjusting her bra slightly.

"You're not fat Misato, you look great!" beamed Shinji feeling unusually happy.

"Really? What do you like best about me, be honest…"

Shinji looked slightly worried and swallowed deeply "Well…errrr.. _ahem!_ I guess I like…you're eyes, they're really pretty and…Brown"

Misato's face lit up with joy. "Shinji Ikari, you silver tongued devil! You've just made my day. Tell me more, I WANT MORE!!!"

If it's one thing chicks like its compliments.

"Errr…Ok. You've got nice skin also?" said Shinji, quite disturbed by Misato's eccentric behaviour. She wasn't being serious, she was just humouring him to build his confidence but Shinji was to busy lapping up her praise to notice. Men, they let their pricks rule their minds.

"Awwww thank you Shinji, you're so sweet. Say? You got anything to drink in that back pack of yours; I wouldn't want my perfect skin to get dehydrated now would I?"

"I think I might have some Coke, hang on a minute…" said Shinji digging through his satchel. Just then a truck pulled up next them and honked loudly, the driver rolled down the window and yelled loudly.

"Yo kid! Nice piece of ass you got there, maybe you can lend her to me sometime!!!"

Shinji instantly lost all his confidence and froze to the spot, scared to reply. Misato observed his hesitation and frowned, how was he going to kill the angels if he couldn't deal with something like this?

"You just gonna take that Shinji?" asked Misato with a hint of anger.

He didn't reply.

"I see…" Misato faced the smirking idiot and drew her gun; the smile instantly vanished from his unshaven face. "What was that prick?!...say that again, I dare ya asshole!!"

He didn't want to find out if she was bluffing and quickly drove away.

Misato turned to face Shinji; disgusted by his lack of balls. "Shinji, I don't mean to be a jerk or nothing but why the hell didn't you stand up for yourself?"

"…I dunno"

"What the hell do you mean you don't know? Shinji, if some asshole like that gets in your face than you yell back! Don't just stand there like a moron, rip into the bastard. You've got a tongue in your head right?!"

"…yeah" mumbled Shinji, looking at the ground.

"Good, next time something like that happens, use it!" snarled Misato. This was the first time she snapped at him. Nothing annoyed her more then cowardice, especially in men. "Come on lets get some eats, there's a supermarket over the next crossing."

Feeling ashamed, Shinji once again followed behind Misato. Her words cut quite deep; leaving a gaping mental wound festering with anger and self pity.

Shinji was quiet for the remainder of the journey, silently simmering with regret and shame. Fortunately Misato was to busy to notice, she spent most of the walk home on her cell phone trying to organise a mechanic to fix her car. As soon as she stepped over the threshold, Misato kicked her boots off and threw her jacket on the floor. "Oh my god, what a crappy day, just forty years more of this stupid boring shit and I can retire…" Suddenly she stopped yakking and noticed Shinji didn't follow her inside. He was just waiting outside the door with his hands in his pockets like a dipstick.

"Well come on in then…" said Misato rather annoyed.

"…y…y-youre sure your ok with me living here?"

"Get in Shinji!"

He instantly obeyed and entered the hall.

"I'm so beat, all I wanna do is crawl into bed with a cold one." yawned Misato making her way into the living room.

"Oh…ok then, I guess I'll just wait here until you wake up."

"…What?" Misato stopped dead in her tracks; turned around and marched back to Shinji. "You're kidding right...You're telling me you'd wait out here in the hallway for hours on end like a statue???"

Shinji flushed with sheer awkwardness, he didn't know what to do or say. Misato's chocolaty brown eyes stared at him with disbelief.

"…You would as well wouldn't you?! Jesus Shinji don't be so damn ridiculous!"

Shinji felt a sudden stab of fear in his stomach. Unwittingly Misatos' slight outburst had demolished his confidence and made him go back into his shell so to speak.

"I-I-I'm sorry ms Katsuragi ma'am! I didn't mean to upset you earlier, I just…I just…I-I'll just go now, I knew I shouldn't have agreed to this whole thing!" Shinji was totally distraught with himself, in a fit of panic he made for the door and like the clumsy prick he was, he stumbled on a wrinkle on the hallway rug and fell on his face embarrassing himself further.

"For crying out loud Shinji, get up!" droned Misato, rolling her eyes as she helped him to his feet. "I wasn't having a pop at you I'm just sick of this timid loser act. You don't have to wait around for me to give you orders, we're not at work. If you get bored then feel free to do whatever the hell you want, watch tv, play video games, make something to eat, have a go on the pc, spit off the balcony, anything!"

"…But, Ms Katsuragi."

"And that's another thing, drop the whole Ms Katsuragi thing, call me Misato, or Missy or Kat, or fat bitch, tank ass, Jupiter jugs, anything but Ms Katsuragi, it makes me feel old ok? So do me a favour and don't call me it!"

Shinji just stood motionless with his hands in his pockets; tears glinting in the corners of his sad little eyes.

"Ok Shinji?!"

Still he never answered.

"…Are you crying?"

"…No." answered Shinji with a quiver in his voice.

"Oh here we go again, what the hells your problem now?!" moaned Misato.

Feeling like utter crap, Shinji broke down into silent tears and stormed down the hallway.

"Oh shit…" sighed Misato rolling her tired eyes. "Shinji come back I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell!" But Shinji just ignored her and shut himself in his bedroom. This little prick had some serious issues.

Shinji anxiously paced back and forth in his room, angrily wiping at his tears.

Knock Knock! "…Shinji?" asked Misato opening the door slightly. "You all right dude?"

Shinji just sat on his bed, unable to look at her.

"…You gonna tell me what that was all about back there?"

"…It's just…oh never mind!" snivelled Shinji as a shit load of fresh tears rolled down his cheeks.

"No come on, tell me." asked Misato tenderly as she sat down next to him.

"…It just feels so cheeky living in your apartment, using your electricity and eating up your food…it makes me feel like crap ok!!!" croaked Shinji. "I don't wanna be a problem…"

Misato sighed loudly. "Shinji, you're starting to piss me off now, we went through this yesterday. You are not a problem and I want you here with me ok, I enjoy your company why can't you understand that?"

"…I dunno"

"Ok then, if your cost of living is bothering you so much then just pay me back in a few years when you're loaded, there, problem solved. Not that I care or anything."

Shinji just sat there looking at the floor; snivelling. "…it's not just that."

"Well what is it then, is it because I yelled at you?" asked Misato.

Shinji didn't need to answer, Misato had hit the nail on the head.

"Oh honey, you can't just crumble at the slightest hint of confrontation. People blow off steam, you have to learn how to take it and fight back. All through your life your gonna meet assholes, at church, at college, at school, at work, even in your retirement home when you have to piss through a tube! Like just a few minutes ago, I lost my temper for no good reason; if I ever get on your nerves then by all means, tell me to piss off! I admit it, sometimes I don't know when to shut the fuck up, I won't hold it against you!"

"…I can't do that, I'm...I'm not like that." sniffed Shinji. He was more or less incapable of malice; he's the type of person who wouldn't lay a finger on you, even if you got right in his face and told him to go shag his dead mother up her corn hole. He'd much rather skulk off somewhere and cry like a three year old girl…Actually no, that's unfair to little girls as they most likely posses more balls then Shinji could ever hope to have. He was just a pussy.

"Come here you silly boy!" sighed Misato, wrapping her arms around him. "You are welcome here, this is your home. You may think I'm being a rough bitch but I just want you to be able to take care of yourself. You can't be so submissive or people will grind you into the dust.

"I don't know how to be tough though"

"It's not about being tough Shinji it's about having self respect, even a rat will bear its teeth when cornered."

"Oh well, thank you very much Misato that makes me feel much better!"

"…ok scratch that. If you want I'll teach you how to be tough? There's nothing to it, it's all about confidence." Misato stood to her feet and cleared her throat. "Right, come over here and stand in front of me, pretend that I've just insulted you."

"…errr…o-ok?...w-what do I do?"

"Just insult me back, gimmie all you got and make it savage." beckoned Misato.

"Savage, ok then I'll try…you're not gonna get mad are you?"

"Am I heck! Come on bring it on!"

"Allright, man I feel stupid…" mumbled Shinji pausing to think of some insults "Now you see here errrr…errrr woman! Y-you better get out of my f-face before i…g-get the police on you and stuff?"

Misato sighed with total despair; it was by far the gayest thing she had ever heard…

"Shinji, I said savage, not tea sipping old lady from Victorian upper class society. Hmmmm Perhaps we need to build up to real life adversaries?" said Misato observing the full length dress mirror on the back of the bedroom door "I know, come over here in front of the mirror. Watch and learn kid, THIS is how you do it"

Misato cracked her knuckles and loosened her neck in preparation for the torrent of filth.

"YO ASSHOLE! Get out my face before I wipe the god damn street with ya!"

Shinji smirked with awe as the purple haired psycho screamed at her own reflection.

"There now you try"

"Ok, I'll give it a shot…" said Shinji trying to psych himself up. He stood firm in front of the mirror and observed his pathetic reflection. It was the perfect motivation for rage; Shinji couldn't fucking stand himself. "Hey g-gayboy, you better scram before I beat you up!"

"Yeah! That's much better! Don't be afraid to use the f word though." advised Misato. Shinji grinned and turned to face the mirror once more.

"You're the biggest loser I've ever seen! KISS MY ASS!!!"

"Allright Shinji my man! That's what I'm talking about, here let me have another go!" said Misato shoving Shinji out of the way of the mirror.

"I'm gonna smash you're teeth in you cock sucking, shit eating dick head!!!!"

"And then I'm gonna kick your face in!" shouted Shinji, joining in once more in a poor attempt to be tough.

"THEN I'M GONNA SUCK YOUR BRAIN OUTTA YOUR NOSE AND THERE'LL BE BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!!" Misato screamed the latter so loud her voice cracked. Crazy bitch…she always has to go over the top.

After several more raucous minutes of insulting their reflections, Shinji and Misato collapsed on the bed howling with laughter like a couple of caffeine drunk kids. Thanks to Misato's unique brand of psychology, Shinji's anger and depression had vanished in a tirade of swears and insults. She was like the best parts of every family member rolled into one, she had the watchful eye and firm leadership of a father combined with the patience and tenderness of a mother, but with all the boisterous camaraderie of a big brother. From Shinji's point of view she was the best thing since sliced bread, but technically (that is in the eyes of the law) Misato would qualify as the worst parent in the world, what with her disgusting language, drinking problem and not to mention her deadly habit of leaving loaded military grade firearms around the apartment. If Shinji was her real child then social services would have a fucking hay day!

"Oh man! Woooo! Nothing makes me feel better then having a good scream!"

"Yeah, I feel sort of…clean inside! If you now what I mean?" smiled Shinji.

"Venting anger is very important, if I didn't swear or lash out then life would have sent me insane by now!" said Misato putting her arms behind her head. Both quietened and silently stared at the ceiling.

"…I should have said something back to that guy today." commented Shinji.

"Yeah well don't worry; you'll have plenty of chances to stand up for yourself now that you work for Nerv. Trust me on that! Everyone's out to screw everyone else in that place."

"I should have yelled back but I was scared that he was gonna get out the truck and kick my head in"

"Cuts and bruises are temporary Shinji, pride is eternal."

"That's easy for you to say, you're a girl and men can't hit girls." mumbled Shinji.

Misato looked slightly offended. "The reason why no man will ever hit me is because they know they'll get a king size foot up their ass!" laughed Misato.

"Yeah right, when my dad grabbed your arm today you were all like '_Oh please don't hurt me commander Ikari I'll do whatever you say!!_' mimicked Shinji.

"That's different He's my boss! If I had laid a finger on him I'd probably get death by lethal injection" protested Misato. "Besides, I totally annihilated that moron in the truck, he was scared shitless of me"

"Yeah only because you had a gun." smirked Shinji.

Misato sat up, looking very cross.

"Oh, getting brave now are we tough guy? Ok then mister put up yer dukes!"

"…w-what?"

"You're practically calling me a pussy, so let's rumble tough stuff!"

"Nah i don't fight girls…" said Shinji as if she wasn't a challenge.

"Well I'm gonna fight you, so you better defend yourself big man!" Quick as a flash Misato leapt on Shinji.

"MISATO NO!"

Already Misato had gained the upper hand. She had pinned Shinji down and leaned in real close so her boobs were smooshing into his chest. How humiliating, he was getting totally pwned by a fucking girl. "What's the matter, cant win against a frail old lady?!"

"Get off! I'm warning you"

"Or else?"

Shinji growled with frustration and desperately wriggled to get free, suddenly he had an idea. "Owwww, jesus, my back just clicked, please get off! My back really hurts, im not kidding PLEASE GET OFF!!!"

Misato smiled and squinted with scepticism over the near convincing claim.

"You're back hurts huh?…You little bullshitter, I don't believe you!" she smiled.

Shinji sucked in a deep breath and screamed with all his power to help authenticate his piss poor act. Surprisingly it worked, slightly disgusted at his frailness she loosened her grip. "Ok ok no need to bawl, I was only playing around…" as soon as Misato let go of his hands, Shinji laughed with triumph and tackled Misato onto her back; pinning her hands down to the mattress.

"HA HA! I've got you now!"

Misato grinned at the sneaky little bastards' trick, but unfortunately for him, she had a few tricks of her own. Misato wrapped her legs around Shinji's waist and howled with what seemed to be genuine sexual pleasure.

"OOOOoooo Shinji baby! If that's how you felt about me then why didn't you just say, you don't have to trick me to get me on my back! Ooooh man I haven't had a good seeing to in soooo long!!!" smiled Misato, biting her lip with a naughty giggle.

Shinji froze, the triumphant smile slowly vanished as he looked down at Misato; her long dark hair sprawled out over the sheets, with her heaving tits moving up and down with every breath. The whole act was so convincing, Shinji actually believed that he was more or less on the verge of losing his virginity. He shivered with excitement, finally, this time he was gonna do it with an actual woman and not just his hand! AWSOME!!!

"HA HA! Got ya!" In a knot of twisted sheets and blankets, Misato managed to get Shinji on his back once more; laughing loudly. "Sorry kiddo, nice try but no cigar!"

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!!" yelled Shinji, pissed off that he fell for such an obvious female ploy. LOL! As if any girl would do it with Shinji 'one inch' Ikari, bless his heart.

"Well that's sort of my point, there are no rules on the street remember?"

"Let me up!" demanded Shinji.

"Only if you promise to be more assertive from now on."

"Ok I promise"

Misato relinquished her grip and stood to her feet with a snigger. "We'll work on your insults a bit more tomorrow, and once you've learnt how to use your mouth, I'll teach you how to use your fists"

"Yeah, Thanks mom." Shinji gasped and instantly covered his mouth. Have you ever called a teacher mom in front of an entire class before? Remember the horrid (Wish you could end your life) feeling in you're stomach? Well Shinji felt like that only a million times worse, with shit on top. It was just one fuck up after another with this kid.

Misato's heart melted, she had never been called Mom before, and she never thought she ever would.

"Did…did you just call me mom" asked Misato, immensely flattered.

"I'm sorry Misato it just slipped out!" panicked Shinji.

"Well, I guess I am sort of your mom for the next few years, so you can call me it if you like"

"Errr…n-no it's ok…i-it was just an accident, I got a mom…she's just dead, sort of…here, I got a picture of her" Shinji reached in to his back pack and removed a small framed photograph. "Her name is Yui"

Misato frowned and snorted slightly. Part of her really liked the idea of being his mother, but naturally she acted like she didn't give a toss.

"Ok, suit yourself. Anyway, I'm off to bed now, dinners' at five, and if you want to do something then do it, there are no rules in this house understand?!"

"…Yeah" smiled Shinji.

"Yeah!?" echoed Misato, repeating the word and imbuing it with mockery. "Say fuck yes, like a man!!"

"…F-fuck yes?"

"With balls Shinji"

"Fuck yes!"

"Good, now give me a kiss…" smiled Misato presenting her cheek.

"…no thank you." mumbled Shinji.

"I told you to give me a kiss, we'll wait all day if we have to."

Shinji rolled his eyes and moved in close, he hesitated momentarily but proceeded to kiss her, it lasted about half a second but still, it felt really cool that he actually got to kiss a girl (and a hot one at that) with out being called a sex pervert.

"There now, that wasn't half as shit as you'd thought was it?" smirked Misato. "If you ever want to practise kissing Shinji then don't hesitate to ask. I'll even show you a few advanced techniques like frenching and lip biting, trust me I know all the tricks" said Misato with a wink. "You're gonna need to know this stuff if you wanna land a shit hot girlfriend, after all you're starting school next week and some of those babes are hardcore!"

Shinji laughed with amusement and smiled. "Thanks for letting me stay here Misato…thank you for everything."

"Your very welcome young man, It's me and you against the world!...oh and Pen pen I suppose…" just as Misato was leaving the room, she stopped in the doorway and faced Shinji looking quite serious.

"And remember, next time anyone tries to dis you, keep this in mind, you work for Nerv therefore you are above the law. So don't take any shit off anyone."

Shinji smiled and nodded.

"Oh Shinji would you mind doing me a favour?" asked Misato, looking at her watch "Could you wake me up at 5:00pm? I would set my alarm clock but I'll just end up throwing the bastard thing outta the window and sleeping in the rest of the day, oh and put the shopping away."

"Sure, I can do that."

"Good boy, I'll get a few hours rest then I suppose we better get on with all that horrible cleaning…" droned Misato as she left the room, obviously she wasn't much of a house keeper...in fact she was a fucking pig. Shinji suddenly figured out how he could repay Misato's hospitality; the cleaning! He'd have the whole place spic'n span by the time the lazy bint woke up.

"_I cant wait to see her face when she wakes up! She'll be so impressed…she might even give me a hug and I'll get to feel her boobs again!!" _thought Shinji bubbling with excitement. _Sigh…_What a prick.


	8. Chapter 8

**He's not my boyfriend at that time of the month**

Shinji observed the rubbish dump of a living room and started to have second thoughts about cleaning up. This was no cake walk; cleaning up the Sahara with a pair of tweezers seemed like a piece of piss by comparison.

Misato was such a lazy madam when it came to cleaning, too many years of living like an ale swilling bachelorette had taken its toll on the place. Beer cans and candy wrappers had been thrown on the floor with out a second thought, the cracks in the sofa cushions were stuffed full of crumbs, forks and old remotes from forgotten appliances, glasses and mugs were left on the coffee table caked with sludge and dust, laundry was slung over the back of the sofa and chairs, the place was a grade A shit hole!

How could she own her own place and not keep it clean? It's not like she was one of those fat ass trailer trash moms, living off the state with fifty thousand kids to pick up after. It just didn't compute. Get a load of this, she had a state of the art dish washer worth 2k at least, yet the kitchen sink was stacked full of shitty plates… seriously, wtf was wrong with her??? All she had to do was press a god damn button!!!

Obviously Nerv's head honchos had no clue that her home was so messy, they just assumed the place would but nice and tidy because she had a vagina. Unfortunately those days are long gone; chicks don't do housework anymore, they just spend your money and get fat.

"Well, time to get started I guess…"

After bagging up all the garbage and putting a stack of plates in the dish washer, Shinji decided to have a break and get off his feet. He slumped on to the sofa with a satisfied sigh. He looked around the room and smiled; putting his feet up on the coffee table. He'd never got to be the man of a house before, it felt wonderful. The idea of him and Misato living together seemed so natural, after all no woman can possibly live with out a man, right? I mean come on, it's in the bible or something. I mean, how else was Misato supposed to open jars and shoo spider's outta the bath tub with out him?

Another hour or so had passed and Shinji had pretty much finished de-crapifying the place; he made a kick ass job of it too, he folded her laundry into neat stacks, put the dishes away, wiped down all the surfaces, in short he gave the place a crap-ectomy.

What an ordeal, Shinji was totally knackered, but finally, it was done.

"Whew at last…4:58 just in time" sighed Shinji looking at his watch. He checked the place over one last time and stepped out into the hall with an excited giggle.

"I cant wait till she sees!" thought Shinji as he knocked on Misato's bedroom door.

No answer came.

"Misato? It's five o'clock, time to get up…" smirked Shinji, carefully opening the door and peeking inside. He saw Misato sprawled out on a futon.

"…Misato!?" Shinji started to get a horrid feeling, the messy bitch was totally comatose.

"_Oh man, please don't make me wake you up!_" Shinji carefully stepped into the room, in comparison to the rest of the apartment it was quite neat…go figure. Shinji carefully made his way over to the futon as if he was walking through a minefield. He had a quick scan of the room, most of her stuff was typical of a young woman, there was an arrangement of plush toys, designer shoe boxes stacked near the closet, hair straightening irons, you know, girl shit.

There was even a Barbie doll that had been modified to look like Ritsuko sitting on her dresser, it had a mole on it's cheek and everything; pins had been driven through the eyes, Shinji sniggered slightly and shook his head. Amongst the laundry and clutter he noticed a few small framed photographs displayed on a bookshelf. They were your average, everyday snap shots one might find around yer mates house. One was of Misato's graduation when she was 22, she hadn't changed much since, she was still a shit hot babe from the planet big tits. Another was of her and Ritsuko participating in a shot drinking tournament in a night club with a few other pals from work. There was another picture of a middle aged man with a small girl sitting on his shoulders, it took a moment but it finally clicked, it was Misato and her dad. Suddenly Shinji froze as he observed the next photo. Once again Misato was in the picture, but she wasn't with family or friends, she was Frenching some long haired faggot with a ponytail!

"What?" gasped Shinji, totally blown away. He knew deep down that a girl as pretty as Misato must have had some sort of relationship in the past, in fact she had been around the block more times then the ice cream man in summer, you'd have to be a total imbecile to think she was a virgin. Shinji was shell shocked, he could handle her sexy banter no sweat, but actually seeing her perform something as intimate as a kiss with what was clearly a 'superior male' made him feel shite. Shinji couldn't understand why he felt like it, he only knew her for one day, but in that short time he had bonded with her immensely, the poor lad couldn't help but feel protective…it's a guy thing. For an instant, he felt a prick of hatred for Misato, but decided it was more akin to jealousy, either way, NOT COOL! How dare she have a boyfriend! And after he did all that cleaning too!

Shinji was far to busy being angry to watch where he was going, the clumsy little bastard stumbled on a pair of crumpled up jeans and fell right on top of Misato, jarring her from a deep sleep.

"_OH SHIT!!!_" hissed Shinji.

"…hey sweetie, come to keep me company?"

Shinji stood up instantly "I FELL!"

"You mucky little sex monster, every time we meet you end up on top of me!" laughed Misato. She sat up and stretched powerfully, her body shivering with ecstasy as she arched her back.

"But I really did Fall!"

"Yeah right, any excuse to cop a feel huh Shinji? she yawned.

"NO! Now you listen here, I fell over, and do you know why? Because you left your friggin laundry strewn all over the floor!"

"Ah nice! You stood up for yourself, your coming on just fine." Misato wearily stood to her feet. "Speaking of laundry, we better crack on with the house work…"

Shinji was so jealous and flustered he had almost forgotten he did all the house work, in a way he wished he never bothered.

"…………….." Misato stopped dead as she observed her now clean living room, she walked out and re entered as if she was seeing things. "…fuck man; don't tell me you did this all by yourself?"

"…Yep" mumbled Shinji, blushing brightly. "I did it for you, to; you know…pay you back…"

Misato smiled warmly and knelt down, with open arms. "Come' ere…"

"Nah it's ok, we're even now…" smirked Shinji.

"No…you aint getting out of it, so get your ass over here and give me a big fat hug…I'm waiting…Don't make me chase you Shinji…you know I will…LAST CHANCE!"

Shinji's cheeks burned with embarrassment but nonetheless, he relented and moved into Misatos arms. She quickly clasped her arms around him and for a minute Shinji thought she was gonna squeeze him to death.

"You wonderful, amazing, fantastic child! Thank you so much!" exclaimed Misato, kissing him on the cheek several times in rapid succession.

"Yeah, no prob…" mumbled Shinji, wondering how many other guys she had kissed.

_Elsewhere…_

Ritsuko was relaxing in her office, whittling the last few minutes of her shift away by perusing designer handbags on the internet, when suddenly her phone begun to ring.

"Oh for Christ's sake, someone always wants something just as you're going out the door." whined Ritsuko. "Good afternoon Dr Akagi speaking."

"Hi Ritsuko, it's me"

"Who's me? Be specific please."

"errrr it's Hyuga…we've been working together for the past ten years or so?"

"Oh right sorry Hyuga, what can I help you with?"

"I was just wondering if you knew where Misato is? I rang her office but her secretary told me she wasn't around."

"Let me guess, she never showed up for lunch?"

"Yeah, I'm sure she just forgot, I just wanted to make sure she wasn't in an accident or something."

There was a slight pause. Ritsuko smiled evilly, her brilliant mind quickly realised the potential for an awesome practical joke. "_I'm gonna really wind her up with this one_…Yeah man, I'm afraid she couldn't make it, she has to care for Shinji and her time is very hard pressed, you know how it is?"

"…Oh" droned Hyuga.

"Don't worry though, Misato suspected you'd ring, so she told me to tell you that she will go out with you next Monday evening, she said you can choose where…"

"Really?! Why Monday, wouldn't this weekend be better?"

"Nah man, me and Misato are working all weekend, Shinji has his pilot induction training there's gonna be tests and loads of other shit going on"

"Oh yeah, thanks Ritsuko, I'll get in touch with her later on then!"

"I'm sure you will" smirked Ritsuko on the verge of cracking up.

"Bye!"

"Ta Taa!…"

Ritsuko hung up. "There, that should be a laff."

The weekend was long and dull; On Saturday Shinji had to watch a seven hour long health and safety video in a dark empty room with several other new Nerv members, everyone who worked at Nerv had to watch it. A hot 18 year old girl applying for a receptionist job had to watch it too. It was the most boring thing he had ever endured; it was an in-depth guide on the correct procedure to follow in case of fires, earthquakes, terrorist threats blah blah blah. When you lot grow up and get jobs you'll go through all this health and safety crap as well, even if you end up working at Burger King you have to go through it, a paper cut is treated like terminal cancer these days. Bloody lawyers. If there ever was a life threatening emergency Shinji would most likely forget what the video instructed, and copy what everyone else would do. Shit himself.

On Sunday things got worse, he had to go back to central dogma to have a very embarrassing medical, Ritsuko saw him naked and even worse; had to ask him for a semen sample, Shinji recalled the look of amusement on her face as he handed over the less then generous sample, god knows what they wanted it for, just as well he didn't bother asking. Apart from being underweight by ten pounds, he was a normal healthy boy.

After that he had to sit a three hour intelligence test, which was rather ironic since anyone who possessed an ounce of intelligence would most likely not work for nerve in the first damn place, surely the part where Nerv make you sign a waver that indemnifies them against legal action (should you get turned into puree by a rampaging alien monster) could prove ones intelligence more then any test. You'd have a better chance of survival playing Russian roulette with all six chambers loaded then working as an Eva pilot, but no one was gonna tell him that.

_In the canteen…_

"Well good news Shinji, you've adequately passed all our exams, you did better then I thought on your Intelligence test." said Ritsuko removing her spectacles. "78% out of a 100 isn't too bad"

"What did the other pilots get, I'm not the dumbest am I?" asked Shinji holding his cocoa with both hands.

"Don't be so negative, you're not the dumbest; you're just not the brightest. Rei got 81% and Asuka got 96%" answered Ritsuko taking a big bite of her Danish.

"…So I am the dumbest."

"Nah, that doesn't mean you're gonna be a crap pilot, it's just a test to see if you can cope with the theoretical part of you're training. Besides, girls generally do better then boys on academic tests." She said, spraying crumbs all over the place.

"Did you have to take it?"

"Please honey, I designed the test"

A load bang sounded from the corner of the room "Damn thing! This fucking coffee machine just robbed me!" Misato yelled to no one in particular.

Ritsuko looked at Shinji and smiled. "See kid, count you're blessings, some people get out-smarted by vending machines."

Misato came over to their table and sat her ass down, pissed. "I don't believe that, I just put in a twenty and nothing happened!"

"Like they say, a fool and her money will always be parted." said Ritsuko, purposely goading her.

"I swear Ritsuko, DO NOT mess with me right now, ok, I am trained to kill remember."

"The only thing you've ever killed is you're brain cells."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"What do you want it to mean?" smirked Ritsuko.

"If you're calling me an alcoholic then I'll spit roast your cats and feed'em to ya!"

"Yeah right, you'll probably get drunk and forget, anyway Shinji, are you ready to see the Eva's?"

Shinji nodded.

"Then prepare to be amazed, come with me."

Ritsuko and Shinji got up and left.

"Seriously, a twenty!" despaired Misato following them out of the busy room.

As usual, the whole Geofront was buzzing with activity, especially on approach to the giant silo's where the Eva's were housed. There were six in total.

"This is where both yours and Rei's Eva's are kept Shinji"

"…wow, it's huge!"

"Are you talking about Ritsuko's ego, or the silo?" smirked Misato.

"No we're talking about your butt actually" retorted Ritsuko.

"For your information, my ass is awesome!"

"Correction, awesomely huge."

"You don't know what you're talking about Ritsuko, my ass is worshiped in this town!"

"Ha! I'm not disputing that, after all you've had more pricks then a pin cushion!"

Misato lost her temper once again. "DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME A SLUT! ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR TRACK RECORD!!!"

Shinji walked away from the escalating argument, entranced; staring up in trepidation at the towering cylindrical structure. It was scary enough hearing about the Eva's but this was terrifying.

"_It's ok, You can cope…if Rei can, you can…"_

For the remainder of the day Shinji was being familiarized with his new Eva, he was taken up to the top of the silo and was introduced face-to-face.

"I know what you're thinking Shinji…it looks like Misato the morning after a night on the town, but it's the most logical design."

"HEY!" yelled Misato raising her fist. "One more word Ristuko…just-one-more-word"

"So what do you think?"

"…ckin hell!…It looks like its floating in pee." commented Shinji.

Ritsuko felt sort of insulted. All those years she spent designing and building these multi-billion dollar biomechanical saviours and that's all he had to say…he could have at least said it was cool.

"It's not pee Shinji. It's LCL; think of it as a synthetic amniotic fluid."

"What?"

"…Never mind." said Ritsuko, forgetting that not everyone was a genius. "All you need to focus on is how to pilot the Eva."

"When do I start training?"

"Monday evening after school."

"What?! So I have to go to school AND do all this training?"

"Don't worry, you'll soon get used to it."

"But that's too hard!" moaned Shinji.

"Yep, it is hard, but Rei copes pretty well and she's got aunt Flo to deal with so imagine how she feels." smirked Ritsuko.  
Shinji clammed up and started to blush.

Monday morning rolled around, and Shinji had been up since the crack of dawn. He was so anxious about his first day at school he dry vomited into the toilet three times. Cold morning air from the bathroom window filled his lungs and made him shiver with sickness.

"I've got a chance for a fresh start, I can't screw this up!" thought Shinji. He starred into the bathroom mirror and practiced some "cool" body language. Shinji smiled and undone the top button on his shirt, but decided it looked kinda gay so he did it back up.

"…Oh my god! You look soooo cute in that uniform!"

Shinji jumped with shock, he turned to see Misato standing in the doorway. "Jesus! you almost gave me a heart attack!"

"What are you doing in here anyway?"

"None of you're business Misato!"

"Practicing cool shit to say to all your lady friends huh? Here's a tip for breaking the ice, stick some rolled up socks down your pants, chicks dig a guy with a nice big chopper."

"OH GOD! Spare me your advice, please Misato. I'll be happy if they think I'm just normal, never mind cool!"

Misato sniggered "You sir, are paranoid. Be yourself and you'll be fine"

"Yeah right, that'll work…" said Shinji, rolling his eyes sarcastically.

"Shinji, Stop putting yourself down or I'll bang you one, anyway we better get going, we don't want to keep all those horny chicks waiting."

Shinji took a final look in the mirror.

"_Please let this go well"_

Just as Shinji and Misato were locking up, the front door of the apartment across the corridor from theirs opened.

"Good morning party people and how are we today?"

"Dr Akagi?!" gasped Shinji. "You live here too?!"

"…Live here? Nah man, I just rent this place out to grow my weed in, the walls are well insulated so it's just as good as a greenhouse."

"Just ignore her Shinji, she's full of shit"

"He knows I'm joking, don't ya Shinji!?" smirked Ritsuko.

He nodded, even though he believed her.

"See. Why didn't you tell him I lived here anyway?"

"You're kidding right? He's scared enough as it is, the last thing he needs to know is that you live across the hall, god it's enough to give anyone nightmares." sneered Misato as she locked the door. "Where are you off to anyway?"

"Work, unlike some lazy purple haired big mouthed layabout's around here" smiled Ritsuko, also locking her door.

"…I'm sorry what was that?! I'll have you know that being a legal guardian is a lot of hard work!"

"Oh come off it! I bet all you've done is sit on your ass drinking"

Shinji rolled his eyes as another silly argument erupted, usually he'd watch with amusement but the little nerd was more concerned about getting to school on time. He walked to the end of the corridor and pushed the button to summon the elevator.

"Come on Misato we're gonna be late!" whined Shinji, stepping inside.

"Hold yer horses for a minute! Dr big mouth here thinks I'm lazy, and I won't let it drop"

"Face it Misato, you're a big fat slob, you drink too much you eat crap and your shit tip apartment looks like down town Baghdad after a visit from the US Airforce!"

"Oh yeah, well you wanna know what I think, you're jealous that I'm prettier then you, I live like a pig and I still look ten times better then you, and you cant stand it!"

"Really? Well you wanna know what I think?" answered Ritsuko.

"What!?" challenged Misato.

"I think your gonna have to take the stairs!…" Ritsuko burst into a sprint and raced towards the Elevator. Somehow she managed to run in heels. Misato suddenly realised what she meant and gave chase.

"DON'T YOU DARE!"

But it was too late, Ritsuko leapt into the Elevator just in time to wave mockingly and press the ground floor button, Misato shrieked with anger and flying kicked the elevator doors with pure rage.

"Oh my god, I get her every time!" laughed Ritsuko. "I've done that to her at least ten times this year!"

"She's gonna be real mad…" sniggered Shinji.

"Oh that's nothing, just wait till she checks her answering machine later…"

"Why, what have you done this time?"

"You'll see…she'll go nuclear when she finds out!" sniggered Ritsuko.

"You know what, I don't want to know." smiled Shinji.

There was a bit of an awkward silence.

"…so errr, how long have you been living here?"

"Ugh! Too long, Misato's not exactly a model neighbour"

"…not that I care or anything, but…d-does she ever have guys back to her place?" asked Shinji, flushing slightly.

Ritsuko looked at him quizzically. "…Why do you ask?"

"No reason!" answered Shinji a little too quick, she stared at him intensely "_Oh shit, she can read my mind! Why did you ask that you stupid little dick!"_

Ritsuko knew exactly why he asked. At some point over the past few days he'd found out about Kaji, Misato's ex-lover. Shinji liked Misato in more ways then one, it was obvious, and the thought of her fooling around with some guy caused him great discomfort. Guys are possessive bastards, especially with girls; girls are no different from their playstations, they are personal belongings, nothing more, and Shinji was no different. In actuality, through out the course of her life Misato had her fair share of relationships, not to mention heartbreak. Back in college, rarely a week passed with out her throwing herself at some guy. All of them were the same, they were only too happy to live off her, take her money, eat her food and have the odd shag here or there. Usually it only took one phrase 'I love you' and she'd buy it. Then one day out of the blue, she met Kaji. He was a handsome, young, intelligent go getter with a great body, she honestly thought the sun shone out of his perfectly toned ass. Ritsuko remembered her saying "He's the one, I know it!" she spent hours yakking on and on about her dream wedding, she even discussed kids names, nothing seemed to be able to bring her down…but then, it happened, for seemingly no reason, he left her. He literally dropped her like a ton of shit with out as much as a goodbye note. Soon after, she fell back into her old habits, but Ritsuko couldn't tell him all that, it was far too much to go into, plus Shinji was far too young to understand how complicated loneliness can be; it makes people do strange and silly things. Instead she decided to spare his feelings and tell him exactly what he wanted to hear.

"Shinji get real, who'd have that! She's a total psycho, her temper is enough to drive anyone away, not to mention she lives like a pig, she's immature, stubborn, plus she's an alcoholic. Most sane guys are scared of her, I know I would be!" laughed Ritsuko.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. I doubt she'll ever find anyone…she's always been a bit of a lone wolf."

Shinji sighed with relief and smiled warmly, Ritsuko felt troubled, she knew at some point in the near future Shinji's heart would be broken, it was only a matter of time before Kaji would show up again, after all he worked for Nerv as well, and that smooth bastard would be trying his damndest to get back in her knickers, he was a womanizer plain and simple. Kaji always did have a way with words, it was no wonder Nerv was utilizing his skills as a political diplomat; this guy could sell sand to an Arab.

Finally the elevator bell pinged and the doors opened.

"Anyway, must be off, tell fat-ass I'll drop in later for a coffee and some girly talk, let me know how your day went, and make sure you pay attention in class or you'll end up like Misato!"

"Bye Dr Akagi, see you later"

"Bye Shinji, and call me Ritsuko!"

Shinji could hear the sound of heavy footsteps. Misato raced down the staircase jumping the last few steps, she frantically searched the lobby with her fist clenched.

"…Your too late Misato, she's gone."

"THAT BITCH! Twenty-three fucking floors!" panted Misato angrily.

In the car Misato was still angry; you could tell by the way she was driving.

"That big fat lesbian! I'll get her back I swear!"

Shinji ignored her rants and looked out the window. He noticed that everything in town had a bible related name, streets, freeways, parks, libraries, government buildings; he figured it probably had something to do with the whole angel thing.

"Hey Misato, what's with all the biblical names in this city, is it something to do with the angles?"

"Yeah man, the planners and architects deemed it appropriate…hey, you wanna hear something funny"

"Go on then."

"This city has been designed to vanquish the **angel's** right?" asked Misato.

"Yeah so?"

"So, guess what the cities baseball team is called…"

"I give up…"

"The T-3 devils…Heh heh! The moron who gave them that name never knew how clever he was.

After five minutes or so the school came in to view.

"Errr thanks for the ride Misato, just here will be great."

"Don't be silly, I'll take ya straight to the front door." The entrance was crowded with rowdy students, both potential friends and enemies alike.

"No its ok I'll get out here."

"It's no prob really Shinji"

"I understand where you're coming from but I'd really appreciate it if you dropped me off here!" begged Shinji, hoping she'd get the hint.

"Not possible, it's orders"

"What do you mean orders, the school gates are only ten meters away, what could possibly happen!" whined Shinji.

"I know what this is about, I was fourteen once too ya know!?" smirked Misato, playfully ruffling his hair. "I'm not gonna embarrass you Shinji I promise; besides I'm legally obliged to make sure you enter the school safe and sound." Shinji was once again drawn to the semi auto pistol, glinting menacingly in the morning sun from under her jacket. An unsettling thought crossed his mind. Was she carrying that gun for his protection? If the situation called for it, was she ordered to incapacitate or kill anyone who made an attempt on his safety?…just the thing you wanna think of on your first day of school huh?

"…Great, just great" moaned Shinji slumping his head against the window.

Misato pulled right up to the flight of long, flat concrete steps which led up to the main entrance. The building was encased in dazzling white plaster, shining gloriously in the morning sun. Brick flower beds lined the stairs all the way to the top, brimming with colourful flowers and shrubs. Shinji could see Rei was waiting at the top amongst the scores of other students. It looked nice, as far as schools go anyway…but then again it could just be a turd rolled in glitter, posh schools can be just as crappy if not worse then regular ones.

"Now then, have you got your Nerv ID incase of an emergency?" asked Misato.

"Yes…"

"Your class time table?"

"Yes…"

"House key?"  
"Yes…"

"Cell phone?"

"Yes…"

"pencil case?"

"Yes…"

"Condoms?…"

"Ye…w-wait what!?"

"Got'cha!"

Shinji gave her a disgusted grunt and opened the car door; stepping out.

"But seriously, have you got my home number?"

"For god sake yes I've got everything!" moaned Shinji, pissed off at the multitude of 'mom' questions. He slammed the car door and took a deep breath.

Misato rolled down the window. "Good, I'll be waiting for you right here at 3:00pm have fun and pay attention!"

"Yeah thanks…" said Shinji staring up at his new school.

"Hey!" barked Misato from inside the car. "What am I a friggin mirage? Where the hell's my kiss!?..."

"SHHHHHH! Jesus Christ keep your voice down!" hissed Shinji quickly huddling his torso through the car window, he leaned across the passenger seat and gave Misato a quick kiss on the cheek.

"There, now go, please!"

"Awww I'll miss you too, see you later my little scholar!" smiled Misato.

"Ok, thanks, terrific, goodbye!" Shinji once again looked at his new school with anxiety.

"Here goes nothing…" gulped Shinji, walking to the foot of the stairs. No sooner then laying his foot on the first step, the car window went down and Misato called out to him again.

"YOO-HOO! SHINJI HONEY! YOU FORGOT YOUR LUNCH MY LOVELY DARLING!"

"Will you just go already!" spat Shinji mortified.

Misato pretended not to hear and got out the car. She slowly walked over to Shinji in that slinky sort of cat-walk-way that some girls do. All around teenage boys were pointing and smiling at the slender goddess, she enjoyed flaunting her good looks.

"Here you go my poppet" she leaned in and gave Shinji a kiss on the cheek that lasted four or five seconds "_There we go, that should help your image a bit, _Have a good day, ciao for now hunny muff!"

"Y-yeah, thanks…_hunny muff?!_"

"Talk about a fucking milf!" sneered an unknown voice.

"She's not my mom!" yelled Shinji not sure who he was talking to.

Misato blew a kiss from her car and finally, drove away.

At last he was alone. He climbed the stairs, surrounded on all sides by the usual school yard antics. All around he could here laughing and jeering, a couple of fights were going on, some kid was burning a text book, a few of them were doing stupidly dangerous skateboard tricks and recording the inevitable accidents on cell phones, no doubt they would post it up on some gay little social networking site in a poor attempt to be cool; don't you just hate those fags, that 'jack-ass' shit is soooo 2003!

Basically, it was like any other shit hole school he'd been to. Then, the unavoidable happened…

"Out of my way gay-wad!" sneered an unknown boy, shoving Shinji to one side. Shinji was outraged, it was his first day and already some asshole was picking on him for no reason. Shinji remembered the fat-ass truck driver who insulted him, and how he did nothing, he felt angry. Maybe it was because Rei was watching or perhaps it was a lifetime of humiliation, whatever the reason something snapped inside. Enough was enough….

"What the hells your problem?!" growled Shinji.

The stranger turned his head. "Fuck you, that's what!"

"No, fuck you!" Shinji couldn't believe what he just said; he was half a second away from apologising and begging for mercy when…

"…asshole" the stranger walked on, defeated???.....

Shinji felt his heart race and his cheeks flush with triumph, he wanted to laugh with joy. He suddenly realised he looked like a weirdo just standing there and decided to move on up the stairs.

"Hey Rei!" chirped Shinji full of courage.

"Hey Ikari, what was that all about just then?" smirked Rei.

"Oh nothing, some fag tried talking shit to me, that's all…but he got the message." swaggered Shinji.

Rei instantly turned her back to him and raised her hands to her mouth, once again he managed to achieve the impossible and make her laugh. He couldn't be more full of shit if he tried! The sheer bravado was pathetically hilarious, but Rei managed to keep her composure. She turned back to face him, her cheeks slightly red.

"That happens a lot around here…well I guess I should show you around…" squeaked Rei, shuddering with suppressed laughter.

Shinji was too high on his own bullshit to realise how gay he just made himself look, and followed her.

It seemed his first day was gonna go well after all…

_Elsewhere on campus…_

Kensuke Ida and Toji Suzahara were best friends, they were by far the biggest losers in school; certified dicks of the highest rank and calibre. Every school has'em, those freaky, semi-homo kids who constantly hang out with each other. None of the other kids wanted to know them and here's why. Kensuke was a skinny, military obsessed geek, every time a fucking plane or helicopter passed overhead he could instantly tell you the name, model and a brief history lesson on the aircrafts origins and capabilities, that's how bloody lame he was. He had always been a bit of a reclusive weirdo, one time he got suspended for posting a video of himself on the internet stating that he was gonna come into school and kill everyone with his dads assault rifle, everyone thought he was a fucking freak ever since. Then there was, Toji. He was a big, aggressive, girl crazy show off, he was always getting in trouble for raising his fists, usually for the most pettiest of reasons. He was tough, but not that cool kind of tough, he was just an ill tempered moron with daddy issues who felt the need to lash out at the world, and talk about dumb, this guy was a total retard, he genuinely believed that Philosophy was the study of guys called Phil…was it any wonder everyone thought they were weirdo's, perhaps that's why they got on so well?

"Dude, my dad is a total asshole; he says I can't join the army until I finish college…" bitched Kensuke.

"Who gives a shit what your old man says, just tell him your signing up the second you get outta this dump…my grades are shit so I'll have to join, at least you get the choice." grumbled Toji, spreading out on the grass.

"I cant, he'll make sure I won't join…he's a major in the JSSDF, he's got friends in high places…"

"Why the hell do you wanna join so bad?! It's not like Rambo you know, army life totally sucks ass, you have to get up early, run miles and miles in the cold wet mud, the food's shit, there's no girls, well, no straight good looking ones, plus you could get your head blown off, and for what, 15k a year if yer lucky!"

"I just do ok" mumbled Kensuke putting his hands behind his head. "Anyway, it can't be as lame as what you wanna be!"

"Ha! I'm gonna be a porn star, not some loser army guy!" smirked Toji looking up at the sky. "Just imagine it, all those girls, all that money…now that's a fucking job, literally!"

Kensuke erupted into a fit of laughter.

"Dude, no way! You can't give it away for free, so what makes you think someone would pay you for it!? Plus you gotta have a big wang!"

"Yeah, well I guess you'd know about huge wangs you little faggot!"

"Kiss my ass!" smirked Kensuke suddenly noticing Shinji and Rei across the sports field. "Check it out man, its Ayanami, didn't you ask her out once?"

Toji sat up and gazed through the hazy summer air. "Yeah, she said she'd rather eat shit with used needles for sprinkles…god she's so fucking hot…hey, who's that guy she's with?"

"I dunno…I've never seen him before…"

"It could be her Bro?"

"Nah she doesn't even have parents, I followed her home once…"

Kensuke looked slightly disturbed. "Dude, that's weird…"

"…I'm gonna check this out." said Toji getting up.

"Oh great, if you're gonna hit him make sure it's not in the face, my dad will totally annihilate me if the police get involved again..."

_Meanwhile…_

"This is the sports field, I wouldn't recommend setting foot on it at free period or you'll probably get your ass kicked by the twelfth graders" warned Rei.

"Yeah I know, the same rule applied at my last school"

Rei suddenly stopped, her eyes widened with concern at the approaching threat. "Oh great…"

"HEY REI! WHO'S YOUR BOYFRIEND!?" yelled Toji, blocking their path.

Rei rolled her eyes. "Look guys, don't pick on him he's new, I'm just showing him around the place."

"New guy huh, arn'cha gonna introduce us then?" asked Kensuke.

"His name's Shinji Ikari." answered Rei, chewing a fingernail.

Toji snickered and pulled a face. "Stinky Atari, what kinda fucked up name is that?"

Rei narrowed her eyes at the sheer immaturity of the comment. "Come on Shinji, lets go…"

But Shinji didn't want to drop the matter; he didn't appreciate being insulted in front of his possible future girlfriend. "Oh yeah? Well, what's your name then?"

"My name?...Well you can call me God, Boss, your Highness, Mr Suzahara, or just plain Sir. Take ya pick asshole!" laughed Toji.

"Yeah or alternatively you can call him Shit head, Gaylord, Dumb ass or Faggot, any one of those would be more appropriate." commented Rei.

"WoooOOOOOOooooooo!" hooted Kensuke.

"Whoa! What's up Rei is it that time of the month again?" laughed Toji.

"Yeah man, that's why she's so pale, 24/7 blood loss will have that effect" grinned Kensuke.

"When sad homo pricks like you are around it's always that time of the month." said Rei.

Toji smiled. "Anyway I got a question to ask you, not that I give a shit or anything but what's this little douche got that I aint?"

"Well I'm not gonna bore you with the list but compared to you, a lot, and trust me he aint got much..."said Rei, not really giving a shit that Shinji was standing right next to her. It was sort of a compliment, in a lousy asshole kinda way.

Toji narrowed his eyes with jealousy.

"Hey! Stinky or what ever the fuck your name is, you should keep an eye on her"

"Why?" answered Shinji in his most macho tone.

"Because dickhead, she's way to hot for a queermo like you, trust me man, the second your backs turned she'll be on me like fly's on shit." smirked Toji shooting Rei a wink.

Rei looked totally unimpressed with the statement. "Absolutely correct Toji, I don't know how I keep my hands off you, gay inbred fuckwads who don't change their underwear for a week really turn my crank, in fact, if you could refrain from back shafting your toy boy over there for just one minute then perhaps we could have sex sometime, now leave me alone I got stuff to do"

"Shut up you fat bitch, at least I've got a dad!" sneered Kensuke.

"Hey don't talk to her like that!" growled Shinji, finding a slight amount of confidence.

"OR ELSE WHAT!" yelled Toji jumping into the argument once more.

Shinji was suddenly lost for words, luckily Rei took back over. "Oh grow up! Just get the fuck out of our face you retards!"

Toji smiled at Shinji. "Thought so, you think your tough shit but when it comes down to it, you aint!"

"Yeah what's the matter Rei, cant your boyfriend stand up for himself?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing four-eyes!" smirked Rei.

Toji's face furrowed with anger at the sarcastic comment, he noticed Shinji sniggered slightly...

"You think that's funny Shinji?"

Shinji instantly sensed the danger in Toji's voice, this prick meant business. Shinji was outsized and out numbered two to one, Rei couldn't really help him if things got physical; she was a girl after all. He was defeated. Shinji stopped laughing and answered painfully. "…No"

"Good, cuz I'd kill your ass you little pussy." Toji and Kensuke laughed and surprisingly, began to walk away.

"Don't listen to them Shinji, forget them." said Rei, but he couldn't. Once again he did nothing when confronted by a hostile situation; it was totally unacceptable. Anger got the better of Shinji, he couldn't resist. "…You fucking moron!"

It was on now baby.

"S'cuse me?!" enquired Toji, turning and coming back.

Shinji's confidence left him as quick as it came as the large bully came striding over. "…n-nothing"

"Don't lie, you called me a fucking moron!" snarled Toji, slamming Shinji hard in the chest.

Rei stepped between the two boys "Why are you getting so pissed, stating the obvious isn't a crime is it?...or is it just that time of the month?"

"Shut up bitch I aint no moron!"

"Oh yeah…what's seven times eight?" asked Rei.

The tard didn't have a clue. "……………..Hmph, you're lucky I don't hit girls, and as for you stinky, this albino skank can't protect you all the time, and when I catch you I swear I'll beat you so fucking hard you'll piss blood for a month! Come on Kensuke lets get the hell outta here and leave the lovebirds alone."

Once again the wanna-be tough guys turned, and began to walk away.

"…Skank?" repeated Rei, blinking with astonishment. You could call her everything under the sun and she wouldn't bat an eyelid, but something about that particular insult really made her blood boil. Usually she had the forbearance of a saint, but not this time.

"You fucking heard me you fat ugly heffer!" smirked Toji yelling back over his shoulder.

Rei's demon red eyes narrowed with anger; she knelt down and picked up a large, smooth baseball sized rock that was lying on the path.

"…Err, what are you doing with that." asked Shinji his eyes wide with fear, but before he could finish the sentence, the rock was in mid-flight.

A loud, unholy crack rung out in all directions as the rock hit the back of Toji's skull; his scream was deafening as he rolled around on the ground in a fit of agony. Like I said once before, you should never underestimate the quiet ones.

"Yessssssssss!" hissed Rei.

She noticed Shinji was looking at her with fear; his bottom lip quivering. "Oh my god what have you done!" gasped Shinji.

"What? He deserved it!" she answered flippantly.

Toji howled with pain once more, Shinji and his troublesome lady friend observed their injured enemy with concern. Instead of helping his buddy, Kensuke just stood there like an oversized prick; gob smacked with shock and astonishment. Seeing his best friend's blood spurting onto the asphalt made him take a step back and cringe, what the hell was he supposed to do! Then, as if some imaginary foot kicked him up the arse, he yelled out; as loud as he could…

"Shit man! HE'S FUCKING BLEEDING! HELP, SOMEONE HELP!!!"

Shinji and Rei slowly faced each other.

"Uh-oh, shit…errr…..run!" said Rei breaking into an agile sprint. Shinji was frozen to the spot, crapping himself with fear. Toji, grasping his head in pain, glared up at Shinji with clenched teeth, a thick stream of blood running down his face. Shinji suddenly squealed in fear as Rei harshly yanked his wrist. "What the hell are you doing?! Run stupid!"

Stinky Atari was marked for death…

Rei had led them to the safety of a busy corridor.

"You all right?" enquired Rei.

"Y-y-yeah, wheeeew! I'm cool…"

"Ummm, I hate to tell you this but…you could be in trouble Shinji." said Rei. Shinji stopped panting. "…What! Why me? You threw the rock!"

"Well he's not gonna hit me is he."

"Oh great Rei! He's gonna beat the shit out of me for something I never did!"

Rei waved her hand dismissively. "Don't worry, he can't lay a finger on either one of us, we're Nerv agents remember, if he does he'll go to prison."

"What if he gets me after school when no ones around?" worried Shinji.

"I doubt he's capable of remembering that long to be honest, anyway Misato is coming to pick you up right?"

"Trust me Rei, a lot can happen in that short distance between the classroom and the parking lot! There's a bazillion places for him to hide in this place, just waiting for me to walk on by and POW! Dead!"

Rei blinked her pretty eyes and smiled. "You worry too much…"

Rei decided to skip the rest of the tour and took Shinji to his first class of the day. After his encounter with the fuckwits earlier, he was still badly shook up.

"What if that Toji kid is in there?" asked Shinji.

"He won't be, he's probably on his way to hospital by now, I bust his head open pretty good."

"It doesn't matter if he is in there anyway, he's got the rest of the school year to plan my death." moaned Shinji. He smiled ruefully, his first day and already he was waist deep in shit. "Nice shot by the way, even if I am going to die as a result."

"Yeah well, his heads big enough, it's not like I could miss It." joked Rei.

Shinji smiled but was still visibly worried.

"Look, he not going to show up to class covered in blood is he? He's skiving off somewhere with his four-eyes boyfriend. And if he threatens you, just threaten him back; he won't want you telling everyone he got totally owned by a girl, his image means everything to him, so relax."

"God I hope your right!" moaned Shinji, exhaling loudly.

"You ready?" asked Rei, laying her hand on the door knob.

"Yeah, let's get this over with."

Rei opened the door followed by Shinji keeping his head low. The class observed the pair entering the room and howled with amusement.

"WHOA!!!! So this is the hot piece of man candy you've been telling us about Rei!?" smirked Hikari. She was the Class Rep and resident little miss perfect attendance, up her own ass lording-it-over-everyone, bitch. She was a classic case of St Peters complex, just because she was the class rep she thought she ran the whole frickin school; the world to an extent.

"I'm not her boyfriend…" mumbled Shinji.

Hikari raised her hand to her ear mockingly. "Duuuuh speak up doofus I can't hear you!"

The class let out a ripple of laughter. Shinji's cheeks flushed with anger, his first day was turning out to be a disaster.

"What's wrong with you numb nuts? Are you a retard or something...Errr, Hello? Is anyone there!?" Hikari asked sarcastically.

"He's just nervous, cut him some slack" said Rei blandly.

"Why does everyone keep saying that, I'm not nervous!" snapped Shinji.

"Then what's up with the red face?" smirked Hikari.

"…Just leave me alone"

Hikari glared at him and smirked. "…Have you got tears in your eyes?!"

"No!" snarled Shinji. He wasn't crying, but something about the way she asked the question made him want too.

"Humph, looks like we got another freak in the class, ah well, I better show you your desk, your not gonna break down and cry for your mommy if you get lost along the way are you?"

Shinji looked furious "…No, and you wanna know why?! BECAUSE SHE'S DEAD!"

The class went quiet for a sec.

Rei blinked with shock. "Whoa man, heavy"

Hikari felt a bit embarrassed. "…Oh…Sorry…_ahem!_…All that stuff I said, I-I was just horsing around, you know…trying to lighten you up…and stuff …erm, sorry." She awkwardly scratched her head and made a gesture to follow her. Shinji walked behind the two girls, the class looked at him with an amused contempt…He felt about as welcome as a Puerto Rican guy at a KKK meeting, what he wouldn't give for a machine gun at that moment.

"Here we are, right next to lover girl."

Shinji felt a stab of anxiety, he noticed that the students in this classroom were sat two to a desk, which meant he'd be sitting directly next to Rei, which meant at some point in the future there would be a strong possibility that her hand would go under the table and accidentally grace his private area...

Shinji smiled at the thought as he drew back his chair, and sat down.

"Ok Hikari, give the boyfriend crap a rest, he's not my boyfriend and he never will be."

Shinji felt slightly offended but didn't show it.

"All righty, so what is the deal with you two then? Are you guy's cousins or something?"

"We work together, that's all I'm gonna tell you" said Rei.

"What the hell d'ya mean work, you're only fourteen?!...do you share a paper rout with him or something?"

Rei tutted loudly. "Don't take this the wrong way Hikari, but what the hell has it got to do with you or anyone for that matter?"

"Fine, be a bitch then…see if I care." Hikari stuck her nose in the air and walked back to her desk.

Rei sneered and pulled an 'Oh wow, like a give a shit' face. "I can't stand nosy people."

"Yeah, me neither." agreed Shinji, turning on his desktop PC. He logged in his name, student ID and password. Something was blinking in the bottom right of the monitor, it was a message addressed to 'Stinky'

"Huh…" Shinji clicked on it; his sky blue eyes widened. "_I'm gunna kill you and your gurlfrend after school, Ive got a hammer and im gonna smash both of yer fukkin heads in and wotch you bleed and it will be cool cuz you will be dead." _It was from Toji.

"Umm…Rei?"

"Yeah I know, I got one also…" said Rei looking down at her monitor, her message was addressed to 'skank'

"Man his grammar is awful…a kindergartener could compose a better death threat."

"Who cares about his grammar, what are we gonna do!? I don't wanna get beaten up!"

"You won't get beaten up, this guy is so incompetent he sends a death threat from his own user account, look, his name is on the message, we can just tell the teacher and get him expelled." suggested Rei.

"We can't do that; people will call us snitches!"

Rei didn't see the problem. "So, I don't give a damn about what anyone here thinks, especially Toji, so why should you?"

Shinji exhaled with frustration at her lack of understanding. "I'll tell you why Rei, because I'm not a hot teenage girl that's why, I don't have the luxury of not giving a shit; I am a total nerd with no friends and everyone in this place will make my life hell if I don't follow the rules, and this may shock you but I want life to be easy as possible here, so please, try and help me think a way out of this…"

Rei looked at Shinji intensely; she had never been physically attacked by anyone at school, or made fun of, or been made to feel insignificant, she had received the odd bitchy comment here or there, who hasn't? But she had never been systematically tormented on a daily basis, in fact, quite the opposite; she was well admired amongst both the male and female students. Despite having the personality of a cucumber she had a cool, mysterious air about her and a stunningly unique look; very lithe and pretty with long shapely legs and a slim waist. There was no doubt about it, Rei Ayanami was one of the best looking girls in school, whilst Shinji was…well, Shinji.

Rei begun to understand his predicament, unfortunately she couldn't stop Toji from pounding the living fuck out of him, so she decided to use her girly charm to try and get his mind off it, technically it was her fault they were under threat; giving him a bit of false hope was the least she could do. Against her better judgement, she playfully nudged Shinji with her hip.

"Your such a loser!" she giggled.

It worked. Shinji suddenly forgot about his impending doom and stared at her in total confusion. Only a minute ago Shinji heard her say that she would never be interested in him, this was so out of character for Rei, usually the miserable little cow was more frigid then a nun with obesity issues. The sun was shining through the classroom windows, illuminating her petit feminine form.

"_What the hell was that, does she like me or not!?"_ He tried to think of a reason to justify such a flirtatious act, but he couldn't think straight, her school uniform was driving him crazy. Just then Rei stretched and let out a soft, moaning yawn, this time the whole left hand side of her body, for the briefest moment, rubbed up against him sending shivers of excitement racing down his spine…fantastic, on top of everything else, he now had to try and conceal a hard on; no doubt the first of many now that he had been placed next to Rei. Shinji frowned slightly, he had a whole summester of awkward conversation and sexual tension to look forward to, her tits were gonna be on the edge of his vision, and her perfume up his nose, not to mention that fucker Toji would be hunting him, and at the end of every day he had his big breasted surrogate mother to go home to; driving him nuts with her warped parenting skills and adult innuendo, and if he was real lucky, he would get to occasionally risk his life fighting big scary monsters from outer space/hell/wherever. He was utterly eff-you-see-kay'd from every angle.

His misrable thoughts were interrupted as the classroom door opened, his new teacher 'Mr Kawashiro' came striding in, beckoning the class to quiet down and take their seats. He was a typical middle aged teacher with a bald head and thinning hair around the sides, he was wearing a tacky suit and a cheap clip on tie, unbeknownst to Shinji he was a total control freak .

"Ok class, shut your noise holes and sit down, we have a new face joining us today, we can only hope he's not a criminal like most of you worthless idiots but I wont hold my breath, Shinji Ikari please stand up and tell us a bit about yourself."

"_Oh great, my new teacher is an asshole"_ thought Shinji as he stood up. "Hi…errr…My name is Shinji Ikari…so errr, yeah…"

Mr Kawashiro looked bemused. "…I'm sorry is that it? No family or friends you'd like to inform us about, No hobbies or pastimes?"

"_Jacking off sir!" _squeaked an unknown student in an attempt to imitate Shinji. The class let out a ripple of laughter.

"I'm assuming you did have a life prior to this morning, or did you just materialize out of thin air?"

Shinji stood there; pissed. "I don't know…"

"You don't know?" echoed Kawashiro, the class laughing once again. "Sit down you imbecile! God, why do they send all the morons to me?!"

Rei looked at him and shook her head with an exasperated smile. "Smooth Shinji, smooth."

"_What a messed up first day…" _though Shinji slumping back miserably in his chair_._ Everything that could go wrong did.

Unfortunately the worst was yet to come…


	9. Hide 'n' Grope Seek

**Hide 'n Grope Seek…**

Deep beneath the city, in the gloomy depths of the Geofront, Makoto Hyuga was (quite ironically) feeling on top of the world. The lush piece of ass he dreamed of ramming for the best part of ten years (The ever lovely Miss Katsuragi) had courtesy of her bitch friend, agreed to go on a date with him. He had the entire weekend to call her and arrange things but had yet to do so. The woman hungry pervert inside was champing at the bit, but the shy, reclusive nerd was still too psyched to even pick up the phone. What was he going to say? What was he going to wear? More importantly, what flavour rubber would he use? Had Misato known about the date, she'd probably choose knuckle sandwich flavour.

'_Would she prefer a fancy shmancy wine bar or just a night in front of the box with a bucket of KFC?' _pondered Hyuga, the light from his computer monitor reflecting off his nerd glasses. '_Perhaps I should invite her around my moms and cook something myself? After all, the bed's just down the hall!_' his pathetic thoughts were abruptly broken by a firm clap on the shoulder.

'Hey buddy, thought of a good place to take her yet?' asked Shigeru sipping his coffee.

'Nah man, I don't really know what kind of cuisine she's into, any ideas?'

'Hmmm From what I hear, she lives on discount beer and cheap'o TV dinners. I don't mean to sound like an asshole or anything, but…I still can't believe she even asked you out on a date in the first place.'

Hyuga smiled widely. 'I know, it's amazing isn't it! All this time she's known me and she's pretty much ignored my entire existence, and now this!'

'I just can't work it out, girls like that are not interested in guys like us. I wouldn't even bother thinking about asking her out on a date, they usually go for rich dudes who live in the gym, either that or violent jerks who leech off'ov'em; it's practically Darwinian.'

'Well luckily for me Mother Nature makes an occasional mistake!'

'I'm happy for ya man, but I still think it's a bit fishy…'

'Hey why question a good thing, especially a good looking thing like Misato, which reminds me, did you see her in that skirt the other day? She looked so horny it was unbelievable!'

'Did I see? Dude I took several million pictures!' smirked Shigeru. '…I don't care if she is my boss, I'd totally impale her if I got the chance, right here on the command console if necessary!'

'Yeah man now yer talking! You know what does it for me? The gun, every time I see it bouncing against that perfect set of cantaloupes I almost lose it!'

'Yeah the rack is nice, but the ass does it for me big time. Mmmmm I could totally go for some of that right about now. I swear it man, she is the only decent looking girlin this shit hole, if it wasn't for Misato this would be Dog Central never mind Central Dogma...' Shigeru stopped and felt a wave of dread wash over him as a female shape appeared on the edge of his vision. _'Oh shit…'_

'…You lousy bastards!' growled Maya who happened to hear their little conversation. Ms Ibuki had always been a bit of a feminist and didn't appreciate casual misogyny. By the way, she was dating Shigeru...

'…You sad, filthy, demented, sexist BASTARDS!'

'Ok lets not get over sensitive, before you go nuts at least let me explain!' hissed Shigeru taking her to one side.

'Explain what! You called me a Dog! And I heard all that filthy shit you said about Captain Katsuragi!'

'Oh come on babe we were just bullshitting, it's what guys do!'

'Sick guy's maybe! And don't call me babe!'

'Hey! Shhh! come on now, keep your voice down before old man Fuyutski hears!' fretted Shigeru, pointing at the miserable old bastard high above them on the main command bridge. He had been running the show, seeing as Commander Ikari was temporarily hospitalized.

'NO I WILL NOT KEEP QUIET YOU FILTHY CHEATING ASSHOLE!' snarled Maya punching him in the arm. She suddenly switched her attention to Hyuga. 'And as for you, you specky little peedo you make me heave! Why any woman would want anything to do with you utterly baffles me, even the Magi would struggle with that one! Oh and by the way I'm gonna tell Misato every filthy sordid word! YOU HEAR ME!'

'Sorry! Oww! Please don't tell!' pleaded Hyuga, shielding himself against the sharp blows of her clip board.

'You bet your ass I'll tell'

'Ok time to calm down now, we're sorry.' said Shigeru restraining her arm.

Maya gave her no good boyfriend a thunderous look. 'I mean it, if you ever talk about women like that again I'll-'

'Never! I swear, I'm a born again monogamist from this day forth.'

After her bitchy little rant, Maya gave them a disgusted grunt and stormed off back to her work station.

'…I'm totally in the doghouse now.' sighed Shigeru, wearily running his hands through his hair.

'I'm in hot water myself, do you realise how long it's taken for Misato to ask me on a date? You gotta talk to her man, if she tells Misato she'll think I'm a total psycho! In fact I better call her now and arrange things…' fretted Hyuga.

'Don't worry dude, I'll talk her round' promised Shigeru looking at his watch. 'Whoa I gotta get back to work. Good luck with your date and if you get the chance…_give her one for me!_'

'I HEARD THAT!' screamed Maya from across the room.

_Back at Misato's apartment…_

Misato pranced through her front door humming a merry tune. The thought of being paid to sit around on her bum and watch TV was most uplifting. Usually she worked a brain frying fifty hour week either in an underground bunker full of immature perverts, or an office full of jealous bitches.

'LAAA La la la la la la la LAAAAAAAAA!' sang Misato operatically, hitting the button on her answering machine as she danced through the hallway.

'Man I'm so hungry, chow time!' she floated into the kitchen and began to fix herself a sandwich as her silly answering machine message played out in the hall. A string of messages from a debt collection agency and her bank played; each demanding money that had otherwise been spent on extravagant novelties, nothing out of the ordinary. Then her worst nightmare happened…

'_Message 6 beep!'_

'_Hi Misato it's only me, Hyuga…' _

'Oh great, what does that sack of shit want now!' wondered Misato digging through her fridge.

'_Sorry to drop this on you at the last moment, but I've found a really neato restaurant for us to go to, it's real fancy so wear something suitable…not that what you usually wear isn't! I-I mean, I think you always look hot…ahem, anyway Misato, thanks for agreeing to go out with me, this means so much to me, I'm glad you like me because I really like you too…'_

Misato froze; she raced into the hall staring at the machine with utter confusion as the bizarre message continued...

'_Anyway, can you pick me up around about seven? I would drive us but errm…m- my mom wouldn't let me borrow the car…so err, see you later then..b-baby! Beep!_

'…did he just call me b…WHAT IN THE NAME OF MICRO-FUCKING-WAVABLE WAFFLES WAS THAT SHIT!' demanded Misato to no one in particular. 'I never asked him out on a date, what the hell is going on!' it took a moment, then it clicked…

Misato picked up the phone and furiously stabbed Ritsuko's number into the keypad. It was ringing. She paced back and forth, angrily wiping the stray cobalt strands of hair from her murderous eyes.

'Come on you crafty bitch PICK UP!'

'Hello Dr Ritsuko Aka-' Ritsuko had to remove the receiver from her ear as a tirade of insults flowed noisily from the earpiece. 'Calm down Misato, now tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

'You know damn well what the problem is you sneaky whore! That spiky haired dildo is convinced that I asked him on a date, and I just know that your behind it somewhere, how dare you ruin my day off with this shit!'

'Chill, I'm only trying to help your love life get moving again.' smirked Akagi. 'you've been single for far too long.'

'I don't need any help, my love life is fine if you must know, I get more offers then I know what to do with!' yelled Misato. 'I'm not a killjoy Ritsuko, in fact I love a good stitch up, anyone will tell you that, but what you've done is totally out of order. Your supposed to be my friend, remember?'

'Of course I'm you're friend, you're my main bitch, that's why I've set you up with a caring, loving, sensitive young man, we both know for a fact he'd treat you like a queen so what's the problem? You're a match made in heaven.' smirked Ritsuko close to cracking up.

'WELL IF HE'S SO GREAT THEN YOU TAKE HIM OUT YOU FAT DYKE!' Misato slammed the phone down and crossed her arms in a strop. She stamped back to the kitchen and picked up her sandwich. How on earth was she gonna get out of this mess? Come the nights end, he would be expecting a kiss at least.

'That unbelievable bitch…think! How am I get out of this?' muttered Misato, deep in thought. Just as she was going to take a bite of her sarnie, Pen pen flew from nowhere and snatched it from her hands; swallowing it whole.

'YOU FFFFF!'

_Back at school…_

The school bell rang loudly, reverberating throughout the building. For most students its tinny noise brought relief and overwhelming joy, but for Shinji it was heralding an ass whooping of biblical magnitude. The classroom began to empty rapidly, causing a huge traffic jam at the door.

'Ok class read pages twenty to twenty-eight in your science books tonight, that's the one with the cartoon sperms in. May I also remind you that you have a test tomorrow and I don't want to see anyone get less then a B, but who am I kidding, most of you idiots cant even spell B.' announced Mr Kawashiro quickly packing away his laptop. The moody old bastard left the room as quickly as the students, desperate to get home. You've probably already gathered that he wasn't the best of educators, in professional terms he sucked harder then a Dutch girl in tourist season.

Shinji looked at Rei out of the corner of his eye as he began to pack away his books. She looked calm, as usual.

'…Rei?'

'Mmmm?' she lazily answered; swinging her bag over her shoulder.

'What are we gonna do?'

'Concerning?' enquired Rei checking her cell for messages.

'Toji and his friend, they want to kill us remember?…'

'…Oh yes, well I don't about you but I have tennis practise now.'

Shinji looked outraged. 'y-your gonna leave me to face him alone!'

'Look Shinji, I can't mother you all the time, just run as fast as you can to the parking lot or something; you look pretty quick.'

'But what if he's waiting out in the corridor? like, right out side the door!'

In his nervous state the clumsy little dork dropped his pencil case; scattering the contents. Shinji swore to himself and stooped to pick them up, unfortunately he bent down a bit too quick and bashed his eye socket off the corner of the desk with a nauseating amount of force.

'Owww ya bastard!' spat Shinji through tightly clenched teeth. 'Shit that hurt!'

Rei watched him nursing his wound, trying to hold back the stinging tears. The pity she felt was overwhelming. Ever since she met Shinji she had felt a number of rare emotions, amusement, sympathy, anger, frustration (especially frustration) even empathy was starting to rear its head. Usually the miserable little madam was catatonic as a cabbage, but something about this loser made her open up.

She sighed deeply. 'Tell you what; I'll walk with you to the front gates ok?'

'…Really?' asked Shinji pawing his injured eye. '…Y-you don't think I'm a wimp do you?'

'Do you want me to come or not?'

'…Yes'

'Then stop talking to me.' said Rei getting up, she looked at him slightly annoyed'…Well come on then, I have things to do.'

Shinji nodded. He grabbed his backpack and stood to his feet, failing to notice his shoelace was looped around the leg of his chair. Shinji took one step forward and tripped ass-over-tit, sending the chair catapulting over his head. It spun through the air at high speed; narrowly missed Rei and crashed against the wall with a loud clatter.

'…holy cr-!' gasped Rei, looking shocked. 'What's wrong with you?'

'I-I didn't mean to!' sobbed Shinji, looking up at her like a remorseful puppy that just pee'd on the floor.

Rei narrowed her eyes with sheer confusion, how did this kid qualify to pilot Eva? She observed him, lying on the floor cursing his own clumsiness. What a stupid incompetent bastard, if he wasn't so pitiful she would have yelled at him, but she couldn't. Being such a big loser was punishment enough.

Rei softened. 'Slowly get up, and for god's sake don't make any sudden movements.'

'I'm sorry Rei, my head is all over the place at the moment.'

'The furniture too…' said Rei peeking out of the door. 'Well, the retards aren't out there, I think it's safe to go.'

Shinji exhaled loud and slow. His heart was pounding with fear and his muscles were tight with stress. 'Ok, let's do this shit...'

Rei looked at him cynically. 'Shinji, we're walking out of a school ok, not storming the beaches at Normandy, just take it easy.'

Once again Shinji felt like a dick... 'Sure Rei…'

It didn't take long for the building to empty. The Eva pilots quickly walked through the near vacant corridors, Shinji was constantly scanning the remaining students. His heart was pounding, Toji could be anywhere. Meanwhile Rei was busy texting on her phone as if nothing was wrong.

Shinji decided to get his mind off it.

'Rei?'

'Yes'

'Who's this Asuka I keep hearing about?'

'The German girl? She's an Eva pilot like us.'

'I know that but, what is she like?'

Rei shrugged her shoulders. 'I haven't a clue? I've never met her. Though I hear she's a bit of a control freak, she's also a genius.'

'There's quite a few of them at Nerv huh?"

'Indeed there is…' agreed Rei, sick of having to talk to him.

'…you wanna know something cool?' asked Shinji.

'Not really' answered Rei, still texting.

'Me and my dad are gonna live together after we defeat the angels, I aint seen him for years, and when I get paid all that money it's gonna be so cool, we'll be like a real family again...' smiled Shinji.

'Gee, that's great…' said Rei slightly annoyed.

'You live with your parents?'

'No'

'Brothers or Sisters?'

'No'

'Ah grandparent's then?'

'No'

'…..Gaurdian?' struggled Shinji.

'_sigh!_ No…'

'What, you live in that apartment block all alone?'

'Yep, that's how I like it. And it's not like I'm alone, the whole complex belongs to Nerv, a lot of their staff live there...'

'Oh…so what are you gonna do with your money then Rei?' probed Shinji.

'You know what?' smiled Rei. 'its quite ill mannered to ask someone every single detail of their life, but if you must know I want to go to college and study literature, then I'm probably going write a book about all this, become a best selling author, then retire in my mid-twenties to some far flung island in the Caribbean...Is there anything else you wanna know?'

'Just trying to make conversation' said Shinji backing off.

'Are you certain? You don't wanna know my cup size? pin number maybe? How about the setting my thermostat is on, you want to know that huh?'

'Ok ok don't get all huffy!' replied Shinji.

'Are you quite sure? I can mail my dental records to you if you want?…_ass._'

A minute of freaky silence passed before Pinocchio stuck his fat nose in again.

'You know, I should get you're number…'

Rei halted and gave him an angry look.

'Ok forget it! The only reason I suggested it was for emergencies only, but if you don't want to then fine, just don't give me a hard time…'

Rei walked up to him and stared him in the eye. 'Shinji, answer me with a straight yes or no. Do you have a crush on me?'

'Wh-wha?'

'You heard me, all these questions you keep asking, and the shyness, and the fact you act like a total gimp around me, is it because you like me? If that's the case I want you to know the feeling is not mutual. It's going to make things very awkward over the next few years if we don't get it out in the open and deal with it now.'

Shinji's cheeks flushed and his mind raced, he wanted to answer but his voice wouldn't come to his throat. In a catastrophic show of misjudgement he reached out and placed his hands on Rei's shoulders and moved in for a kiss. Just as he was going to lay his lips on hers, Rei violently jerked her head. He was aiming for her gob but instead he ended up half snogging her nose and cheek. Rei's eyes widened with shock; she fiercely shoved him in the chest and stepped back, wiping the spit from her face as if it were sulphuric acid.

'Oh my god!'

'Shit! I-I thought you wanted me to kiss you!…' stammered Shinji, feeling suicidally embarrassed.

'WHAT! Oh god! Oh my god! I can't believe that you just…what the hell possessed you to…Oh my god!'

'I'm sorry Rei! I just…I mean…you walked right up to me and…oh man!'

Rei turned and began to quickly walk away muttering to herself in disbelief.

'…Hold on a minute Rei!' pleaded Shinji chasing after her. 'I know you're mad at me right now but, please I'm begging you! don't tell Misato about this, she'll rip on me till I die!'

'I cant believe you did that…'

'But you were flirting with me!' stated Shinji.

Rei stopped and faced him again. 'When?'

'…Ok so you weren't flirting but…you look so, you know?' said Shinji groping a pair of imaginary breasts. '…what with the perfume and the s-s-sexy walk and all...'

By this point he was redder then an asthmatic beetroot.

'SEXY WALK?' blurted Rei. She had never heard such unbelievable crap in her life.

'Ermmm….sorry?'

'Oh just go home Shinji you stupid little pervert! and don't you dare try and find out my number, I mean it!'

'Soooo…does that mean you won't tell Misato?'

'JUST GET LOST!' commanded Rei.

'Ok, I'm going…' Shinji felt like a total penis. Next to his mom's funeral this was the worst day of his life, unfortunately it was about to get much worse…

'Well if it aint Ren and Stimpy.' said a voice from behind.

Rei and Shinji quickly looked over their shoulders. Out of nowhere a rock flew past Shinji's head and smashed into the metal lockers lining the corridor, making him jump…

'COME'ERE!' roared Toji, exploding into a powerful sprint with Kensuke in tow.

'Jesus, run for it!' yelled Rei. Shinji shrieked with terror and scrambled after her. All that embarrasing shit that just happened was instantly forgotten, survival was the only thing that mattered.

'I'm gonna kill you Shinji!' sneered Toji, with wolfish desire.

'Why I aint done nothing!' yelled Shinji, running for his life.

'You threw a rock at me!'

'No I never! She did!'

'So nice to know we're in this together!' yelled Rei jumping over a bin.

'Don't split hairs Rei, you know what I mean!'

Rei screeched to a halt. 'Quick down here!' The hapless pair of Eva pilots turned left down a different corridor, their pursuers not far behind.

Shinji was struggling to keep up, for a skinny kid he couldn't run for shit.

'_Damn he's gonna catch us! I gotta do something quick…_' thought Rei.

As they hurtled down the corridor and turned another corner, a girls restroom came into view.

'In here!'

'What! I cant go in there!'

'IN, NOW!' commanded Rei, dragging him inside. Luckily it was empty. They huddled into a cubical, closed the door, turned the latch and stood up on the toilet seat.

'This is so stupid, we're trapped!'

'That's the idea…' said Rei.

Shinji was baffled, for a terrifying moment he thought Rei was secretly on Toji's side and led him to the bathroom on purpose. The bathroom door smashed in to the wall and their pursuers entered, gasping for breath.

'Hey man are you sure their in here?' asked Kensuke.

'Yeah I'm sure, I saw the door move!' snarled Toji. 'You in here Stinky?'

No reply came.

Toji immediately started opening the cubicles, Shinji glared at Rei, wondering what she was planning. Eventually there was only one cubical left unchecked; the one they were hiding in.

Toji smiled in triumph. 'Hey Shinji, you in there licking you're girlfriend out?'

Rei leaned in close and whispered softly to Shinji. '_When I say so, kick that door with all your strength, ok?…_'

Shinji nodded. Feeling very self-conscious, Rei started to softly moan as if they were up to something very naughty indeed. Shinji looked mortified '_What the hell are you doing!'_

Toji looked at Kensuke with disbelief, were…were they really doing the F word in there? Both boys instantly forgot the task at hand and put there ears to the door hoping to here more. Rei smiled, her plan had worked. Quietly she undid the latch; Shinji snapped out of his trance and raised his leg, ready to strike.

'Now!' with their combined strength, the pilots kicked the door as hard as humanly possible; sending it splintering back on its hinges. The two bullies felt like they had been struck by a comet, the force was so intense they were swept clean off their feet and launched across the room. Toji howled with agony as he banged his hip off a heavy enamel sink; chiming loudly with the impact, whilst Kensuke went head first in to the tampon machine with a loud metallic bash.

'Let's jet! See ya later jerks!' smirked Rei as they quickly exited the bathroom. Shinji was stunned at Rei's sheer resourcefulness; she had read the two boys perfectly. How on earth did she know they would put their heads against the door? Surly this couldn't be the same timid girl he met a few days ago, the Rei he knew was quiet and reserved, she certainly didn't swear or get into fights? Come to think of it, what exactly was she? Emo, geek, bookworm, lesbian vampire witch? Whatever she was, she must have been an awesome Eva pilot, he was sure of that if nothing else.

Toji groaned and held his hip, wincing with pain as he staggered to his feet. His brain was thrumming with sheer anger. That was the second time in one day that Rei had owned him.

'Oww my face!' moaned Kensuke, also getting to his feet. 'Its gone numb…'

'You idiot I can't believe you fell for that!' exploded Toji, turning on his friend.

'Me! You fell for it too asshole!'

Toji kicked the mirror above the sink; the fractured spider web of cracks reflected his angry face. 'Bastards! come on moron they're getting away!'

The victorious pilots sped through the corridors, desperate to get maximum distance between themselves and their shit-for-brains pursuers. Rei's little plan gave them a good head start, if they stayed frosty and used their heads they might just escape with their butts intact after all.

'In here, the basketball team practice on Tuesdays so it should be empty' Rei and Shinji burst into the gym. The room was massive, like a maple lined aircraft hanger. The dusty wooden floor squeaked painfully as the pilots frantically ran to the fire exit on the far side. Rei pushed the bar and opened the door, letting in a cool rush of fresh air.

'Right, let's get the hell out of here!'

'That's not what I had in mind.'

'What? Why aren't we going outside?' asked Shinji.

'Oh come on use your head, if we run out there we will be in full view, and Toji will chase you down in no time flat—he's nearly caught you like ten times all ready. If we cant out run him, we'll have to out smart him.'

'But we-'

'No whining, just follow me and do as I say…'

'b-but…where are we going?' fretted Shinji, quickly following her lead.

'In here' said Rei, opening the door to the sport equipment room. It was a small, dark windowless room adjacent to the coach's office towards the back of the gym. It was ram jam packed with mats and balls and all sorts of sporty junk the school had accumulated through out the years. As soon as they stepped inside, Rei closed the door and climbed over a stack of mats. '_Come on_' she whispered, crawling under a dusty old gym horse. Shinji followed, awkwardly negotiating through the pitch black slalom of junk, until he made it to the back of the room. He swept his hands blindly across the rough cinderblock wall looking for a light switch and felt a thick gymnastics mat, heavily propped up against the wall. It was at least a foot and a half thick and weighed a bloody ton. Shinji squeezed himself between the wall and the mat. It was a brilliant hiding place, Toji and his asshole friend would never find them under it, not in a million years.

'_Pssssst over here Rei!_'

Rei delicately made her way over and squeezed her self behind the mat as well, nudging up against Shinji.

'_Scoot over!_'

'_I'm trying, man it's heavy!'_ hissed Shinji, pushing deeper into the mats depths.

'…_hurry up I think I hear them coming!_'

'_I'm going as fast as I can...oh shit I'm gonna fall!_' Shinji reached out in panic and grabbed Rei's wrist.

'_Let go you idiot!'_ but it was too late, the clumsy little bastard dragged her down to the floor with him. The thick mat closed around them, holding the two teens tightly together. Even though Shinji was close to suffocating, boy did it feel wicked! Rei's entire body weight was on top of him, squirming frantically. He'd only been in T-3 for a few days and already he had two gorgeous girls on top of him. Suddenly, loud footsteps thundered out in the Gym. The Eva pilots froze instantly, like rabbits in a warren listening to the approaching wolves…

Toji raced to the open fire exit and looked around outside. 'They're gone! FUCK!'

Shinji got dirty thoughts as he heard the curse, her ass was snugly wedged into his crotch and as an added bonus, his shirt had ridden up when he slid down the wall exposing his waist, as had Rei's blouse. The warm smooth skin of her lower back was caressing against his stomach, making him tingle with excitement. It was so awesome; being trapped in the perfumed crush with that lilac haired temptress was hands down the best thing he had ever experienced. Shinji knew he'd get a sexual harassment lecture once they escaped, but to him it was more like involuntary compensation for all the shit she'd put him through. With out warning Rei shifted her weight, 'OH GOD!...' moaned Shiji as a bolt of pleasure raced through his lower body.

'Did you just hear something?...' asked Kensuke looking around the gym with suspicion.

'Don't try and change the subject jackass! because of you we lost them!' bellowed Toji shoving his mate in the chest.

'Hey! It was your gay ass plan to pick on him in the first place!'

The trapped couple listened to the argument outside. Rei knew what Shinji must have been thinking. With great strength she turned to face him. Shinji's eyes had accustomed to the dark and could see the silhouette of her head against the gloomy mat; one could only imagine her expression.

'_You are dead when we get out of here_…'

Shinji didn't care, it was worth it. A hockey stick that was propped against the mat scrapped down the wall and hit the floor with a loud bump. Both Shinji and Rei's blood froze. Their position had been given away…

Toji and Kensuke instantly faced the door of the storeroom.

'Dude, I told you I heard som-'

Toji immediately cut Kensuke short and held up his hand. '…I've had enough of this shit, I'm going home!' yelled Toji with a devious smile.

Kensuke instantly understood and played along. 'Yes, forget them jerks, they're not worth it!'

The sneaky little bastards stomped loudly towards the exit and closed the door with a great crash, then silently creped behind the bleachers on the other side of the basket ball court.

'_Now we've got'em!_' hissed Toji, watching the door where our two young pilots were spooning.

Rei listened intently for any sound out in the gym, something wasn't quite right. She had heard them arguing then a sudden pause as if in reaction to something…and why would anyone announce that they were leaving the gym in a loud overly suspicious voice? Her gut was telling her that Toji was still out there, waiting for them, but she couldn't stand another second of Shinji's "raging" semi pressing into her ass. The situation she faced was bizarre as it was skin-crawling. Five humiliating minutes had passed, only millimetres of clothing were separating the pilots from doing something highly illegal for their age bracket. The air was becoming increasingly hot and stale in the confined space of the mat. Rei had had enough; it was now well and truly unbearable. If they got the shit kicked out of them, so be it, she was willing to take the gamble. Rei squeaked and cursed with effort as she fought the huge weight bearing down on her, the desire to escape imbuing her with the necessary strength. With a final push she awkwardly got to her feet and forced her way out of the mats vice like grip.

'_You lousy asshole!_' stated Rei, taking care not to be too loud.

'_Sorry Rei, it was an accident…_' smiled Shinji, also struggling to emerge from the mat.

'_I don't know why you're apologising, seeing as you did it on purpose_!'

'_I cant control gravity Rei_.'

'_Dot get smart Shinji, you know damn well you pulled me down!_'

'_It was an accident for you're information!'_

'_Whatever, just don't ask me to help you with you stupid problems ever again._'

'…why are we whispering?' blurted Shinji, his voice painfully loud in the confined space.

'_SSSHHHHH! I think he might still be out there..._' answered Rei, creeping towards the door.

'_But we heard him leave, didn't we?_'

Rei tutted with frustration '_You're as sharp as a marble you know that Shinji?..._' she cautiously opened the door a crack and slowly scanned the room, it appeared to be clear.

'…_is he there?_' asked Shinji, heart pounding.

Rei ignored him and stuck her head out to examine the gym further. Swirling clouds of dust were illuminated by gold shafts of light slanting in from the high windows. There was no sign of anyone; it was quiet as a grave…

'_pass me that hockey stick…_'

Shinji retrieved the improvised weapon and handed it to her. The pilots observed the gym, their senses on high alert. After a minute or so of pure silence, Rei exhaled and flung the door wide open. 'All clear.'

Both she and Shinji emerged from the store room and walked out into the gym, making for the exit. The ordeal was over.

'Hey Rei?'

'_sigh_…What now?'

'…thanks for helping me out, y-you're real smart.'

'You sure about that?' smiled Toji, walking out from behind the bleachers to block their path. Kensuke immediately ran to the fire exit and slammed it shut. They were trapped.

'GET THEM!'


End file.
